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 © Copyright Eugeny Schwarz
 © Copyright 2001 english translation Yuri Machkasov (machkasov@yahoo.com)
 Origin: Evgenij Shvarts "Drakon"
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                          A fairy tale in 3 acts.
                          Translated from Russian by Yuri Machkasov.


     Copyright © 2001, Yuri Machkasov. Permission to distribute this work in
its entirety or any of its parts by any and all electronic means (including,
but  not limited  to  creating local electronic  copies,  hosting on  public
servers and transmitting over networks and protocols)  is hereby granted  on
condition that  the work itself as well as  this notice appear  unchanged in
any  such  distribution.  All  other rights  reserved.  The  author  may  be
contacted by  means of electronic mail  at  machkasov@yahoo.com.  All
rights  to the Russian original are not intended to be  usurped or infringed
upon by this translation  and remain property of the corresponding copyright
holders, or in public domain as the case may be.

     Cast of characters:
     Dragon.
     Lancelot.
     Charlemagne - the archivist.
     Elsa - his daughter.
     Burgomaster.
     Heinrich - his son.
     Cat.
     Mule.
     1[st] Weaver.
     2[nd] Weaver.
     Hatter.
     Luthier.
     Blacksmith.
     Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend.
     Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend.
     Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend.
     Sentry.
     Gardener.
     1[st] Townsman.
     2[nd] Townsman.
     1[st] Townswoman.
     2[nd] Townswoman.
     Boy.
     Peddler.
     Warden.
     Servants, guards, townspeople.

     Act 1.

     A  spacious,  cozy kitchen, with  a big hearth in  the back.  The stone
floor is shining. On the easy chair in front of the hearth Cat is napping.

     Lancelot (entering, looks around, calls out) Master! Mistress! Is there
a living soul around here? Nobody's home... The  house is empty, the gate is
open, the doors are unlocked, windows ajar. Good thing I'm an honest person,
otherwise I would've  had to sneak around, tremble, grab what's valuable and
get out fast --  just when I  want to rest a little. (Sits down.) All right,
we'll wait. Mister Cat! Are your masters going to be back soon? Huh? Keeping
quiet, are you?
     Cat. I am.
     Lancelot. And why is that, if I may be permitted to inquire?
     Cat. When it's soft and warm around you, it's wiser to slumber and keep
your mouth shut, my dear friend.
     Lancelot. Still, where are your masters?
     Cat. They went out, which is most pleasant.
     Lancelot. So, you don't like them?
     Cat. I love them with every hair in  my  fur,  and  with my paws and my
whiskers, but there is a big tragedy upon them. I have peace in my soul only
when they go out the door.
     Lancelot. I  see.  So there's trouble coming  up? What  kind?  Are  you
keeping hush again?
     Cat. I am.
     Lancelot. Why?
     Cat. When it's soft and warm around you, it's wiser to slumber and keep
your mouth  shut, rather than concern yourself  with future  unpleasantness.
Mew!
     Lancelot. Hey, Cat, are you  trying to  scare me? It's  so cozy here in
this kitchen, the fire in the hearth has been built so lovingly. I refuse to
believe that this nice house is being threatened. Cat! What's going on here?
Answer me! Now!
     Cat. Why don't you let me doze off, stranger.
     Lancelot. Listen, Cat, you don't know me. I'm a very light person -- so
light  that  I've  been drifting all over  the  world like  a feather. And I
easily  stick my nose into other people's troubles. That  got me  wounded 19
times lightly, 5 times heavily and three  times --  mortally. But  I'm still
alive, because I'm not only light as a feather, but also stubborn as a mule.
Now tell me, Cat,  what happened here? What if I could  rescue your masters?
I've been known to do that, you know. So? Come on! What's your name?
     Cat. Marichen.
     Lancelot. I thought you were ...
     Cat. Well,  I am, but these  humans can sometimes be so inattentive. My
masters are  still wondering why is it that I haven't  had kittens yet. They
keep saying: "What's wrong, Marichen?". Those dear, poor people! And there's
not a word more out of me.
     Lancelot. All right, just tell me who they are, your masters.
     Cat. Mister Archivist  Charlemagne  and his only daughter, the one with
such gentle paws, the lovely, dear, soft Elsa.
     Lancelot. And which one of them is in trouble?
     Cat. Ah, she is -- and so are we all!
     Lancelot. And what is it? Come on!
     Cat.  Meow! It is almost four hundred years now that there's  a  dragon
living over our town.
     Lancelot. A dragon? Excellent!
     Cat. He imposed  a tribute on the town. Every year the dragon selects a
maiden.  And we  give her to him without so much as a meow. And he takes her
to his cave. And  we never see her again. It's said that they die there from
disgust. Pfft! Off! Off you go! Ffff!
     Lancelot. Who?
     Cat. The dragon! He chose our Elsa! That cursed lizard!
     Lancelot. How many heads does he have?
     Cat. Three.
     Lancelot. Impressive. What about paws?
     Cat. Four.
     Lancelot. Well, that's decent. Talons?
     Cat. Sure. Five talons on each paw. Each one the size of an antler.
     Lancelot. You don't say! Are they sharp, those talons?
     Cat. Like knives.
     Lancelot. I see. How about breathing fire?
     Cat. That, too.
     Lancelot. Real fire?
     Cat. Burns the forest.
     Lancelot. Uh-huh. Has he got scales?
     Cat. He got scales.
     Lancelot. And them scales, tough, I gather?
     Cat. Solid.
     Lancelot. No, really, how tough?
     Cat. Couldn't cut'em with a diamond.
     Lancelot. I see. Size?
     Cat. Like a church.
     Lancelot. OK, I get the picture. Thanks, Cat.
     Cat. Are you going to fight him?
     Lancelot. We'll see.
     Cat.  I'm begging you  -- please challenge him to a  fight. He'll  kill
you, of course, but what with the  commotion and all, we'd  be able to dream
in  the  meantime in front of  the fireplace that by accident or by miracle,
with something or other, maybe, possibly -- you'd kill him too.
     Lancelot. Thanks much, Cat.
     Cat. Get up.
     Lancelot. What is it?
     Cat. They're coming.
     Lancelot. I wish I'd  like her, if only I  would like her! This usually
helps so much  ... (Looks  out the window). I do like her! Hey, Cat, she's a
very sweet girl! What's that? Cat! She's smiling? She's completely calm! And
her father is smiling happily. You tricked me!
     Cat. No. The saddest part of this story  is  exactly that they are both
smiling. Quiet now. Good evening! To dinner, to dinner, my dear friends!

     Enter Elsa and Charlemagne.

     Lancelot. Good evening, kind sir and gentle lady.
     Charlemagne. Good evening, young man.
     Lancelot. Your  house -- it was  looking at  me so invitingly,  and the
gates  were open, and the fire was burning in the fireplace, so I let myself
in. I apologize.
     Charlemagne. No apologies necessary. Our doors are open for everyone.
     Elsa. Please, sit down. Let me take your hat, I'll hang it by the door.
The table will be ready in a minute... What is it?
     Lancelot. Nothing.
     Elsa. Why do I get a feeling that you are... afraid of me?
     Lancelot. No, no, no... It's just... Never mind.
     Charlemagne. Have a seat, my friend. I like  strangers. That's probably
because  I've lived my entire life  without ever venturing outside the town.
Where do you come from?
     Lancelot. South.
     Charlemagne. I guess you had a lot of adventures along the way?
     Lancelot. Oh, more than I'd wish for.
     Elsa. You must be really tired. Do sit down. Why are you standing?
     Lancelot. Thank you.
     Charlemagne. You  can  have a wonderful  rest with us. This  is a  very
quiet town. Nothing ever happens here.
     Lancelot. Never?
     Charlemagne. Never. Well, last week we had some very strong  winds. The
roof of one house  was nearly blown off. But this is not such a big deal, is
it?
     Elsa. Here's the dinner. Come, please. What's wrong?
     Lancelot. Excuse me,  but...  You're saying  that this is a  very quiet
town?
     Elsa. Of course.
     Lancelot. What about... the dragon?
     Charlemagne.  Oh, that... But  we've grown so accustomed  to him.  He's
lived with us for four hundred years now.
     Lancelot. But... I was told that your daughter...
     Elsa. Mister stranger, sir...
     Lancelot. My name is Lancelot.
     Elsa. Mr.  Lancelot, I beg your  pardon,  it's not that I  am trying to
reprimand you, not at all, but please, I  am asking you not to speak of this
anymore.
     Lancelot. Why?
     Elsa. Because there's nothing that can be done about it.
     Lancelot. You think so?
     Charlemagne. Yes, nothing can  be done here. We just had a walk in  the
woods,  and we discussed  everything so  nicely, so precisely.  Tomorrow, as
soon as the dragon takes her away, I'll die too.
     Elsa. Daddy, please don't talk about this.
     Charlemagne. Yes, yes, that's all.
     Lancelot.  I am  sorry. If  I  may be allowed  just one  more question:
didn't anyone try to fight him?
     Charlemagne.  Not in  the last  two  hundred years. Before that, he was
fought  a  lot,  but  he  would kill all  his adversaries. He's  an  amazing
strategist and a great tactician. He attacks the enemy unawares, pelting him
with  stones from  above,  then swoops straight down, right  on top  of  the
horse's head, and beats it with fire --  which totally  demoralizes the poor
beast. Then he rips  the horseman apart with his  claws. Well, in time, they
finally stopped going against him.
     Lancelot. Didn't you try going with entire town?
     Charlemagne. Of course we did.
     Lancelot. And?
     Charlemagne. He torched  the suburbs and driven half the population mad
with poisonous smoke. I told you this is a great warrior.
     Elsa. Please, do take more butter.
     Lancelot.  Yes,  I think  I will.  I need to restore my strength. So, I
apologize for  asking  so many questions,  but --  nobody even  tries  to go
against the dragon anymore? He's grown completely shameless?
     Charlemagne. Oh no! Not at all! He's so kind!
     Lancelot. Kind?
     Charlemagne. I assure  you. When  the town  was  under the threat of  a
cholera epidemic, upon the  pleading of the town doctor he breathed  fire on
the lake and thus boiled it. The entire town drank boiled water, which saved
us from the epidemic.
     Lancelot. Was that long time ago?
     Charlemagne.  Oh no. It's been  only eighty two years.  Good deeds  you
don't forget, do you?
     Lancelot. What other good deeds did your dragon accomplish?
     Charlemagne. He rid us of gypsies.
     Lancelot. But gypsies are very sweet people.
     Charlemagne. What!  I'm speechless! I admit, I've  never seen a  single
gypsy  in my life.  But even in elementary school they taught us  that these
are horrible people.
     Lancelot. Why is that?
     Charlemagne. They are vagrants by nature. It's in their blood. They are
an  enemy  of any organized state --  or they  long would have settled down,
instead  of drifting here  and there.  Their songs are without courage,  and
their ideas are destructive. They steal children. They sneak everywhere. Now
we have completely cleansed ourselves of them, but as  recently as a hundred
years ago any brunette had to prove he did not have gypsy blood in him.
     Lancelot. And who told you all that about gypsies?
     Charlemagne.  Our  dragon,  of  course.  Gypsies  would  challenge  him
blatantly in the first years of his rule.
     Lancelot. Now there's a nice, impatient people.
     Charlemagne. Don't. Please don't say that.
     Lancelot. That dragon of yours, what does he eat?
     Charlemagne.  Our town delivers  a  thousand cows,  two thousand sheep,
five  thousand chickens  and  eighty pounds of salt a month. In  summer  and
fall, there's also ten acres  of lettuce, asparagus and cauliflower added to
that.
     Lancelot. He's eating you around!
     Charlemagne. Not  at all! We're not complaining. How else can it be? As
long as he's here, no other dragons would dare touch us.
     Lancelot. My guess is all the others are long gone.
     Charlemagne. And what if  they aren't? Let me tell you: the only way to
get rid of dragons is to have one of your own. That's enough of him, please.
Why don't you tell us something really interesting instead?
     Lancelot. All right. Do you know what the Book of Sorrows is?
     Elsa. No.
     Lancelot. Now  you  will.  Five  years'  walk  from here, in the  Black
Mountains,  there's  an enormous  cave. There's a  book  lying in this cave,
filled up to half. Nobody touches it, but page after page gets added  to the
ones written before,  added every day. Who writes  them, you ask? The world!
The mountains, the grass,  the stones, the trees, the rivers -- they all see
what  people are doing. All the crimes are known to them,  all the suffering
of innocents. From branch to branch, from  drop to drop, from cloud to cloud
the human sorrows reach the cave in the  Black mountains, and the book grows
with them. If there weren't this book in the world, all trees would die from
longing, and water would become  bitter. Who is this book being written for?
For me.
     Elsa. For you?
     Lancelot. For  us. For me  and  few others. We are  light and  watchful
people. We discovered that there is such a book, and took pains to reach it.
And whoever glances into this book once  will never have peace again. What a
sorrowful book it is! The  complaints  cannot lay unanswered. And  we answer
them.
     Elsa. How?
     Lancelot. We insert ourselves in other people's business. We help those
in  need  of  help. We destroy  those who need to be destroyed. Do  you need
help?
     Elsa. What help?
     Charlemagne. How can you help us?
     Cat. Mew!
     Lancelot. Three times I have been mortally wounded, and all of those by
the people I  was  trying to save against their will.  But  even  though you
aren't asking  me to do it, I will challenge the dragon to a fight! Elsa, do
you hear?
     Elsa.  No, please!  He will kill  you, and  that  would poison the last
hours of my life!
     Cat. Meow!
     Lancelot. I am going to challenge the dragon!

