everybody! I don't have to be afraid of anyone ever! Thank you, o thank you, Elsa! This is truly a celebration! Who would dare say now that it was not I who killed the dragon? Well, who? Elsa. He had been listening? Heinrich. Of course. Elsa. And you knew all along? Heinrich. Don't pretend to be this naïve little girl, Elsa. You are getting married today, after all. Elsa. Daddy! Daddy! Charlemagne runs in. Charlemagne. What's wrong, sweetie? (Tries to embrace her.) Burgomaster. Attention, you! Stand to attention in front of my bride! Charlemagne. (snapping to attention) There, there... Please don't cry. What can we do? There is nothing we can do. What is there to do? Music starts playing. Burgomaster. (running up to the window) How lovely! How cozy! The guests have arrived for the wedding. Horses festooned with ribbons! Little lanterns on the yokes! How beautiful it is to live and know that no idiot is going to spoil it for you! Give us a smile, Elsa. At the appropriate moment, right on the clock, the president of the free city himself is going to lock you in his embrace. Doors swing open widely. Welcome, welcome, dear guests. Enter Guests, passing by Elsa and Burgomaster in pairs. They speak ceremoniously, almost whispering. 1[st] Townsman. Congratulations to the bride and groom. Everybody is so happy. 2[nd] Townsman. All buildings are decorated with lights. 1[st] Townsman. It is bright as day outside. 2[nd] Townsman. Liquor stores are full of people. Boy. They are all drinking and swearing. Everyone. Shhh! Gardener. Please let me present you with these bluebells. They chime a little sadly, I admit, but that's OK. By morning they are going to wither and quiet down. Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend. Elsa, darling, please try and look happy. Otherwise I am going to cry and ruin my lashes. They came out so nicely today. Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. He is better than the dragon, isn't he? He has arms and legs, and no scales. He is human after all, even though he's the president. You must tell us everything tomorrow. It is going to be ever so exciting! Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend. You will be able to do so much good for the people now! See, for example you can ask your groom to have my daddy's boss fired. Then daddy will take over his position, double the salary, and we will be so very happy! Burgomaster. (counting guests under his breath) One, two, three, four... (counting place settings) One, two, three... Right... Looks like one extra guest... Oh, it's the boy. There, there, don't cry. You'll share the plate with your mom. Everyone's here. To the table, ladies and gentlemen. We'll get over with the marriage ceremony quickly and modestly, and then we will commence the wedding feast. I have procured fish bred especially for being eaten. It laughs with delight when boiled, and alerts the chef itself when it's done. Here's turkey stuffed with her own chicks. So cozy, so home-style. Here are suckling pigs, not only raised but also trained specifically for our table. They can sit up, beg and give you their trotters even though they're roasted. Don't scream, little boy, it's not scary, it's comical. Here are wines so old they went a bit batty and are jumping around like little children inside their bottles. And this is brandy so clear that the flask looks empty. Wait a minute, it is empty. Those shyster servants must have cleared it. But that's OK, we have many more flasks in the cellar. What a delight it is to be wealthy, gentlemen! Everybody seated? Great. Hold on, hold on, don't start eating yet, we're going to be wed presently. Just one moment! Elsa! Give me your paw! Elsa gives Burgomaster her hand You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile. Is everything ready, Heinrich? Heinrich. Aye, Mr. President, sir. Burgomaster. Do it. Heinrich. I am a poor public speaker, gentlemen, so I apologize in advance if this sounds a bit muddled to you. One year ago a self-important interloper challenged the despicable dragon to a fight. A blue-ribbon commission set up by the town council have managed to establish the following: the deceased braggart only infuriated the deceased monster by inflicting a superficial wound. It was then that our former burgomaster, now president of the free city, flung himself onto the dragon and killed him, this time conclusively, while demonstrating assorted feats of courage. Applause. The noxious weed of vile slavery was excised exhaustively from the soil of our collective civic consciousness. Applause. The grateful city had therefore established: if we were ready to give up our best daughters to the abominable monster, how can we deny the same simple and natural right to our esteemed redeemer! Applause. Hence, to signify the magnificence of the president on one hand, and loyalty and allegiance of the town, on the other hand, I as burgomaster shall now perform the marriage rites. Organist! The wedding march! Organ plays. Scribes! Open the Book of Happiness! Enter Scribes with gigantic fountain pens in their hands. For four hundred years we were inscribing the names of poor girls doomed to the dragon in this