     A sound  is  heard that  is growing  in  intensity -- whistling, noise,
howling. The windows are clattering. Purple glow is seen behind them.

     Cat. Speak of the devil!

     Howling and whistling suddenly stop. There is a loud knock on the door.

     Charlemagne. Come in!

     Enter Butler dressed in a lavish livery.

     Butler. Sir dragon.
     Charlemagne. Our pleasure.

     Butler  swings  the door  wide  open. Pause.  Then an elderly, gray but
sturdy, rather youngish-looking man with a military  air about him walks in.
His hair is in a crewcut. He's in no hurry,  smiling widely. In  general his
manner, while blunt, is not without charm. He's slightly hard of hearing.

     Man.  How's it going, guys.  Hi,  Elsa,  honey. You've got yourselves a
guest. Who is it now?
     Charlemagne. That's a stranger. Just passing by.
     Man. What? Report loudly and precisely, as a soldier should.
     Charlemagne. He is a stranger!
     Man. Is he a gypsy?
     Charlemagne. No, no! He's a very nice person.
     Man. What?
     Charlemagne. Nice man.
     Man. Good. Stranger! Why aren't you looking at me? What's  with staring
at the door?
     Lancelot. I'm waiting for the dragon to come in.
     Man. Ha! I'm the dragon.
     Lancelot. You are? And I've heard -- three heads, talons, huge size...
     Dragon. I'm just plain Jane today. No ranks, y'know.
     Charlemagne. Sir  dragon has been living among  humans for so long that
he turns  into one himself  from time to time, and drops  by  for a friendly
visit.
     Dragon. Yes.  Friends indeed, my dear Charlemagne.  In fact, I am  even
more than a friend to all of you. I am your childhood friend. Not even that,
I am a childhood friend of  your father's, and your grandfather's,  and your
great-grandfather's. Why, I  even remember  your great-great-grandfather  in
diapers. Darn!  A wayward tear.  Ha! The stranger  is gawking. Didn't expect
such feelings from me, did you? Did you? Lost your wits, you son of a bitch.
Well, well. That's OK. Ha! Elsa!
     Elsa. Yes, sir dragon.
     Dragon. Give me your paw.

     Elsa gives Dragon her hand

     You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile.
Right. What's that, stranger? Huh?
     Lancelot. Admiring the view.
     Dragon. Good.  Now that's a honest  soldier's  reply.  Carry  on. We're
simple people here, stranger.  Like  in the military. "I don't know but I've
been told...". Grab a bite!
     Lancelot. Thank you. I'm full.
     Dragon. That's all right. Eat anyway. What'cha doin' here?
     Lancelot. Business.
     Dragon. Huh?
     Lancelot. Business.
     Dragon. What kind  of business? Come on, spill it. Huh? Maybe I'll help
you, y'know. What did you come here for?
     Lancelot. To kill you.
     Dragon. Louder!
     Elsa. No!  He's joking!  Would  you like  to  hold  my hand  again, sir
dragon?
     Dragon. Wha?
     Lancelot. I am challenging you to a fight, do you hear?

     Dragon stands silent, fuming.

     Lancelot. I am challenging you for the third time, hear?

     A deafening, horrible triple  howl is heard.  Despite all its might, it
is not without certain musical quality. There is nothing human in this howl.
This is the Dragon screaming, stomping his feet, fists clenched.

     Dragon. (Suddenly cutting the howl short; very calmly) You idiot. Well?
Wanna say anything? Scared?
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. No?
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. All right, then. (With a slight shrug of his shoulders suddenly
completely transforms himself.  There's a new head on his shoulders; the old
one vanished without a  trace. A somber, reserved,  highbrowed, narrow-faced
graying blond man is standing in front of Lancelot.)
     Cat. Don't be afraid, my dear Lancelot.  He's got three noggins,  so he
just swaps them when he pleases.
     Dragon. (his voice changed just as his face did. Quietly and dryly.) Is
your name Lancelot?
     Lancelot. Yes.
     Dragon. Are you a  descendant  of  the infamous itinerant knight  named
Lancelot?
     Lancelot. He is my distant relative.
     Dragon.  I accept  your challenge. Itinerant  knights are like gypsies.
You need to be exterminated.
     Lancelot. I won't let you.
     Dragon. I  have  exterminated:  eight hundred  and nine  knights,  nine
hundred and five men  of undetermined social status, one  old  drunkard, two
loonies,  two women -- a  mother and an aunt of the girls I have chosen, and
one adolescent boy of  twelve -- a  brother of similar  girl. This list  has
also  been extended  by six armies and  five rebellious mobs. Please have  a
seat.
     Lancelot. (Sits.) Thank you.
     Dragon. Do you smoke? You may smoke now.
     Lancelot. Thank  you. (Takes  out a  pipe,  starts filling it leisurely
with tobacco).
     Dragon. Do you know on which day I was born?
     Lancelot. Wretched?
     Dragon. The day of a great battle. That day Attila himself was defeated
-- you understand, of course, how many warriors had to  be slain for that to
happen?  The ground was soaked  with  blood. The leaves  on the trees turned
brown  by  midnight.  By  dawn the  huge  black  mushrooms, which they  call
Gravediggers, sprang  up  under the  trees. And after them, I slithered  out
from under  the ground. I am the  offspring of war.  I am war. My veins flow
with the  blood  of the  dead Huns. This is cold blood. When in battle, I am
cold, composed and precise.

     At the word "precise" Dragon makes  a slight movement with his hand.  A
thread of flame shoots out of his index finger. It lights  up the tobacco in
the pipe that Lancelot have filled.

     Lancelot. Appreciate it. (Draws on the pipe with contentment.)
     Dragon. You are against me, consequently, you are against war.
     Lancelot. Not at all. I have been at war for most of my life.
     Dragon. You  are  an outsider, and we  have learned  to understand each
other from ancient times here.  The entire town shall look at you with dread
and  rejoice at your downfall. It will be  a  demise  without  honor. Do you
understand?
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. I can see you are still resolute.
     Lancelot. Even more so.
     Dragon. You are a worthy opponent.
     Lancelot. Thank you.
     Dragon. I will fight you in earnest.
     Lancelot. Excellent.
     Dragon. This means I am going to kill you immediately. Here. Right now.
     Lancelot. But I am unarmed!
     Dragon.  Would  you  have  liked  me  to give you  enough  time  to arm
yourself? No. I told  you I  was going to fight you in earnest. Elsa, please
fetch a broom!
     Elsa. What for?
     Dragon. I  will presently incinerate this man, and you  will  sweep his
ashes out.
     Lancelot. Are you scared of me?
     Dragon. I am unfamiliar with fear.
     Lancelot. Why are you  in  such a hurry then? Give me  until  tomorrow.
I'll pick weapons, and we will meet on the battlefield.
     Dragon. Why would I want to do that?
     Lancelot. So that people do not think you a coward.
     Dragon. People  will know nothing of  this.  These two will keep  their
mouths shut. You are going to die now -- bravely, quietly and disgracefully.
(Raises his hand.)
     Charlemagne. Hold it!
     Dragon. What is it?
     Charlemagne. You cannot kill him.
     Dragon. What do you mean?
     Charlemagne. Do not be angry,  I implore you -- you know I  am loyal to
you with all of my soul. But I am still an archivist.
     Dragon. What does your position has to do with anything?
     Charlemagne. I am in possession of  a certain  document  signed  by you
three  hundred and  eighty two  years  ago.  This  document had  never  been
rescinded. You see, I am not protesting -- I am just refreshing your memory.
It is signed, "Dragon".
     Dragon. What of it?
     Charlemagne.  After  all, she is my daughter. I  am allowed to wish for
her to live longer, aren't I? This is only natural, isn't it?
     Dragon. To the point.
     Charlemagne. Be it how it may -- I object. You may not kill him. Anyone
challenging you shall  be secure until  the day of the battle, so you  write
and affirm under oath. And the day of the battle shall be  chosen not by you
but by the one challenging you, so the document says and it is also affirmed
under  oath.  And  the  town shall render him assistance, and no one will be
punished -- this is also affirmed under oath.
     Dragon. When was this document written?
     Charlemagne. Three hundred and eighty two years ago.
     Dragon. I was a naïve, sentimental, inexperienced youth.
     Charlemagne. But the document has not been rescinded.
     Dragon. Big deal.
     Charlemagne. But the document...
     Dragon. Enough about documents. We are all adults here.
     Charlemagne. But you have signed. I can fetch the document real quick.
     Dragon. Stay where you are.
     Charlemagne. There came someone  who is trying to  save my girl. Loving
one's children is OK. It is permitted. And being  a good host -- it is  also
mostly permitted. Why are you looking at me so horribly? (Buries his face in
his hands).
     Elsa. Daddy!
     Charlemagne. I protest!
     Dragon. All right. I'll eliminate the entire nest.
     Lancelot. And the whole world will know you're a coward!
     Dragon. How?

     Cat  jumps out of  the  window in one  leap. He is heard hissing from a
distance.

     Cat.  Everything,  to  everybody,  I'll  tell everything, you  decrepit
lizard!

     Dragon breaks into a howl again, it is as loud as before, but this time
we distinctly hear moans, coughing and hissing in it. This is a huge ancient
evil monster roaring.

     Dragon.  (Suddenly  cutting the roar  short.) All  right.  We'll  fight
tomorrow, as requested.

     Departs quickly.  Immediately loud  whistling noise  starts behind  the
door.  Walls  are  shaking, the  light blinks.  The  noise dies down in  the
distance.

     Charlemagne.  He's gone. What  have I  done! Whatever  have I done! The
damned old egoist. I could not help myself! Elsa, are you angry with me?
     Elsa. No, of course not.
     Charlemagne. I suddenly feel very weak. Excuse  me. I have to lie down.
No, no, you should not accompany me. Stay with our guest. Entertain him with
a conversation. He was so nice to us. Excuse me, I'll go now.

     Exit Charlemagne. Pause.

     Elsa.  Why  have  you  started  all  this? I am  not  blaming you,  but
everything was so  clear,  so decent. It is  not at  all  frightening to die
young. Everybody will grow old, and you won't.
     Lancelot. How can  you  say  that!  Even trees  sigh when we bring them
down.
     Elsa. I am not complaining.
     Lancelot. Don't you feel for your father?
     Elsa.  But  he will die  exactly when he wants  to. This  is happiness,
wouldn't you say?
     Lancelot. Wouldn't you miss your girlfriends?
     Elsa. No. If not for me, the dragon would have chosen one of them.
     Lancelot. What about your fiancée?
     Elsa. How did you know I had one?
     Lancelot. I could sense that. Won't it pain you to part with him?
     Elsa.  But  to console  him, the  dragon  made  Heinrich  his  personal
secretary.
     Lancelot. I see. In  this case, it is not  such a  tragedy to leave him
after all. What about your town? Are you going to miss it?
     Elsa. But it is exactly for my town that I am dying.
     Lancelot. And does it just casually accept your sacrifice?
     Elsa. Oh no! I will perish on Sunday, but up until the next Tuesday the
entire town will be in  mourning. For three whole  days nobody  will eat any
meat. And special rolls called "the poor girl" will be served with tea -- in
honor of me.
     Lancelot. That's it?
     Elsa. What else can we do?
     Lancelot. Kill the dragon.
     Elsa. That is impossible.
     Lancelot.  The dragon  dislocated  your  soul, poisoned your  mind  and
obscured your vision. We are going to fix all that.
     Elsa. Don't. If it is true what you just said about me, I am better off
dead.

     Cat bursts in.

     Cat. Eight of my cat girlfriends and forty eight of my  kittens ran all
around  town, telling everyone  of the little skirmish  we're going to have.
Meow! Burgomaster himself is on his way here!
     Lancelot. Burgomaster? How lovely!

     Enter Burgomaster.

     Burgomaster. Hello, Elsa. Where's the stranger?
     Lancelot. Here I am.
     Burgomaster.  First off,  be a  sport, speak softly, preferably without
waving your hands, move slowly and above all don't look me in the eye.
     Lancelot. Why?
     Burgomaster.  Because my  nervous system is in awful  condition, that's
why. I am afflicted with all  of the neurological and  psychiatric disorders
that  exist  in the  world,  and with three more  on top of that  which were
previously  unknown. You think maybe  that  being a  burgomaster  under  the
dragon is just a walk in the park?
     Lancelot. You'll get better once I kill the dragon.
     Burgomaster. Better? Ha!  Better!  Ha! Better! (has a  hysteric attack.
Drinks  some water,  calms down).  The fact that you dared to  challenge sir
dragon is a disaster, that's what it is. The business was in top  shape. Sir
dragon, by  using his  considerable influence, was keeping my worthless punk
of an assistant under control, and his entire gang of flour merchants  along
with him. Now everything is going to be messed up! Sir dragon is going to be
preoccupied with the upcoming fight and will  disregard  the concerns of the
town council -- just when we started to make progress!
     Lancelot. How I can get it into your head, you poor man --  I  am going
to save the town!
     Burgomaster. Town? Ha! Town! Ha! Town! (Drinks some water, calms down).
My assistant is such a scoundrel that I  will gladly sacrifice not  one, but
two towns if only I could get rid of him.  Five dragons  are better than one
bastard like my assistant. I am begging you -- please leave? Pretty please?
     Lancelot. I won't.
     Burgomaster.  Congratulations.  I  am having  a cataleptic  fit.  (Goes
rigid, with a bitter smile on his face).
     Lancelot. I save everybody! Understand?

     Burgomaster remains silent.

     Lancelot. Do you understand?

     Burgomaster remains silent. Lancelot sprays him with water.

     Burgomaster. No, I don't understand. Who asked you to pick a fight with
him?
     Lancelot. The entire town wants that.
     Burgomaster. Oh  really? Look out  the  window. The  town's best people
have assembled to ask you to get the hell out of here!
     Lancelot. And where are they?
     Burgomaster. There, beside that wall. See? Come closer, my friends!
     Lancelot. Why are they on tiptoes?
     Burgomaster. So as not to get on my nerves. My friends, let us all tell
good Mr. Lancelot what is it we want of him. And one! Two! Three!
     Voices. Get away from us! Quickly! This instant!

     Lancelot steps away from the window.

     Burgomaster. See? Now,  if  you are a  humane, intelligent person,  you
have to respect the will of the people.
     Lancelot. Not on your life!
     Burgomaster.  Congratulations, I just went a bit crazy.  (Puts one  arm
akimbo, bends the other one gracefully.) I am a teapot! Boil me!
     Lancelot. I  think  I know  why  these  little people  were  running on
tiptoes.
     Burgomaster. Oh? And why's that?
     Lancelot. So that  they don't wake up real people.  I am  just going to
have a little chat with them. (Runs out.)
     Burgomaster.  Boil  me! On the other hand, there isn't much he can  do,
right? One word from sir dragon, and we're going to lock  him up in jail. Do
not be  concerned, my  dear Elsa.  At the  appropriate  moment, right on the
clock, our dear dragon is going to lock you in his embrace. Rest assured.
     Elsa. I will.

     There is a knock on the door.

     Come in.

     Enter the same Butler that announced the arrival of the dragon.

     Burgomaster. Hello, sonny.
     Butler. Hello, father.
     Burgomaster. You're from him, right? There isn't going to be any fight,
right? Have you brought an order to throw Lancelot in jail?
     Butler.  Sir  dragon  has instructed:  one  -- schedule  the fight  for
tomorrow; two  --  provide Lancelot  with weapons; three -- be a little more
smart.
     Burgomaster.  Congratulations.  I  have  completely  lost  my  marbles.
Hello-o-o! Marbles! Where are you? Get out of there!
     Butler. I have been ordered to talk to Elsa in private.
     Burgomaster. I'm going, I'm going. (Departs hastily.)
     Butler. Hello, Elsa.
     Elsa. Hello, Heinrich.
     Heinrich. Are you hoping that Lancelot is going to save you?
     Elsa. No. Are you?
     Heinrich. Me neither.
     Elsa. What did the dragon want you to tell me?
     Heinrich. He wanted me to tell you that you have to kill Lancelot if it
becomes necessary.
     Elsa. How?
     Heinrich. With a knife. Here it is. It is poisoned, by the way.
     Elsa. (horrified) But I don't want to!
     Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed  me to tell you that
he'd exterminate all of your girlfriends.
     Elsa. All right. Tell him I'll do my best.
     Heinrich.  In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that
any hesitation will be punished as insolence.
     Elsa. I hate you!
     Heinrich. In response to that, sir  dragon directed me to tell you that
he knows how to reward loyal servants.
     Elsa. Lancelot will kill your dragon!
     Heinrich. And in response to that,  sir dragon directed me to tell you:
"We'll see about that!"

     Curtains.

     Act 2.

     Town's central  square. To  the  right there is  the town  hall  with a
tower, upon which an armed sentry is  seen. In the back stands a huge somber
brown  building with no  windows, but with an  enormous cast iron  door from
foundation up  to  the  roof. "No humans, no exception" is written on  it in
Gothic script. To the left -- a wide ancient wall. There is the town well in
the middle with a gazebo and figured railings. Heinrich, without his livery,
is shining the brass fittings on the cast iron door.

     Heinrich. (singing to himself) Old man dragon had a cow,  e-i-e-i-o. He
said "We'll  see about that now",  e-i-e-i-o... Puff  the magic  dragon said
"Just wait and see"... Deep in my heart I do believe - we shall wait and see
some day!

     Burgomaster runs out from the town hall. He is in a straightjacket.

     Burgomaster. Hello, sonny.
     Heinrich. Hello, father. I just wanted to know how it's going in there.
Are you finished with the council meeting?
     Burgomaster. You wish! We  have worked through  the night only to agree
on the agenda for the day.
     Heinrich. Tired, I'll bet?
     Burgomaster. What do you  think? They had to change three straitjackets
on me  --  and  that's  in the last half hour.  Maybe  it's going to rain or
something, but my blasted schizophrenia is especially nasty today. Delusions
left and  right.  Hallucinations,  fixations,  you  name  it.  (Yawns.)  Got
tobacco?
     Heinrich. Sure.
     Burgomaster. Untie me then, let's have a smoke.

     Heinrich  unties  father's straitjacket. They sit down  together on the
steps of the palace, lighting up.

     Heinrich. So, when are you going to decide the question of weapons?
     Burgomaster. What weapons?
     Heinrich. For Lancelot.
     Burgomaster. What Lancelot?
     Heinrich. What are you, nuts?
     Burgomaster. Of course I am. Now there's a good son for you. Give him a
minute, and he  completely forgets  how deeply ill his  father is. (screams)
All you need is love!  (calmly) If that's not a delusion, I don't  know what
is.
     Heinrich. It's OK, father. It'll pass.
     Burgomaster. Don't you think I know that? It's still unpleasant all the
same.
     Heinrich.  Listen  here.  I've got  important news. Old  man  dragon is
nervous.
     Burgomaster. Can't be!
     Heinrich. Trust me. The old timer fluttered around  who knows where all
through the night, wings be damned. Showed up his mugs at home only by dawn.
And he reeked of fish like you won't believe,  which only  happens when he's
worried.
     Burgomaster. I see.
     Heinrich. And I  managed to find out the following. Our exalted serpent
was  fluttering all night exclusively  to dig up the complete  scoop  on the
good sir Lancelot.
     Burgomaster. No kidding.
     Heinrich. Don't  know  how,  don't  know where  --  Himalayas  or Mount
Ararat, Scotland  or  Caucasus,  but  the old timer  figured  out that  this
Lancelot  is  a  professional hero.  I despise their kind. However,  being a
professional  bad  guy, our Puff obviously pays a certain attention to them.
He was cursing, he was screeching, he  was  whining. Then grandpa sent for a
little  beer. After  guzzling a  barrel of  his favorite beverage the dragon
spread his webbed wings once more, and can  still be seen jetting to and fro
in the skies like a birdie. Doesn't this bother you?
     Burgomaster. Not in the least.
     Heinrich. Tell me, daddy. You're older than I am... More experienced...
Tell me, what do you think of the upcoming battle? Answer me. Is it possible
that  Lancelot...  Straight  answer,   please,  without   all  those  canned
pleasantries -- is it possible that Lancelot could win? Daddy? Please?
     Burgomaster.  My  pleasure,  sonny. I'll give  you  a simple,  straight
answer, right from the bottom of  my  soul. You see, my  little one,  I have
grown,  you know, so truly fond of  our dear dragon! Cross my heart. You can
almost  say  he's like  family  now.  I would even,  you know... What's  the
word... Give my life  for him. Honest to goodness truth, blow me  down.  No,
no! He's  going to win, my precious!  He will prevail, our fervent  serpent!
Snarling darling! Bustler-robustler!
     Heinrich. I can see, daddy, that  you don't want to speak to your  only
son honestly and sincerely.
     Burgomaster.  Oh no, sonny. I am not crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but not
to that extent just yet. Did the dragon order you to interrogate me?
     Heinrich. What are you saying, daddy!
     Burgomaster. Great  job,  sonny! You conducted  the entire conversation
admirably. I am  proud  of you.  And it's  not  because I  am your father, I
swear.  No, I  am  proud  of you as an expert, an  old  hired  gun.  Did you
remember what I told you?
     Heinrich. Sure thing.
     Burgomaster.  How about  all those words  -  fervent serpent,  snarling
darling, bustler-robustler?
     Heinrich. I remember.
     Burgomaster. Beautiful. Just put them in your report.
     Heinrich. I will, daddy.
     Burgomaster. You my little spy, you! My  only sonny boy! Concerned with
his little career, my sweetie. Need any money?
     Heinrich. Not at the moment, thank you, daddy.
     Burgomaster.  Here,  don't be  shy. I've  got some. Just had a  fit  of
kleptomania yesterday. Take it.
     Heinrich. No, thank you, daddy. Can you tell me the truth now?
     Burgomaster. Come on, sonny, you are not a little boy anymore. He wants
truth,  wouldn't you know it. I am not just your average  citizen, see. I am
the  burgomaster. I wouldn't tell the truth to myself for so many years that
I even forgot  how it sounds, damn  it. I distaste  it. I loathe  it. Do you
know what that pesky truth smells like? Enough about that. Hail dragon! Hail
dragon! Hail dragon!

     The sentry on the tower strikes his lance against the floor.

     Sentry. Atten-tion!  Eyes to the sky! His  excellency  the  dragon have
appeared over the Gray mountains!

     Heinrich  and  burgomaster  snap  to  attention,  turning  their  heads
skywards. A distant rumble is heard, which gradually dies down.

     At ease! His excellency have turned away  and disappeared among  flames
and smoke!
     Heinrich. Patrolling.
     Burgomaster.  Right. Listen,  now  you tell  me  one  little itty-bitty
thing. The dragon, he really did not give any orders?
     Heinrich. He didn't, daddy.
     Burgomaster. No killing, then?
     Heinrich. Killing who?
     Burgomaster.  Our dear  savior, who else.  Didn't he  order us  to just
whack the guy discreetly? Don't be shy now, you can  tell me. We're all just
one big family. Sonny? Keeping hush, are you?
     Heinrich. I am.
     Burgomaster. That's OK. I understand. Business is business, nothing you
can do about it. Right.
     Heinrich. Let me remind you, Mr. Burgomaster, that in a few minutes the
festive ceremony  of  conferring  of the weapons upon our Mr. Hero there  is
scheduled  to take place.  Might happen that  Puff  himself  would  deign to
attend, and you haven't anything ready.
     Burgomaster. All right, all right. I'm going. We'll  pick  some weapons
for him in  a snap. Satisfaction guaranteed.  Tie  up  my sleeves.  Here  he
comes! Here comes Lancelot!
     Heinrich.  Take him away from  here. Elsa is  coming, and I need a talk
with her.

     Enter Lancelot.