book. Four hundred pages have been filled. And now for the first time on the four hundred and first page we are going to inscribe the name of the lucky soul to be united in matrimony with the hero who destroyed the dragon. Applause. Groom, answer me in good conscience. Do you agree take this girl to be your wedded wife? Burgomaster. For the benefit of my town I am willing to do anything. Applause. Heinrich. Scribes, write that down! Careful, you! Any blots you are going to be wiping with your tongues! Right. Well, that's that. Oh, pardon me! One empty formality left. Bride! You do, of course, agree to take the president of the free city to be your husband. Pause. Talk to me, girl - do you? Elsa. No. Heinrich. Splendid. Scribes, you may write that she agreed. Elsa. Don't you dare write that! Scribes recoil. Heinrich. Elsa, please do not hinder the proceedings. Burgomaster. But she is not hindering at all, my dear. When a girl says "no", it always means "yes". Scribes, write! Elsa. No! I will tear this page out and stomp it into the ground! Burgomaster. Beautiful maiden indecision, tears, fears, this and that. Every girl cries in her own way before the wedding, but usually is quite satisfied afterwards. We are going to gently hold her hands now and do what we need to do. Scribes... Elsa. At least allow me my last word! Please! Heinrich. Elsa! Burgomaster. Don't get excited, sonny. Everything is in perfect order. The bride is asking to speak. Let's have her speak, and we'll wrap up the official segment at that. That's all right, let her, we're all sensible people here. Elsa. Friends, my dear friends! Why are you killing me? This is like a nightmare. When a villain is holding his knife to your throat, you still can escape. Somebody could kill him, or you'd be able to break free... What if the villain's knife suddenly lunges at you by itself? And his rope slithers towards you like a snake to tie you up? If even the drapes on his window, quiet little drapes jump at you as well, to muffle your screams? What would you say then? I thought you were only instruments to the dragon, like the knife is to the villain. But you, my friends, you turned out to be villains in your own right! I am not accusing you, you may not recognize it yourself, but I am begging you - come to your senses! Could it be that the dragon hasn't died but turned into a human instead, as he often did? But this time he turned into many people at once, and now they are killing me. Don't kill me! Oh my god, what agony... Break free of the web you all got tangled in. Would no one stand up for me? Boy. I would, but my mom is holding my hands. Burgomaster. That's it, then. The bride has concluded her address. Life goes on, as if nothing had happened. Boy. Mommy! Burgomaster. Be quiet, pumpkin. Let's be merry as if nothing had happened. Enough of this bureaucracy, Heinrich. Just write somewhere "The marriage is hereby declared to be valid", and let's eat. I'm starving. Heinrich. Scribes, write: "The marriage is declared valid". On the double! What's the matter? Scribes take to their pens. There is a loud knocking at the door. Scribes recoil again. Burgomaster. Who's there? Silence. Hey, you! Whoever you are - tomorrow, tomorrow, during the business hours, register with my secretary. I don't have time! I am getting married here! Knocking again. Don't open the doors! Scribes, write! Door swings open by itself. There is no one behind it. Heinrich, come here at once! What does this mean? Heinrich. Ah, daddy, it's the usual stuff. The innocent lamentations of our maiden have disturbed all those simple-minded dwellers of rivers, forests and ponds. The house spirit came down from the attic, water sprites climbed out of the well... Let them. There's nothing they can do to us. They are just as invisible and powerless as the so called conscience. Worst case, we'd have a couple of bad dreams, and that's it. Burgomaster. No, it's him! Heinrich. Who? Burgomaster. Lancelot. He's got his invisibility hat on. He is standing nearby. He is listening to everything we say. And his sword is hanging over my head. Heinrich. My beloved father! If you don't come to, this instant, I am assuming the authority myself. Burgomaster. Music! Let the music play! Dear guests! Please accept our apologies for this inadvertent delay, but it's just that I am afraid of drafts. A draft has opened the door, that's all. Elsa, please calm down, honey! I pronounce the marriage ceremony completed subject to subsequent confirmation. What's that? Who goes there? A frightened Servant runs in. Servant. Take it back! Take it all back! Burgomaster. Take what back? Servant. Take back your dirty money! I don't serve you anymore! Burgomaster. Why? Servant. He's going to kill me for my treachery! Burgomaster. Who is going to kill him? Huh? Heinrich? Second Servant runs in. 2[nd] Servant. He is walking down the corridor! I bowed to him, but he did not even look at me! He does not look at people anymore. He's going to get us! We're so in trouble! Burgomaster. Heinrich! Heinrich. Keep a straight face. No matter what. Only this can save us now. Enter the third Servant, moving backwards. He is yelling into space. 