     Burgomaster.  Glory,  glory, hosanna, St. George, the  Victory Bringer!
Oops,  sorry. That's just  my  delirium talking. For a moment there, I could
swear I saw a resemblance.
     Lancelot. That's quite possible. He's my distant relative.
     Burgomaster. So, how did you pass the night?
     Lancelot. Walking around.
     Burgomaster. Made any friends?
     Lancelot. Sure.
     Burgomaster. Who?
     Lancelot. Your anxious  citizens would sic their dogs on me. You've got
some very sensible  dogs, I can  tell you. That's who I made  friends  with.
They understood  me, because they love their  masters and wish them well. We
talked until dawn.
     Burgomaster. Picked up any fleas?
     Lancelot. Not at all. Those were very nice, clean mutts.
     Burgomaster. Do you remember their names, by any chance?
     Lancelot. They asked not to tell.
     Burgomaster. Can't stand the dogs, myself.
     Lancelot. Your loss.
     Burgomaster. Such simple creatures.
     Lancelot. You think it's so simple to love their masters? The dogs know
full well what kind of people their masters are.  They weep, but they  still
love. Did you send after me?
     Burgomaster. After me, the stork exclaimed as he speared the snake with
his sharp  beak. After me, said the king looking back at his queen. After me
the  lasses  came flying astride elegant  canes.  In short, yes, I  did send
after you, Mr. Lancelot.
     Lancelot. What can I do for you?
     Burgomaster. Fresh  shipment of  cheese  is  on  sale at the  Mueller's
dairy. Modesty and a sheer dress are the girl's best friends. Wild geese are
flying over the cradle at sunset. The  town  council  is waiting for you  to
appear at its session.
     Lancelot. Why?
     Burgomaster.  Why do  linden trees grow  on the  Dragonpaw  street? Why
dance when you want  to kiss?  Why kiss when the horses are waiting? Members
of the town  council need to see you  in  person to figure out  what kind of
weapon will be most appropriate for you. Let's go present ourselves to them!

     Exit Burgomaster and Lancelot.

     Heinrich. Old man dragon had a cow, e-i-e-i-o. He said "We'll see about
that now", e-i-e-i-o... Puff the magic dragon said "Just wait and see"... We
shall wait and see, we shall wait and see...

     Enter Elsa.

     Elsa!
     Elsa. I am here. Did you send after me?
     Heinrich. I did. Such a pity  there's  this sentry on  the wall. If not
for that extremely annoying  circumstance, I would  have embraced and kissed
you.
     Elsa. And I would have punched you.
     Heinrich. Ah, Elsa.  You  always  were  a  little  too virtuous. But it
suited you, it did. There's a certain  something hidden behind your modesty.
Puff has an eye for girls. He always chose the ones with the most potential,
that naughty noggins. Is Lancelot hitting after you yet?
     Elsa. Shut up.
     Heinrich.  On the other hand, he probably  isn't. Even if there were an
old spinster in your place, he'd have  gotten himself right into the scuffle
all the same. He does not care who he's saving. It's part of his training. I
bet he didn't even take time to look at you closely.
     Elsa. We have just met.
     Heinrich. That's not an excuse.
     Elsa. Did you bring me here only to say all of this?
     Heinrich. Oh no. I brought you here to ask -- will you marry me?
     Elsa. Stop it!
     Heinrich. I am serious. I am authorized to inform you of the following:
if you  are going to be dutiful and kill Lancelot when needed, Puff will let
you go free as a reward.
     Elsa. I don't want to.
     Heinrich. Let me finish.  Instead of you another girl will be selected.
You don't know her. She's a  commoner, and she's planned for  the next  year
anyway.  So, it's  your choice: a  stupid death or a life  filled with  such
pleasures that have so far only appeared in your dreams, and even then  they
were disappointingly rare.
     Elsa. He's just scared!
     Heinrich. Who? Puff? I  know  all of his  weaknesses. He's a  tyrant, a
blockhead, a leech -- take your pick, but he's not a coward.
     Elsa. Is that why he was threatening yesterday and bargaining today?
     Heinrich. That is my victory.
     Elsa. Yours?
     Heinrich.  I am the  real  dragon slayer,  if  you wish. I  can solicit
anything. I was just waiting for my  chance, and  here it came.  I am not so
stupid as to concede you to anyone.
     Elsa. I don't believe you.
     Heinrich. Yes, you do.
     Elsa. It does not matter, I cannot kill a person!
     Heinrich. But you  did  bring  your  knife,  didn't  you? I can see  it
attached to your belt. I have to  go, dear, to put on my  ceremonial livery.
But I am sure of you. You'll carry  out your orders -- for your own sake and
mine. Life, entire life is before us just for the asking. Think about it, my
precious.

     Exit Heinrich.

     Elsa. Oh my god. My cheeks are  flushed as if  I were kissing him.  How
shameful! He almost convinced me... So that's how I am! So be it. Very well.
Enough. I was the most obedient  girl  in  town.  I believed everything. And
what  did it get me? Sure, everyone respected me, but happiness would always
come to someone else. They are sitting now  in their houses, selecting their
most festive  frocks, ironing the  lace.  Putting  on their  curls. They are
going out to admire my misfortune. I can  just see them sitting  in front of
their mirrors with their  powder  boxes, saying "Poor  Elsa! That poor girl,
she was ever  so nice!" And  I am here all alone,  alone in  this square,  I
stand here and  suffer. And that idiot guard is gawking at me  thinking what
the dragon is going to do to me today. And  tomorrow that guard  would still
be alive, he'll  have a break after his watch. He will go to  the waterfall,
where the river is so joyful that even the gloomiest people cannot but smile
looking  at how  merrily  it jumps.  Or he  might go to the park,  where the
gardener have grown a patch of wonderful black-eyed Susans that can  squint,
wink at you  and even read, provided the book is written in big letters  and
has  a  happy ending. Or  he  would  go  rowing  on the lake that the dragon
boiled,  where the mermaids  are so  gentle  since then. Not only they don't
sink anyone anymore, they  even sit in shallow waters  and sell lifejackets.
But they are still beautiful, and soldiers like chatting with them. And this
stupid soldier would  tell the mermaids how the happy music was playing, and
everyone was  crying,  and the dragon  was  taking  me to his cave.  And the
mermaids will  ooh and aah and  say  "Oh,  poor  Elsa,  that poor  girl, the
weather is  so nice today and she's gone!"  I don't want to!  I want  to see
everything, hear everything, feel everything.  There! I want  to  be  happy!
There! I brought the knife to kill myself. And I won't. There!

     Lancelot walks out of the town hall.

     Lancelot. Elsa! You can't imagine how happy I am to see you!
     Elsa. Why?
     Lancelot. My sweet lady, I had such  a hard day that  my soul is simply
crying out for some rest, if only for a moment. And here I  meet you, as  if
on purpose.
     Elsa. Were you at the meeting?
     Lancelot. I was.
     Elsa. Why did they ask you there?
     Lancelot. They offered me money if I would drop out of the fight.
     Elsa. And what did you tell them?
     Lancelot. I told them: you poor fools! Let's not talk about them. Elsa,
you  look even more beautiful today than you did yesterday. This is  a  sure
sign that I really do like you. Do you believe I will save you?
     Elsa. No.
     Lancelot. And I am not  offended by  that. This  shows how much  I like
you, I guess.

     Enter Elsa's Girlfriends.

     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Here we are.
     Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. We're Elsa's best friends.
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. We were so close for so many years,
since we were little.
     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. She was the smartest.
     Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. She was the nicest.
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend.  And still she would  care about us
so much. She would sew anything you'd ask, and  help you with your homework,
and cheer you  up you when  you think you're the most miserable girl  in the
world.
     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Are we late?
     Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. Are you really going to fight him?
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Mister Lancelot, can you arrange it
so that they let us on the roof of the  town hall?  They  would not dare  to
turn you down if you asked them. We so want to see the fight up close.
     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. Now you're mad at us.
     Elsa's  2[nd]  Girlfriend.  You don't  want  to  talk  to us
anymore.
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. But we're not bad girls,  we really
aren't.
     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. You  think  we are  not letting you
say goodbye to Elsa on purpose.
     Elsa's 2[nd] Girlfriend. But we are not.
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Heinrich ordered  us  not to  leave
the two of you alone until sir dragon allows it.
     Elsa's 1[st] Girlfriend. He told us to keep chatting.
     Elsa's 2[nd]  Girlfriend.  So  here we  are,  chatting  like
idiots.
     Elsa's 3[rd] Girlfriend. Because otherwise we would have had
to  cry. You,  stranger, don't have any  idea how embarrassing it is to  cry
before strangers.

     Charlemagne walks out of the town hall.

     Charlemagne.  The  meeting  has  ended,  Mr.  Lancelot.  The   decision
concerning your weapons has been  made. Please forgive us.  Please take pity
on us, the poor murderers, Mr. Lancelot.

     Trumpets sound. Servants quickly file out of the  town hall, laying out
the carpets and setting the chairs. They put  a large, very ornate chair  in
the middle, with  simpler chairs  to the left and  right of it.  Burgomaster
walks out, surrounded by town council members. He's very cheerful. Heinrich,
dressed in livery, is accompanying them.

     Burgomaster. That is a very funny  joke...  How did  she go? "I thought
that  to boys it comes naturally?"  Ha-ha-ha! Have  you heard this one? Very
funny. One gypsy got his head chopped off...

     Trumpets.

     Oh, everything's  ready. All right, I'll tell you  after  the ceremony.
Remind me. Let's go, people, let's go. Let's get this over with.

     City council members stand to the  right and left  of  the big chair in
the middle. Heinrich goes behind that chair.

     (Bowing  to the empty chair, very  quickly) Overwhelmed and  humbled by
the  trust  that  you,  your  excellency, invest  in  us  by  allowing us to
adjudicate decisions of such importance, we beseech you to assume  the place
of  the  honorary  chairman.  Going  once,  going  twice...  Dejectedly,  we
acknowledge the inevitable. Got to  carry on by ourselves. Please be seated.
I declare this mooting...

     Pause.

     Water!

     A servant brings up water from the well. Burgomaster drinks.

     I declare this meddling... Water! (Drinks. Clears his throat, in a very
high-pitched  voice) I declare  (in a  deep  voice)  this  meeting... Water!
(Drinks. High voice) Thank you,  darling! (deep voice) Get  lost, screwball!
(his own voice) Congratulations, people, I've got split personalities. (deep
voice) What do you  think you're doing, you old hag? (high voice)  Can't you
see, I  am the chairman. (deep voice) That's  a man's job! (high voice) I am
not so thrilled about it myself, honey. Please don't show me  your derision,
I just need to read decision. (his own voice)  On passage: providing weapons
for one Mr. Lancelot. Resolution: provide such, though it pains  us greatly.
Hey, you there! Get those weapons over here.

     Trumpets sound. Enter  Servants. First servant hands  Lancelot  a small
copper basin that has thin leather straps attached to it.

     Lancelot. That's a barber's wash-basin.
     Burgomaster.  Why yes, but we have  temporarily promoted it to  helmet.
This copper tray is appointed a shield. Don't be concerned. Even  things  in
our town  are disciplined and  obedient. They will carry out their duties to
the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, we have no suits of armor in the
town  storage. But we do  have a spear.  (Hands Lancelot a  piece of paper.)
This is  hereby  given  to  you  to certify that  the  spear  is  undergoing
preventive maintenance  at  this  point,  which is affirmed  by  appropriate
signatures and affixing of the town seal. All you have to do is present this
to sir dragon  during the fight,  and everything is going  to  be just fine.
That's  all, folks! (deep  voice)  Just  close  the  meeting, old hag! (high
voice)  I'm closing,  I'm closing. These people nowadays,  they  always  get
angry, angry,  don't  know  why  they're  angry...  (singing)  Teensy-weensy
Knightie went up the water spout... (deep voice) Close it! (high voice) What
do you think I'm doing? (singing) Down came the Dragon and took the Knightie
out... Out came the sun, and this session is now closed.
     Sentry. Attention!  To the sky!  His excellency have appeared  over the
Gray mountains and is now approaching at enormous speed!

     All  present  jump up and freeze with their  heads  turned skywards.  A
distant  rumble is heard, growing louder  by the moment.  The stage darkens.
Complete darkness. Rumbling suddenly stops.

     Attention!  His  excellency is floating above us like  a  storm  cloud,
obscuring the sun! Don't breathe!

     Two little green points light up.

     Cat. (whispering) Hey, Lancelot. This is Cat.
     Lancelot. (whispering) I know. I've recognized you by your eyes.
     Cat. I am going to be nodding off on the wall. Pick a moment, pussyfoot
over there -- I have something very pleasant I'd like to purr to you...
     Sentry.  Attention!  His  excellency  is  dashing heads-long  onto  the
square!

     A deafening whistle. Lights come on. There  is a small,  pale,  elderly
man sitting with his feet in the big chair.

     Cat. (from the  wall)  Don't be afraid, my  dear  Lancelot. That's  his
third noggin. He just swaps them when he wants to.
     Burgomaster.  Your  excellency! There were  no  extraordinary incidents
within the limits  of the town  entrusted into my care.  One person taken to
the precinct. Present are ...
     Dragon. (very calmly) Get lost. Everyone get lost. Stranger excluded.

     Everybody leaves. Left on the stage are Lancelot, Dragon and Cat who is
sleeping on top of the wall.

     How are you feeling?
     Lancelot. Fine, thanks.
     Dragon. What are these pans on the ground?
     Lancelot. My weapons.
     Dragon. Did my people think of that?
     Lancelot. They did.
     Dragon. Those rascals. I bet you're offended.
     Lancelot. I'm not.
     Dragon. Lies.  I've  got cold blood,  but  even I would  take  offence.
Scared?
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. Lies again. My people  are very scary. Won't find any like them
anywhere. Solid piece of work. Hewn them myself.
     Lancelot. They're still human.
     Dragon. That's from the outside.
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. If you could see their souls, that would give you a fright.
     Lancelot. No.
     Dragon. You'd run  away.  Wouldn't  risk your life for the cripples. My
dear man, I  crippled  them myself.  Crippled them  exactly as required. You
see, the human soul  is very resilient. Cut the body in half -- and  the man
croaks. But tear the  soul apart -- and it only becomes more pliable, that's
all. No,  really, you  couldn't pick  a finer assortment  of souls anywhere.
Only in my  town. Souls  with no hands. Souls with no legs. Mute souls, deaf
souls, chained  souls, snitch  souls, damned  souls. Do  you  know  why  the
burgomaster parades his supposed madness around? To conceal that he does not
have  any  soul at all. Hollow souls, corrupt  souls,  worn  out souls, dead
souls. A pity they're invisible, really.
     Lancelot. You're lucky they are.
     Dragon. How do you mean?
     Lancelot.  People would be horrified  if they could see with their  own
eyes what happened  to their souls.  They would rather march to their deaths
then remain enslaved. Who is going to feed you then?
     Dragon. I'll be damned. You might be onto something there. So, shall we
begin?
     Lancelot. Why not.
     Dragon. Say goodbye first to the girl you are dying for. Boy!

     Heinrich runs in.

     Fetch Elsa.

     Heinrich runs out.
     
     Do you like the girl I've chosen?
     Lancelot. I do, very much.
     Dragon. Glad  to  hear that. I  also like  her  very much. An excellent
girl. Very obedient girl.

     Enter Elsa and Heinrich.

     Come, come here, my sweet. Look  into  my  eyes. That's right. Perfect.
The  eyes are bright. You may kiss my hand now. That's right. Excellent. The
lips are warm. This means your soul is clear. Would you  like to say goodbye
to Mr. Lancelot?
     Elsa. As you wish, sir dragon.
     Dragon. Here's what I wish. Go. Have a nice talk with him. Have a  very
nice, tender talk with him.  Kiss him goodbye.  That's all right. I am going
to be right there. You may do it if I'm there. And then kill him. It's OK. I
am going to be right there. You will do it if I'm there. Go on. You can take
him  a little farther  along from here. I have excellent eyesight.  I'll see
everything. Go on.

     Elsa comes up to Lancelot.

     Elsa. They told me to say goodbye to you, Mr. Lancelot.
     Lancelot. All  right,  Elsa. Let's  say  goodbye just in  case. This is
going to be a serious  battle. Who knows what might happen. I'd only like to
tell you that I love you, Elsa.
     Elsa. Me!
     Lancelot.  Yes,  Elsa. Yesterday I liked  you so  much when I  saw  you
walking so quietly home with your father. Then I  noticed that every  time I
meet you, you look more and more beautiful.  There, I thought. This might be
it. And  then, when you kissed the dragon's paw, I was not  angry, just very
sad. That's when I could see it all clearly. I love you,  Elsa. Please don't
be angry. I wanted so much for you to know that.
     Elsa.  I thought that even if there  were another girl in my place, you
still would have challenged the dragon.
     Lancelot. Of  course I would have. Those  dragons, I just  can't  stand
them. But  for  you, I am  ready to strangle  him  with my  bare hands. Even
though that's pretty disgusting.
     Elsa. You love me, then.
     Lancelot.  I do.  What a horrible thought:  if  at that place yesterday
where  three  roads met together I turned left  instead  of right,  we would
never have seen each other. Isn't this scary?
     Elsa. It is.
     Lancelot.  Isn't it?  I  have a feeling  now that  I  don't have anyone
closer to me than you are. And  I  think  about  your town as being  my own,
because you live here. If I am... What I'm saying is that if we  don't get a
chance to talk anymore, please do not forget about me.
     Elsa. No.
     Lancelot. Please don't. This  is  the first  time today that you looked
into my eyes. And I've just felt this incredible warmness inside, as  if you
have caressed me.  I am just a stranger, light as a  feather,  but I've been
fighting hard battles all my life.  Dragon  here, monsters there,  giants...
You hustle and you hustle... That's a fussy, thankless job, you know. But  I
was always happy. I never grew tired. And I fell in love a lot.
     Elsa. You did?
     Lancelot. Of course. You travel here and there, you get into fights and
you meet girls. Somehow they always manage to end up either in a giant's bag
or  a monster's kitchen. And those villains, they pick only pretty girls for
some reason. Especially monsters.  So,  you'd fall in  love,  naturally. But
never like this, like I do now. I was  joking with those girls. Making  them
laugh. And you, Elsa, if only we were alone, I  would just want to kiss you.
I mean it. And I would take you with me, away from here. We'd travel around,
through the forest and over the hills, it really  is not that  hard. No, no,
I'd get you a horse, with  a saddle that would never make you tired. And I'd
just walk along admiring you. And nobody would dare upset you.

     Elsa takes Lancelot's hand.

     Dragon. The girl is brilliant. She's taming him.
     Heinrich. Yes. She's far from being stupid, your excellency.
     Lancelot. Elsa, are you going to start crying now?
     Elsa. I am.
     Lancelot. Why?
     Elsa. I feel sorry.
     Lancelot. For who?
     Elsa. For  myself  and you. We are not going to be happy  together, Mr.
Lancelot. Why did I have to be born under a dragon!
     Lancelot. Elsa, I've never  told anything but truth. We are going to be
happy. Trust me.
     Elsa. Oh, please don't.
     Lancelot. We are going to walk together along a forest trail, merry and
happy. Just you and I.
     Elsa. Don't. Please.
     Lancelot. And the  sky is going to be clear above us. No one would dare
threaten us from there.
     Elsa. Really?
     Lancelot. Yes. Oh,  your poor people, they wouldn't  know how deep love
can be. All  the  fear, all the weariness, all  the misapprehension  -- they
will just burn out inside you, disappear forever, that's how much  I'm going
to love  you. You will smile as you go to sleep, and when  you wake up,  you
are going  to smile and call  me, that's how much you are going  to love me.
And you'll learn to love yourself, too. You will become calm and proud.  You
will  understand that if I  am kissing you, it means  that you are beautiful
just  the  way you  are.  And all the trees  in the forest would  talk to us
gently, and birds, and  animals, because real lovers understand  everything.
And everybody would be happy to meet us, because real lovers bring luck.
     Dragon. What's he prattling about over there?
     Heinrich. A sermon, I guess. Knowledge is power. Wash you  hands before
every meal. The usual. Such a bore...
     Dragon. I see.  Look,  she  put her hand on his  shoulder.  She's doing
great!
     Elsa. Even  if we would never live to see that happiness, no matter. It
doesn't matter, I am happy now. These monsters are  watching over us, but it
seems like we're oceans away. Nobody ever talked to me  this way, my dear. I
never knew there were people like you in this world. Only yesterday I was so
obedient, just  like  a dog. I  wouldn't let myself to even think about you.
And still, I  went down to the kitchen last  night,  very quietly, and drank
the wine  that  was left in your glass. Only now I understand that by  doing
that I was secretly, in my own way, kissing you that night, to thank you for
standing up for me. You  wouldn't understand what a mess the  feelings of us
poor downtrodden girls  are. I thought I hated you then. And  now I see that
this was my own secret way of falling in love with you. I  love you! I am so
happy  to  be able  to  say  that  openly.  And I  am so happy to... (kisses
Lancelot).
     Dragon. (stomping his feet  with  anticipation)  She's going  to do it,
she's going to do it!
     Elsa. Now please let me go, my love. (slides out of Lancelot's embrace.
Pulls  the knife  out  of the holster.) See this knife? Dragon ordered me to
kill you with this knife. Look!
     Dragon. Come on, come on, come on!
     Heinrich. Do it, do it!

     Elsa throws the knife into the well.

     You miserable wench!
     Dragon. (thundering) How dare you!
     Elsa. Not a word out of you!  You think I will allow you to  yell at me
now, after he kissed me? I love him. And he will kill you.
     Lancelot. And that is the truth, sir dragon.
     Dragon. Well, well,  well.  I  see.  I guess we'll have to  fight then.
(Yawns.) Tell you the truth,  I am not really disappointed. I have developed
a fascinating blow  recently, with the  X paw in the Y direction. We'll just
test it directly on the body. Knave, go call the guards.

     Heinrich runs away.

     Go  home, silly girl. We'll discuss all  of this  carefully,  privately
after the fight.

     Enter Heinrich with the Guards.

     Guards! Listen, what was it I was  going to tell you... Ah,  of course.
Please escort this lady to her house. And hold her there.

     Lancelot makes a step forward.

     Elsa.  Don't. Save  your strength. Come after me  when you kill him.  I
will be  waiting  for you and remembering every word you said to me today. I
believe in you.
     Lancelot. I will come after you.
     Dragon. That was really beautiful. Now go.

     Guards take Elsa away.

     You boy, relieve that sentry  in the tower and send him to jail.  We'll
have to cut his head off later tonight. He heard the damn girl scream at me,
and  he might  squeal about  it in  the barracks.  Go take care of it.  Then
return here. You're going to help me spread poison on my talons.

     Exit Heinrich.

     (To Lancelot.) And you, you just stay where you are, understand? When I
begin, I won't tell you. Real war always starts out of the blue, understand?

     Climbs out of the chair and goes off into the palace.
     Lancelot approaches the Cat.

     Lancelot. What was it so pleasant you were going to purr to me?
     Cat.  Glance to your right, my dear Lancelot. Do you see that mule in a
cloud of dust? He's being stubborn.  Five men are trying to appease him. Let
me sing a little song  to them. (Meows.). See how he is  jumping  towards us
now?  But  he's going to stall right by  this wall  again. Have a  word with
those handlers of his then. Here they come.

     A mule's  head  is seen behind the wall.  He stops dead  in a cloud  of
dust. Five handlers are yelling at him. Heinrich runs across the square.

     Heinrich. (to handlers) What are you doing here?
     Two handlers. (in unison) Delivering goods to the market, your honor.
     Heinrich. What goods?
     Two handlers. Carpets, your honor.
     Heinrich. Move along, move along! No standing near the palace!
     Two handlers. The mule is acting up, your honor.
     Dragon's voice. Bo-oy!
     Heinrich. Move along! (runs inside the palace).
     Two  handlers. (in unison)  Good afternoon, Mr. Lancelot.  We  are your
friends, Mr. Lancelot.  (They clear  their throats  together).  Please don't
mind us speaking in one voice -- we've been  working together since we  were
kids, and we grew  so close that we think and speak  as  a single person. We
even fell in love at the  same moment  on the same  day, and got married  to
twin  sisters. We weave a lot of carpets, but we have woven the best one  of
them tonight,  just for you.  (They take  a  carpet off  of  mule's back and
spread it on the ground.)
     Lancelot. What a beautiful carpet!
     Two handlers. It is.  Superior  quality, double  sided, wool  and silk,
colors by our own special secret recipe. But the secret of the carpet is not
in the colors, or the wool, or the silk. (softly) This is a flying carpet.
     Lancelot. Marvelous! Tell me quickly, how do you pilot it?
     Two  handlers. It's  very simple,  Mr.  Lancelot. This is  the altitude
corner, there's sun printed on it. This  is the  depth corner, there's earth
printed  on it. This  is the  intricate  flight corner,  there are  swallows
printed on it. And this is the dragon corner. Lift it,  and you fly  sharply
down, right on your enemy's  noggin. Here we  printed the goblet of wine and
some sumptuous food. Beat him and have a party. No, no. Do not thank us. Our
great-grandfathers  were  waiting  for  you,  looking  at   the  road.   Our
grandfathers were waiting. And we finally got to meet you.