3[rd] Servant. I will prove it to you! My wife can confirm! I have always condemned their actions! I only took their money due to altered mental state! I'll bring an affidavit! Burgomaster. Look! Heinrich. Straight face! For heaven's sake, straight face! Enter Lancelot. Burgomaster. Ah, hello, that's an unexpected visit. But welcome nonetheless. We don't have enough places set at the table... but no matter. You can eat from the soup plate, and I'll take the smaller one. I would order another setting, but the servants had run off, silly things. We're just having a little wedding here, you see, tee-hee, little family business, as they say, personal stuff... Allow me to introduce... Where are the guests? Oh, I guess they all dropped something and are looking for it under that table. This is my son, Heinrich. I gather you've met before. So young, and already the burgomaster. His career really took off since I... since we... since the dragon was defeated. What's the matter? Please come in. Heinrich. Why are you so silent? Burgomaster. Why are you indeed? How was your trip? What's news? Would you like to freshen up? The guards can escort you. Lancelot. Good evening, Elsa! Elsa. Lancelot! (runs to him). Sit, please sit down. Come in. Is this really you? Lancelot. Yes, Elsa. Elsa. Your hands are warm. And your hair grew a little longer since we last saw each other. Or does it only look that way? And your cloak is still the same. Lancelot! (makes him sit at the little table in the middle). Have some wine. No, no, don't take anything from them. You just rest a while, and we'll go. Daddy! He has come, daddy! Just like that night! Just when we thought again that there was only one thing left to do - die quietly. Lancelot! Lancelot. Do you still love me, then? Elsa. Did you hear, daddy? We have dreamt about this so many times, that he would come in and ask me: do you still love me? And I would answer: yes, Lancelot! And then I'd ask: Where have you been for so long? Lancelot. Far, far away, in the Black mountains. Elsa. Were you ill? Lancelot. Yes, Elsa. Being mortally wounded is a very dangerous affair. Elsa. Who looked after you? Lancelot. One woodsman's wife. Nice, kind woman. But she would always get upset when I called her Elsa in my sleep. Elsa. You missed me, then? Lancelot. I have missed you. Elsa. And I was so desperate here! They were torturing me. Burgomaster. Who? Impossible! Why didn't you report it to us? We would have taken measures! Lancelot. I know everything, Elsa. Elsa. You do? Lancelot. Yes. Elsa. How? Lancelot. In the Black mountains, not far from the woodsman's shack, there is an enormous cave. There's a book lying in this cave, the Book of Sorrows, filled almost to the end. Nobody touches it, but page after page gets added to the ones written before, added every day. Who writes them, you ask? The world! Written, written are all the crimes, all the suffering of innocents. Burgomaster and Heinrich are heading towards the door on their tiptoes. Elsa. And you've read about us there? Lancelot. Yes. Hey, you! Murderers! Stay where you are! Burgomaster. Now, now. Why so rude all of a sudden? Lancelot. Because I am not the man I was a year ago. I have freed you, and what have you done with your freedom? Burgomaster. Oh, for Pete's sake! If you are so dissatisfied with my performance, I will be happy to resign. Lancelot. Not so fast. Heinrich. That is exactly right. The way he conducted himself in your absence -- it just boggles the mind. I can provide the full list of his crimes that haven't made it to the Book of Sorrows yet, because they are still in the planning stage. Lancelot. Shut up! Heinrich. Wait a minute! If you give it impartial consideration, I personally cannot be held responsible. I was just brought up this way. Lancelot. Everybody was. But you had to be first in class, you bastard. Heinrich. We should leave, daddy. He is using bad words. Lancelot. You are not going anywhere. It's been a month since I've returned, Elsa. Elsa. And you didn't even think of coming by! Lancelot. I did, but in the invisibility hat, very early in the morning. I have kissed you very softly, so as not to wake you up, and then I took to wandering around the town. It was horrible what I've seen. Hard to read it in the book, but seeing it with my own eyes was so much harder. You, Mueller! 1[st] Townsman rises up from under the table. I saw you crying tears of joy when you were shouting "Glory, glory to the conqueror of the dragon!" at the Burgomaster. 1[st] Townsman. That is true. I did cry. But I wasn't faking it, Mr. Lancelot. Lancelot. You knew it was not him who killed the dragon. 1[st] Townsman. I sure did - when I was at home. But at the rally... (Throws up his hands) Lancelot. Gardener! Gardener rises up from under the table. You were trying to teach snapdragon flowers to say "Hail to the chief!", weren't you? Gardener. I was. Lancelot. Any luck? Gardener. In a way, yes. But the snapdragon was always sticking its tongue at me after saying it. I thought it would help me to receive another grant for further experiments... Lancelot. Friedrichsen! 