     They  depart quickly,  and  right  away the  Third handler  runs up  to
Lancelot, with a carton in his hands.

     3[rd] handler.  Good afternoon, sir! Excuse  me. Please turn
your head that way. Now this way. Perfect. Dear sir, I am the town hatter. I
make the best hats in  the entire world. I  am quite  famous in  this  town.
Every dog knows me here.
     Cat. As well as every cat.
     3[rd] handler. What did I tell you?  Without any fitting, by
just glancing at the customer,  I produce  things that flatter  their owners
immensely,  and  this  is the source  of joy  in my life.  For  example, the
husband of one lady only likes her when  she's wearing one  of my  hats. She
even sleeps in it, and she  admits freely that she owes me her entire life's
happiness. I was working for you, dear sir, all through the night, and I was
crying like a baby.
     Lancelot. Why?
     3[rd]  handler. You see, this is a very special, very tragic
model. This is the invisibility hat.
     Lancelot. Excellent!
     3[rd]  handler.  As  soon  as  you   put  it  on,  you  will
immediately disappear, and the poor master will never know if  it  suits you
or not!  Take  it, put please  don't try it before me!  I can't bear  it!  I
can't!

     He runs  out. The  Fourth handler approaches Lancelot  right away  -- a
gloomy,  burly,  bearded  man carrying  a large package  on his shoulder. He
unwraps it. There are a sword and a spear.

     4[th] handler. Here. Just forged it last night. Break a leg.

     Exit  Fourth  handler. The Fifth handler runs  up to Lancelot.  He is a
little gray man with a stringed musical instrument in his hands.

     5[th] handler.  I am a luthier. I make  musical instruments,
Mr.  Lancelot.  My   great-great-grandfather  began   work  on  this  little
instrument. Generation after generation we were working on it, and it became
almost human in our hands. It will  be a loyal companion to  you. Your hands
will  be  occupied  with your  spear and your  sword, so it'll take  care of
itself. It will sound the concert "A" and get in tune. It'll change a broken
string  and start playing again. When you  need it, it'll do an encore; when
you don't, it'll be silent. Am I right?

     Instrument responds with a musical phrase.

     You see? We heard everything, we heard how you were wandering all alone
in this town,  and we were hurrying, trying our best to arm you from head to
toe. We waited, hundreds of years we waited.  The dragon made us very quiet,
so we  waited quietly. And now  our wait is over. Kill him and set us  free.
Right?

     Instrument responds with a musical phrase.  Exit  Fifth handler, bowing
deeply.

     Cat.  When the fighting  starts, we -- the mule and  I -- are going  to
take cover in the barn behind  the  palace. I  wouldn't want  the flames  to
singe my fur. If you need us, just holler. Here in the mule's bags there are
some beverages to maintain your  strength, cherry  pie, sharpening steel for
the sword, spare tips for the spear and a sewing kit.
     Lancelot. Thank you. (Walks  onto the  carpet. Takes the weapons in his
hands, puts  the musical  instrument at his  feet. Unwraps the  invisibility
hat, puts it on and disappears).
     Cat. Excellent craftsmanship. Outstanding  masters. Are you still here,
dear Lancelot?
     Voice of Lancelot. Not really.  I  am ascending  slowly.  Take care, my
friends.
     Cat.  Take care, my  dear. Ah,  what a commotion, and  so  much  worry.
Really, being desperate is much more satisfying. You just sleep away and you
aren't waiting for anything to happen. Don't you agree, dear mule?

     Mule wiggles his ears.

     Well, I  can't talk with  my ears. Let's use words,  shall  we? I  know
we're  not  too familiar with each other,  but  we are  going  to be working
together, so we might as well have a little friendly  meow.  It's torture to
just wait in silence. So, how about a meow?
     Mule. I do not meow.
     Cat. OK, OK, let's just talk. The dragon thinks Lancelot is waiting for
him here, and he is long gone. That's a hoot, isn't it?
     Mule. (gloomily) Hysterical.
     Cat. Why aren't you laughing then?
     Mule.  They'll beat me up  again. As soon as I laugh, they  always say:
that damn mule is screeching again. And they beat me up.
     Cat. Oh, I see. So you've got a loud, piercing laugh, right?
     Mule. Uh-huh.
     Cat. What do you laugh about?
     Mule. You know... Things. I think, and then I think some more, and then
I always remember something funny. Horses always leave me in stitches.
     Cat. How so?
     Mule. I don't know. They're just... stupid.
     Cat. Excuse me if this is too personal, but I was always wondering...
     Mule. What?
     Cat. How can you eat thistle?
     Mule. Why?
     Cat. Of course, you sometimes  find something edible in  the grass. But
thistle... It is so... dry!
     Mule. I don't mind. I like spicy food.
     Cat. What about meat?
     Mule. What about it?
     Cat. Have you tried it?
     Mule. Meat is not food. Meat is something you carry. They put it in the
cart, you silly.
     Cat. Milk?
     Mule. That I had when I was little.
     Cat. Finally. Something nice and soothing to talk about.
     Mule.  Right. This is nice to  remember. Soothing, too. Mommy  is kind.
Milk is warm. You suck, and you suck. Heaven! Tasty.
     Cat. Milk is also good when lapped.
     Mule. I do not lap.
     Cat. (jumps up) Hear that?
     Mule. Stomping his hooves. Bastard.

     Dragon's triple howl.

     Dragon. Lancelot!

     Pause.

     Lancelot!
     Mule. Peek-a-boo.  (Breaks out  in a  bout  of mule laughter). Hee-aah!
Hee-aah! Hee-aah!

     The doors  of the palace swing open. Amid the fire and smoke we can see
now three giant heads, now enormous paws, now flaming eyes.

     Dragon. Lancelot! Come admire me before the fight. Where are you?

     Heinrich  runs  out  into  the  square.  Scurries  around,  looking for
Lancelot, peeks into the well.
     
     Where the hell is he?
     Heinrich. Must have hidden somewhere, your excellency.
     Dragon. Hey you, Lancelot! Where are you?

     Sword rings out.

     Who dared strike me?
     Voice of Lancelot. Lancelot here!

     Total darkness. Dragon  howls threateningly. Lights come  on.  Heinrich
darts into the town hall. Sounds of battle.

     Cat. Let's get into the hideout.
     Mule. It is time.

     They   run   off.  The   square   fills  with   townspeople.  They  are
extraordinarily quiet. Everybody is whispering, glancing at the sky.

     1[st] Townsman.  This battle is  dragging  on excruciatingly
long.
     2[nd] Townsman. Yes.  It's  been  two minutes  already,  and
still no result.
     1[st] Townsman. I just hope it is going to be all over right
away.
     2[nd] Townsman. Ah, we've  led such orderly lives... And now
look at us -  it's breakfast time, and I don't want to eat at all. Terrible!
Hello, Mr. Gardener. Why are you so distraught?
     Gardener.  I've  just got  my roses to  bloom  today - tea roses, bread
roses and wine roses. You can be sated and drunk  just by looking  at  them.
Sir dragon was going to  come by  to have  a  look  and give  me a grant for
further research. But now there's this  war.  This terrible mess can destroy
the fruit of labor of many years.
     Peddler. (in an animated whisper). Who would like some blackened glass?
For a small fee, everybody can see sir dragon burned as a piece of toast.

     Everybody laughs softly.

     1[st] townsman. This is an outrage! Ha-ha-ha!
     2[nd] townsman. A blackened dragon. That'll be the day!

     They buy pieces of glass.

     Boy. Mommy, why is dragon scrambling all across the sky?
     Everybody. Shhh!
     1[st]  townsman.  He  is not scrambling,  young  man. He  is
maneuvering.
     Boy. Why does he have his tail between his legs?
     Everybody. Shhh!
     1[st] townsman. The tail is tucked in according to carefully
developed strategy, young man.
     1[st] townswoman. Just think about this! This war is already
six  minutes  long, and  there still  is no  end in  sight. Everybody is  so
worried, so worried. Vendors at the market have already tripled the price of
milk.
     2[nd] townswoman. Forget about  the vendors! On our way here
we saw a display  that would  really send chills down  your spine. Sugar and
butter, both  pale as  a ghost,  were  rushing  from  the stores back to the
warehouse. That's nervous produce for  you! Running scared as soon  as  they
hear the sound of battle.

     Cries of terror. The crowd dashes aside. Enter Charlemagne.

     Charlemagne. Good morning, friends!

     Silence.

     Don't you recognize me?
     1[st]  townsman. Of  course not. You have  become absolutely
unrecognizable since last night.
     Charlemagne. Why?
     Gardener.  Nasty  people. Harboring  strangers.  Ruining dragon's  good
mood. This  is worse than... not keeping off the grass! And now look at him!
He is asking us "why"!
     2[nd] Townsman. I personally stopped recognizing you as soon
as your house was surrounded by guards.
     Charlemagne.  Yes, isn't that awful?  Those stupid guards wouldn't even
let me to my own daughter. They say dragon doesn't allow anyone near Elsa.
     1[st]  Townsman.  Nothing wrong with that. I can  sympathize
with their point of view.
     Charlemagne. Elsa is there all alone. Even though  she would wave at me
cheerfully in the window, I still think she only did that to calm me down. I
just can't find a place for myself!
     2[nd] Townsman. Can't  find a place? Have  you been relieved
of your archivist position, then?
     Charlemagne. No.
     2[nd] Townsman. So, which place are you talking about?
     Charlemagne. Don't you understand?
     1[st]  Townsman. No. Ever  since you made friends  with that
outsider, we speak different languages.

     Battle noises, sounds of sword striking.

     Boy. (pointing  at the sky) Mommy,  mommy! He just flipped upside down!
Somebody is beating him so that sparks are flying!
     Everybody. Shhh!

     Trumpets. Enter Heinrich and Burgomaster.

     Burgomaster. Listen  here. In order to avoid  an  eye disease epidemic,
and strictly because of that, it is hereby forbidden to look at the sky. You
will  learn of everything that is happening  up there from communiqués  that
sir dragon's personal  secretary is going to be issuing from time to time as
needed.
     1[st] Townsman. Right move.
     2[nd] townsman. About time.
     Boy. Mommy, why is it harmful to look at him being beaten up?
     Everybody. Shhh!
     Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend.  This war has  been going on for 10
whole minutes! Why wouldn't this Lancelot just surrender?
     Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. He knows full well it is impossible
to defeat the dragon.
     Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend. He is just torturing us on purpose.
     Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend. I  left my gloves  at Elsa's place.
But I don't even care anymore. I am so tired of this war; I don't care about
anything.
     Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. Me  too.  I  have become completely
insensible. Elsa promised to give me her new shoes as a present, but I don't
even remember that.
     Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend.  Just  think  about  it! If not for
that  stranger, Dragon would have already taken  Elsa to his cave. We  could
have been sitting comfortably at home crying right now.
     Peddler.  (whispering smartly)  Can  I interest  you  in a  fascinating
scientific instrument, a so called mirror? You  look down, but  you see  the
sky. For a small fee, the dragon is at your feet.

     Everybody laughs softly.

     1[st] Townsman. Outrageous! Ha-ha-ha!
     2[nd] Townsman. Dragon at your feet! That'll be the day!

     They buy mirrors.  Everybody groups around  the  mirrors.  The sound of
battle grows even more fierce.

     1[st] Townswoman. This is terrible!
     2[nd] Townswoman. Poor dragon!
     1[st] Townswoman. He is not breathing fire anymore.
     2[nd] Townswoman. He is just blowing smoke.
     1[st] Townsman. Such elaborate maneuvers.
     2[nd]  Townsman.  It  looks  like...  No,  I am  not  saying
anything.
     1[st] Townsman. I don't understand it.
     Heinrich. This  is the communiqué from the town  council. The battle is
drawing close to completion.  The adversary had lost his sword. His spear is
broken. Flying carpet is infested  with moths, who  are destroying the enemy
air power at an  astonishing rate. Having lost communication with his ground
bases,  the  challenger  is not  able to procure mothballs and is  therefore
reduced  to  hunting the  moths by clapping  his hands,  which robs  him  of
necessary  maneuverability. Sir dragon has  not wiped the enemy out only due
to his innate love of war. He has not satisfied his  thirst for heroic feats
yet, nor has he sufficiently admired his own military prowess.
     1[st] Townsman. Now I understand.
     Boy. Look, mommy, look, honestly, someone is kicking his neck.
     1[st] Townsman. He has three necks, boy.
     Boy. You see, you see, now someone is riding his three necks.
     1[st] Townsman. This must be an optical illusion.
     Boy. That's what I'm saying. I have been in fights myself, I  know when
somebody is getting clobbered. Ow! What's that?
     1[st] Townsman. Take the kid away from here.
     2[nd] Townsman.  My eyes, I  don't believe  my own eyes!  Is
there an optometrist in the house?
     1[st] Townsman. It  is  going  to fall  right  here. I can't
stand it! Get away! Let me see it!..

     Dragon's head comes crashing down onto the square.

     Burgomaster. Communiqué! My kingdom for a communiqué!
     Heinrich. This is the communiqué from the town council. Lancelot is now
powerless, he had lost everything and had been partially taken prisoner.
     Boy. How is it - partially?
     Heinrich. Just like that. It's classified.  Other parts of him continue
to offer  uncoordinated resistance. Incidentally, sir dragon had placed  one
of  his  heads  on  waivers  due  to  medical  condition.  It  is  listed as
day-to-day.
     Boy. I still don't get it.
     1[st] Townsman. What's there to get? Ever lost a tooth?
     Boy. Yeah.
     1[st] Townsman. See, and you're still alive.
     Boy. But I never lost a head.
     1[st] Townsman. Same thing!
     Heinrich. Review of the current events. The topic today: why two  is in
fact better than three. Two heads are  attached to two necks.  That gives us
four, right? And attached they are unimpeachably...

     Dragon's second head comes crashing down onto the square.

     We  interrupt this  review  due  to technical difficulties.  Here  is a
communiqué. The  military  campaign  is  proceeding according to  the  plans
developed by sir dragon.
     Boy. That's it?
     Heinrich. That's it for the moment.
     1[st] Townsman. I have lost two thirds of my respect towards
sir dragon. Mr. Charlemagne! My dear friend! Why are you standing over there
all alone?
     2[nd] Townsman. Join us, come join us.
     1[st] Townsman. Is it true the  guards would not let you  to
your own daughter? That's outrageous!
     2[nd] Townsman. Why are you silent?
     1[st] Townsman. You couldn't be angry with us, could you?
     Charlemagne. No, but I am confused. At first you  wouldn't recognize me
quite sincerely. I  know  you.  And  now you  are  happy  to see me  just as
sincerely.
     Gardener.  There,  there,  Mr.  Charlemagne.  Don't   let  yourself  be
concerned with this. It is too  horrible.  It is just horrible how much time
I've wasted running  around  kissing  the paw  of this one-headed monster. I
could have grown so many flowers instead!
     Heinrich. We now return to our review.
     Gardener. Leave me alone! I'm sick of you all!
     Heinrich. So what if  you  are! This  is  wartime.  We all have to make
sacrifices.  Let's begin.  One god,  one sun,  one  moon,  one  head  on our
sovereign's shoulders. To have  only one head - this is so human, so humane,
so humanistic in the best  sense  of the word.  Besides,  this  is extremely
convenient from the military point of  view.  It considerably  contracts the
front line. It is three times easier to defend one head than it is to defend
three of them.

     Dragon's  third  head comes crashing down  onto the  square.  The stage
erupts in shouts. Now everybody is speaking very loudly.

     1[st] Townsman. Down with dragon!
     2[nd] Townsman. We were misled ever since childhood!
     1[st] Townswoman. What a joy! No one to report to!
     2[nd] Townswoman. It's like I'm drunk or something. Honest!
     Boy. Mommy, I guess we're not going to have school tomorrow! Yay!
     Peddler. How about  this toy?  Sir Potatohead! Take a swing  - and he's
out cold!
     Gardener. That is  so funny! What? Dragon  as a root vegetable? Sitting
in the ground! In the garden! All the time! No way out! Yay!
     Everybody. Yay! Down with him! Sir Potatohead! Stick it to them!
     Heinrich. Please listen to the communiqué!
     Everybody. No we won't! We shout as we wish! We bark as we like! Happy,
happy! Get them!
     Burgomaster. Gua-ards!

     Guards run out onto the square.

     (to  Heinrich)  You  may  speak  now.  Start  softly,  then  hit  them.
Atten-tion!

     Everybody quiets down.

     Heinrich. (very softly) We would  like  to humbly ask  you to listen to
our communiqué. There  is really, really-really nothing of any interest that
happened  at  the  front recently. Everything is quite  all right, it's just
fine.  We  are  going to  have just a  teensy weensy martial  law  now.  And
spreading  of teensy weensy rumors (menacingly)  is  going to be punished by
chopping  heads  in lieu of monetary compensation. Understood? Now everybody
go home! Guards, clear the area!

     The square is emptied of people.

     So, how did you like the show?
     Burgomaster. Be quiet, sonny.
     Heinrich. Why are you smiling?
     Burgomaster. Be quiet, sonny.

     Heavy thud that makes the earth shake.

     Dragon's body crashed down behind the mill.
     Dragon's 1[st] head. Boy!
     Heinrich. Why are you wringing your hands, daddy?
     Burgomaster. Ah, sonny! Power just fell into them all by itself!
     Dragon's 2[nd] head.  Burgomaster! Come here!  Give  me some
water! Burgomaster!
     Burgomaster. Everything  is going smashingly,  Heinrich.  The  deceased
have brought them up so that  they  will carry anyone who cares to  take the
reins.
     Heinrich. But on this square, just now...
     Burgomaster.  This is nothing. Every  dog jumps  around like crazy when
let off his chain, but then he runs back into the doghouse all the same.
     Dragon's 3[rd] head. Boy! Come here! I am dying!
     Heinrich. Aren't you afraid of Lancelot, though?
     Burgomaster.  Not really.  You  don't think it  was easy  to  kill  the
dragon, do you? Mr. Lancelot is  most likely lying right now on  the  flying
carpet completely exhausted, blowing in the wind away from the town.
     Heinrich. And if he were to come down...
     Burgomaster. We would handle  him easily. He is exhausted, trust me. If
anything,  our  dearly  departed was good  at fighting. Let's go. We have to
issue the  first orders. The most important thing is to behave as if nothing
happened.
     Dragon's 1[st] head. Boy! Burgomaster!
     Burgomaster. No time, no time, let's go!

     Exit Heinrich and Burgomaster.

     Dragon's 1[st] head. Why, why did I strike him with the rear
left paw? It had to be rear right.
     Dragon's 2[nd] head. Hey,  anybody! You, Miller!  You  would
kiss my  tail every time we met.  Hey, Friedrichsen! You presented me with a
three-stemmed  pipe, engraved "Yours forever".  Anna-Maria-Frederica  Weber,
where  are you now?  You  told  me you  were in love  with  me, and you were
carrying pieces of my talon in a velvet locket around your  neck. We learned
to  understand each other from  ancient times. Where have  all of you  gone?
Give  me some  water. The well is right here, isn't it? One sip! Half a sip!
Just to wet my lips!
     Dragon's 1[st]  head. Let me start this all over!  I'm going
to squash the lot!
     Dragon's 2[nd] head. Just one drop, anybody.
     Dragon's 3[rd]  head. I should  have cut  out at  least  one
faithful soul. But the material wasn't exactly lending itself for it.
     Dragon's  2[nd] head.  Quiet! I  can  feel someone alive  is
near. Come here! Bring me some water.
     Voice of Lancelot. I can't.

     Lancelot appears on the square.  He is standing upon the flying carpet,
leaning onto  a twisted  sword. He is holding  the  invisibility  hat in his
hands. The musical instrument is at his feet.

     Dragon's  1[st] head.  You  won  by accident! If only I  had
struck with my rear right...
     Dragon's 2[nd] head. Farewell, then.
     Dragon's 3[rd] head. I am  content  in that I am  leaving to
you hollow souls, worn out souls, dead souls... Farewell, then.
     Dragon's 2[nd]  hand. There is only one  man standing beside
me, the one who killed me. So this is how the life ends!
     All three heads. The life ends. Farewell!
     Lancelot. They are dead now, but I don't feel too good myself. My hands
feel like someone  else's. The  vision is blurry. And I keep hearing someone
calling me  by  name: "Lancelot, Lancelot". A familiar  voice.  A depressing
voice. I don't want  to answer it. But it looks like I'll have to this time.
What do you think - am I dying?

     Musical instrument responds.

     To listen to you, it all sounds so noble and dignified. But I feel very
ill. I am mortally wounded.  But wait, wait  just a  minute... The dragon is
dead, so I can breathe easier. Elsa! I have defeated him! But it's true that
I will never see you again, Elsa. You  won't smile at me, or kiss me, or ask
me: "Lancelot, what's wrong? Why are you so sad? Why does your  head hurt so
much?  Why  do your shoulders  ache?  Who  is it  calling  you constantly  -
Lancelot, Lancelot?" This is  death calling me,  Elsa.  I am dying.  This is
sad, isn't  it? This is not fair. They  all hid away.  As  if the victory is
some kind of misfortune. Listen, death, hold on a moment! You know me, don't
you? I  looked into  your  eyes many times and  I never ran  away.  I am not
running  this time, either. I  can hear you. Just let me think a little.  So
they all  hid  away.  All right. But in  their houses, they are slowly, very
slowly  recovering  now. Their souls  are  straightening out. Why, they  are
whispering, why were we providing and tending to that monster? It is because
of us that a man is dying right now in the square all alone. We are going to
be brighter from  now on, we are. See  what  fight has broken out in the sky
because of us. See how  difficult it is  to breathe  for poor  Lancelot. No,
that's enough, quite enough! The kindest, the  strongest, the most impatient
people were  perishing  -  because of our weakness. Even rocks would smarten
up. And  we're people after all, not rocks. This is what they are whispering
now in every house, in every room. Do you hear?

     Musical instrument responds.

     Yes, yes,  exactly.  And this  means I am not dying in vain.  Farewell,
Elsa. I knew I would love you for the rest of my life... I just did not want
to believe  that life was going  to  be  over  so  soon. Farewell, the town;
farewell, morning, afternoon. It  is night already. Hey, you! The  death  is
calling for me, hurrying me... I  can't collect my thoughts... Listen,  you!
Don't be afraid. It is  possible not to hurt widows and orphans. It  is also
possible to feel for others. Don't be afraid! Just feel for each other. Feel
for  others  -  and you  will be happy! And this is the honest  truth,  pure
truth, the purest truth in the world. That's all. I have to go. Farewell.

     Musical instrument responds.

     Curtain.

     Act 3.

     An  opulently  furnished room  in Burgomaster's  palace. In  the  back,
tables on both sides of the door are set for dinner. In the  center in front
of  them there  is a small table  on which a heavy book with golden bindings
lies. The  orchestra  is  playing  as the  curtain  is  raised. A  group  of
townspeople is shouting while looking at the door.

     Townspeople.  (softly) And  one,  two,  three.  (loudly)  Glory to  the
conqueror  of dragon! (softly) And  one, two,  three. (loudly) Glory  to our
ruler! (softly) And one, two, three. (loudly) It is  mind-boggling how happy
we  are!  (softly)  And  one,  two,  three.  (loudly)   We  hear  his  steps
approaching!

     Enter Heinrich.

     (loudly, in unison) Hip, hip, hooray!
     1[st]  Townsman. O  glorious liberator! Exactly one year  to
date the abominable,  antipathetic, inconsiderate, disgusting son of a bitch
the dragon was destroyed by you.
     Townspeople. Hip, hip, hooray!
     1[st]  Townsman. We  have been living extremely  well since.
We...
     Heinrich. Wait, wait, just a  moment, my man. Why  don't you  emphasize
"extremely".
     1[st] Townsman. Aye, sir. We have been living extre-e-e-mely
well.
     Heinrich. No, my man, no. That's not right.  Please do not  sit on  the
"e". You get some kind of ambiguous whine this way: "e-e-mly". Try to hit on
the "r".
     1[st]  Townsman. We have  been  living extrrremely well ever
since.
     Heinrich. You got it! I wholeheartedly approve of this version. You all
know the kind of person  the conqueror of the dragon is. He's a  simple man,
bordering on naivete. He likes sincerity, intimacy. Continue.
     1[st] Townsman.  We just don't  know  where to put ourselves
from happiness.
     Heinrich.  Excellent! Hold  on.  We  have  to stick  something  here...
something, you  know... humane. Virtuous. The conqueror  of the dragon likes
that. (flicking his fingers) Wait, wait a moment! It's coming to  me! There!
Found it! Even  little birdies are twittering with  delight! Evil  is gone -
good is here! Chirp, chirp, hooray! Let's go over that one more time.
     1[st]  Townsman.  Even little  birdies  are  twittering with
delight. Evil is gone - good is here, chirp, chirp, hooray!
     Heinrich. That was some dismal piece of  chirping, my man. You just see
that you don't get chirped yourself for that.
     1[st] Townsman. (joyfully) Chirp, chirp, hooray!
     Heinrich. That's better. All right, then. Have we been over other parts
yet?
     Townspeople. Aye, Mr. Burgomaster, sir.
     Heinrich. OK.  Soon the  conqueror of the  dragon, the president of the
free city is going to come out to you. Remember - you have to talk in unison
but at the same time sincerely, compassionately, democratically. The  dragon
was stuck on formalities, whereas we...
     Sentry.  (from  the  center door) Atten-tion!  Eyes  to the  door!  His
excellency  sir president of the free city is walking down the corridor! (in
a low  wooden voice)  You sweet  thing! You  guardian angel, you! Killed the
dragon! Who woulda thunk it!