2[nd] Townsman rises up from under the table. Burgomaster became mad at you and threw your only son in the dungeon, didn't he? 2[nd] Townsman. Yes. The boy was coughing all the time as it was, and that dungeon is so damp! Lancelot. And after that you have presented the burgomaster with a pipe inscribed "Yours forever"? 2[nd] Townsman. I had to placate him somehow, don't you see? Lancelot. What should I do with the lot of you now? Burgomaster. Just forget them, Mr. Lancelot. This job is not for you. Heinrich and I will handle them just fine. That would be the best punishment for these weaklings. Take Elsa with you and leave us to our own devices. This would be very humane. Very democratic. Lancelot. I can't. Come in, my friends! Enter weavers, blacksmith, hatter and luthier. And you have disappointed me as well. I thought you could take them on without me. Why did you yield to them and go to prison? Weavers. They caught us by surprise. Lancelot. Take these men. The president and the burgomaster. Weavers. (taking Burgomaster and Heinrich) Let's go. Blacksmith. I have checked the bars myself. Solid. Let's go. Hatter. These dunces' caps are for you. I was making beautiful hats, but that prison made me grow resentful. Let's go! Luthier. In my cell I fashioned this violin out of bread, and made the strings for it out of cobwebs. My violin plays softly and dejectedly, but this is your own fault. Let this music accompany you to the place from where there's no way back. Heinrich. But this is ridiculous! This is not right! This can't be happening! A stranger, a drifter, an impractical person -- how can he... Weavers. Let's go! Burgomaster. I object! This is inhumane treatment! Weavers. Let's go! Simple, depressing music, barely audible. Heinrich and Burgomaster are being led out. Lancelot. Elsa, I am not the man I was before. You can see that. Elsa. Yes. But I love you even more for it. Lancelot. We cannot leave. Elsa. That's all right. We can be happy at home, too. Lancelot. This is going to be a very meticulous job. Even worse than embroidering. We have to kill the dragon in each one of them. Boy. Is it going to hurt? Lancelot. Not you. 1[st] Townsman. What about us? Lancelot. You'll have to tough it out. Gardener. Please be patient, Mr. Lancelot. I implore you -- just be patient. Graft carefully. Build fires -- warmth is conducive to growth. Pull the weeds out gently, so as not to hurt healthy roots. If you really think about it, people also, maybe, taking everything into account, after all deserve careful looking after. Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend. And let the wedding still take place today. Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. Because people get kinder from joy. Lancelot. True! Let's have some music! Music plays. Elsa, give me your hand. I love all of you, my friends. Otherwise why would I care to invest so much in you? And if I love you, then everything will come out beautifully. And all of us, after all the trials and tribulations, all of us are going to be happy, very happy at the end! The end. Translator's notes Evgeny L. Schwarz (1896 or 1897-1958) is a Soviet playwright and author of books for children, as well as scripts for enormously popular Soviet movies ("Cinderella", "Don Quixote", "The Shadow"). "Dragon" is listed as having been written in 1943 in the book I have in my possession; however, other sources give it as 1944, which I tend to give more credence (see below). In any case, this was the time Mr. Schwarz was employed as a chief literary council and writer-in-residence at the Leningrad Comedy Theatre; the play was apparently commissioned with a view to production in the same theatre. The plot in fact follows quite closely after the legend of St. George, patron saint of England and the Russian/Soviet/Russian capital city of Moscow, among other places (the so called Golden Legend). Briefly: a fierce dragon was living near a Syrian town of Silena; he demanded two sheep from the town each day, and when sheep were gone, maidens from nearby villages had to be substituted, according to lots drawn by the people. Into this country came the future saint. Hearing the story on a day when a local princess was to be eaten, he crossed himself, rode to battle against the serpent, and killed it with a single blow of his lance. He then delivered a sermon so powerful that local residents converted. In the beginning of 1942, as German forces were digging in for a prolonged war after having made astounding gains against the Soviet Army the previous year, Mr. Schwarz have been commissioned, and quickly completed work on an openly ultra-patriotic anti-Nazi farce "Under the linden trees of Berlin". A crude satirical review written by an immensely talented author, it was received very favorably by the high-level Party cultural bureaucrats and approved for performances throughout the armed forces (and undoubtedly was performed many times there). "Dragon", while having all of the outward appearance of just another work directed against Nazism and Hitler personally, did not have such luck, though. Schwarz carefully selected neutral, mostly German-sounding names for his characters, based the play in an obviously European small burg, gave his dragon (or at least some of his incarnations) a vague military-Teutonic appearance and inserted historical references that should have been immediately familiar to contemporaries, such as having Heinrich spout almost verbatim the hysterical feel-good propaganda of another Heinrich -- Goebbels - about military advantages of contracting of the front lines (it is this particular phrase, by the way, that makes me suspect 1944 as the correct year for the completion of the play, since in 1943 German army has not yet been driven back to the extent that such message would become the official propaganda stance), while the townsman is heard complaining that "It's been two minutes already, and still no result" - reducing the German blitzkrieg concept to the point of absurdity. At the same time, there are blatant digs at the other dragon and his regime, this one much closer to home, sprinkled all over the text, their ubiquity and preciseness leaving no doubt in my mind about the author's intentions (and civic courage; people have been known to "disappear" for lesser offenses). See for yourself. Dragon's penchant for pipes ("You have presented me with a three-stemmed pipe...") closely follows Stalin's own well-publicized love for them, depicted on countless state portraits, so that eventually a special museum housing pipes presented to the beloved leader by assorted artisans had to be instituted. Dragon's characterization as "amazing strategist and great tactician" could have been lifted directly from the front pages of the Soviet newspapers of the day describing Stalin's military genius. At a deeper level, the casualness with which dragons (the dragon himself, and later Burgomaster - "Are you kidding? Of course we do!", and Heinrich -- "Quick improvements in sleep, appetite and attitude") get rid of undesirables matches the Soviet society more accurately than it does the German one. Townsfolk's attitude towards Charlemagne in the fight scene accurately reflects the public ostracism that "family members of the enemies of the people" faced daily (anyone seen helping them risked becoming the enemy himself). The phrase "spreading of rumors is going to be punished by chopping heads in lieu of monetary compensation" pretty much describes the modus operandi of the wartime internal secret police activity, as countless "rumor spreaders" went to the camps. Different parts of the same "communiqué" of Heinrich's can also be perceived as retreads of the Soviet InformBureau's messages during the early days of the war. There is a ban on looking at the sky in the book - and in real life, all radios had to be turned in to the authorities shortly after the war began. I could continue, but the picture seems to be clear. It should come as no surprise, therefore, that the theatre was summarily prohibited from performing the almost completed production. The attempted revival in 1962 met with approximately the same response after just a couple of internal shows. Print runs of 30,000 copies of Schwarz's collected (not complete) plays were ordered that same year and again 10 years later; this edition was to remain the only one until well into the 80s (and is the one I have used). Only in latter Brezhnev years have professional adaptations of the play (and later, during perestroika, a controversial film version "To Kill A Dragon" imbued with many more contemporary attributes and allusions) finally appeared. Cultural references are an eternal translators' bane. I firmly believe there is a middle ground between the purist approach (taken, for example, by Nabokov in creating his "Eugene Onegin" by augmenting one volume of the almost literally translated text with three more of commentary, a virtual cornucopia of Russian culture to which the reader is referred from almost every word, including comments on comments) and the extreme cavalier attitude to the original whereby all cultural specificity is completely replaced by that of the new language (but instead is more often than not completely lost). I have tried to maintain the balance as best I could, including keeping these notes to manageable size. I admit to having used some references that obviously were not on hand for the original, but they should be readily accepted and easily acknowledged by any English- or American-speaking reader, while hinting at their counterparts' position in the corresponding Russian folklore layers. By the way, Russian word for snapdragon does not have "dragon" in it, so this delicious pun is just an unintended bonus. The play is about getting in touch with your inner dragon, not about its various protagonists (and would-be protagonists) of all shapes and sizes, whether dead or alive. In this context, it is timeless and transcends cultural boundaries. This book had been with me and dear to my heart for as long as I could remember. Upon starting this project I realized to my surprise that I still could recall almost all of it word for word. I am happy if this effort of mine can bring it to even one more person who wouldn't otherwise have had a chance to get acquainted with it. Enjoy. Yuri Machkasov February 2001, Framingham, Massachusetts. Copyright © 2001, Yuri Machkasov. All rights reserved.