     Enter Burgomaster.

     Heinrich.  Your excellency sir president of the free city! No accidents
reported during  my watch, sir! Present:  ten townsmen. Wildly happy: all of
them. Taken to the precinct...
     Burgomaster. As you were, as you were. Good afternoon, Mr. Burgomaster.
(shakes Heinrich's hand) O! What's this, Burgomaster?
     Heinrich. Your compatriots remember that exactly one year ago today you
have defeated the dragon. Just arrived here to congratulate you.
     Burgomaster. You don't say! What a pleasant surprise! All right, let it
rip.
     Townspeople.  (softly)  And one, two,  three.  (loudly)  Glory  to  the
conqueror  of dragon! (softly) And one,  two,  three. (loudly)  Glory to our
ruler...

     Enter Warden.

     Burgomaster. Hold on, hold on! Hello, warden.
     Warden. Good afternoon, your excellency.
     Burgomaster. Thank you,  my dear men.  I already  know  everything  you
wanted to tell me. Darn! A wayward  tear. (wipes the tear off) But  you see,
we've got a wedding coming up in the house, and I still have some unfinished
business to attend to. Why don't  you go now,  and then come to the wedding.
We'll have a ball. The nightmare is over, and we can enjoy life now. Right?
     Townspeople. Hip! Hip! Hooray.
     Burgomaster. My point exactly.  The slavery is  but a myth, and we have
been reborn. Remember how I was under the  damned dragon? I was sick.  I was
crazy. And now look at me - fit  as a fiddle! To say nothing about  you all.
You are always  jolly  and happy,  my little birdies. Just flutter along. On
the double! Heinrich, see them off!

     Exit Heinrich and townspeople.

     Burgomaster. So, how's it going in your prison?
     Warden. Everybody's still sitting.
     Burgomaster. How about my former assistant?
     Warden. Suffering.
     Burgomaster. Ha-ha! You're just saying that.
     Warden. Suffering, cross my heart.
     Burgomaster. No, really, how badly?
     Warden. Throwing himself at the walls.
     Burgomaster. Ha-ha!  Take that!  Such  nasty  personality.  You'd start
telling a joke, everybody  is laughing, and he's showing the beard  instead.
Meaning: that's a joke so old it's already grown  a beard. Why don't you sit
in jail for a while. Did you show him my state portrait?
     Warden. Sure did!
     Burgomaster. Which one? The one where I am smiling pleasantly?
     Warden. That same.
     Burgomaster. And he was...
     Warden. Crying.
     Burgomaster. Stop it!
     Warden. Crying, cross my heart.
     Burgomaster.  Ha-ha! Soothing. What  about  those weavers that supplied
the flying carpet to that... guy?
     Warden. I've had it with those two. They sit in different  blocks,  but
they still hold together as one. Whatever one says, the other does too.
     Burgomaster. But they got skinnier, I hope?
     Warden. On my watch you just try not to!
     Burgomaster. What about the blacksmith?
     Warden. He sawed  through the bars again. We had to  fit his cell  with
ones made from diamonds.
     Burgomaster. Excellent, excellent, never mind the expenses. How is he?
     Warden. Stumped.
     Burgomaster. Ha-ha! Gratifying.
     Warden. Hatter fashioned  hats for mice so that cats  don't bother them
anymore.
     Burgomaster. How come?
     Warden.  They  just sit and  gawk at them. And  that  musician keeps on
singing,  spreading  gloom  around. I have to put on ear  plugs every time I
need to go there.
     Burgomaster. All right. What's the mood around town?
     Warden. Quiet. But they are still writing.
     Burgomaster. Writing what?
     Warden. Letter "L" on the walls. That means Lancelot.
     Burgomaster. Nonsense! "L" means - "Love the president".
     Warden. I see. So, we don't detain those who are writing?
     Burgomaster. Are you kidding? Of course we do. What else do they write?
     Warden. Embarrassing to say. The president is scum. His son is a crook.
The  president...  (giggles)  Can't  really repeat  the expression, sir. But
mostly they write the "L".
     Burgomaster.  Morons. What do  they want with that Lancelot anyway? Any
news about him, while we're on the subject?
     Warden. Not a word.
     Burgomaster. Did you interrogate the birds?
     Warden. Uh-huh.
     Burgomaster. All of them?
     Warden. Uh-huh.  See this mark? That's eagle's present. Got me right in
the ear.
     Burgomaster. And what are they saying?
     Warden.  They say  they  didn't see Lancelot. Only  the parrot  agrees.
You're like:  "Have you seen  him?"  And he's like: "Seen him". You're like:
"You saw Lancelot?"  And he's like: "Saw Lancelot." Well, you know what kind
of bird the parrot is.
     Burgomaster. What about the snakes?
     Warden.  Those would  have slithered  in  themselves  if  they  smelled
anything. They're on  our  side. And relatives  to the deceased to boot. But
they don't.
     Burgomaster. The fish?
     Warden. Not a peep.
     Burgomaster. Maybe they know something?
     Warden.  Nope. We  had  our scientists  look into their  eyes, and they
confirm - those guys know nothing.  In  short  Lancelot,  also known as  St.
George, also known as Perseus, named differently in each country, has yet to
be located.
     Burgomaster. Screw him, then.

     Enter Heinrich.

     Heinrich. The father of the  happy  bride,  Mr. Archivist  Charlemagne,
have arrived.
     Burgomaster. A-ha! Just the man I wanted. Show him in.

     Enter Charlemagne.

     You may go, warden. Carry on. I am satisfied with your performance.
     Warden. We're doing our best.
     Burgomaster. Keep doing it. Charlemagne, you two know each other?
     Charlemagne. Very little, sir president.
     Burgomaster. Well, well. That's OK. You still might get a chance to get
acquainted more closely.
     Warden. Take him?
     Burgomaster. Come on, why is it always  "take him" with you? Go on,  go
on for now. Good bye.

     Exit Warden.

     So, Charlemagne,  you already figured out, of course, why you have been
brought here? All kinds  of  state business, personal worries,  this an that
had  prevented me from dropping by in  person.  But  you  and Elsa must have
noticed from the  posters all over  the town that  today  is the day  of her
wedding.
     Charlemagne. Yes, sir president, we know.
     Burgomaster. We  high-ranking officials don't have time for popping the
question with all those flowers, sighs and stuff. We  do  not offer; we just
order  -  nothing wrong  with that.  Ha-ha!  Very  convenient. Elsa's happy,
right?
     Charlemagne. No.
     Burgomaster. Nonsense. Of course she is. And you?
     Charlemagne. I am desperate, sir president.
     Burgomaster. Such ingratitude! I have defeated the dragon...
     Charlemagne. I beg your pardon, sir president, but I cannot make myself
believe in that.
     Burgomaster. Yes you can!
     Charlemagne. Honestly, I can't.
     Burgomaster. Of course you can. Even I believe it, and so can you.
     Charlemagne. No.
     Heinrich. He just doesn't want to.
     Burgomaster. But why?
     Heinrich. Trying to jack up the price.
     Burgomaster.  All right.  I am  offering you  the position of my  first
deputy.
     Charlemagne. I don't want to.
     Burgomaster. Nonsense. You do.
     Charlemagne. No.
     Burgomaster.  Quit stalling,  we don't have  time.  Public housing, the
apartment  is next to  the park, near the  market, hundred and  fifty  three
bedrooms,  all windows  look to the south.  A fantastic salary. In addition,
every  time you go  to work, you get relocation  expenses, and  when you  go
home, you receive a paid leave. Go to a party -  we pay you daily allowance;
stay  home - there's  rent compensation.  You will be almost as wealthy as I
am. Done. You agreed.
     Charlemagne. No.
     Burgomaster. What is it you want?
     Charlemagne. We just want one thing - for you to leave us alone.
     Burgomaster. Leave you alone! That's rich! What if I've already made up
my  mind! Besides, this is just  very  solid statesmanship. The conqueror of
the dragon marries the girl he has saved. It is so convincing. Why don't you
understand?
     Charlemagne.  Why  are  you  tormenting  us?  I have learned  to  think
independently,  sir president. This is  torture in  itself. And now  there's
this wedding. You can just lose you mind.
     Burgomaster.  No, you can't, you can't. All those psychiatric illnesses
are really overblown. Poppycock.
     Charlemagne. Oh dear! How powerless we all are! That  our  town is just
as quiet and obedient as before - it is so frightening!
     Burgomaster.   What  the  hell  are  you  talking  about?  Why   is  it
frightening? What are you trying to pull here with your daughter - a mutiny?
     Charlemagne.  No.  We had  a walk in the  woods today, and we discussed
everything so nicely, so  precisely. Tomorrow, as  soon as she's  gone, I'll
die too.
     Burgomaster. What do you mean - gone? This is absurd!
     Charlemagne. Do you really think she'll live through this wedding?
     Burgomaster. Of course. It is going  to  be  a nice,  merry party.  Any
other man would be glad to marry his daughter off into such wealth.
     Heinrich. He is glad.
     Charlemagne. No. I am an elderly, polite man, it is hard for me to just
say this to your face. But I will anyway. This wedding is a tragedy for us.
     Heinrich. What a tiresome mode of bargaining.
     Burgomaster. Listen, you! You  are not getting more. You  are obviously
after a  share  in  our  enterprise,  aren't  you? Well,  you can't have it!
Everything that  dragon  was  brazenly  appropriating  is now  in  the  best
possible hands. That is, mine. And partially Heinrich's. This is  absolutely
legit. You won't get a penny of it!
     Charlemagne. Can I be excused now, sir president?
     Burgomaster.  You  certainly  can.  Remember this, though. One:  at the
wedding you are going to be merry, jovial and witty, if you  please. Two: no
deaths! Try to make an effort  here  and live for as long as I require. This
goes  for your daughter as  well. Three:  you are  to address  me  as  "your
excellency"  from now on. See this list? Fifty names. All your best friends.
If you so much  as think about rebelling, all fifty will disappear without a
trace. Get  out. No, wait. There is going to be a  carriage sent  after you.
You will bring  your daughter here, and not a squeak out of you! Understood?
Now go!

     Exit Charlemagne.

     That went smoothly.
     Heinrich. What did the warden report?
     Burgomaster. Not a cloud in the sky.
     Heinrich. And the letter "L"?
     Burgomaster. They wrote those, and other letters on the walls under the
dragon, too. Let them write. This seems to calm them  down, and it does  not
exactly break our bones. Can you look if this chair is occupied?
     Heinrich. Daddy, please! (Feels the chair over with his hands.) There's
no one there. Have a seat.
     Burgomaster. Don't smile. He can  sneak  anywhere in  that invisibility
hat of his.
     Heinrich. You don't know  this man, daddy. He is filled with prejudices
up to  his ears. Just out of  chivalrous gallantry, he  is going to take off
his hat before entering - and the guards will be all over him.
     Burgomaster. His disposition might have soured in the past  year. (Sits
down.)  Well,  sonny  boy, my  little  muffin,  let's talk  about our little
business. You owe me money, my precious!
     Heinrich. How do you figure, daddy?
     Burgomaster.  You  have bought  off three  of my  servants so that they
would spy after me, read my papers and so on. Correct?
     Heinrich. What are you saying, daddy!
     Burgomaster. Hold on, sonny, don't  interrupt. I  have raised them five
hundred dollars so that they would only pass on to you things that I approve
myself. Therefore, you owe me five hundred, you rascal.
     Heinrich. Not  really,  dad. I've learned  about that and added another
six hundred.
     Burgomaster. And after I figured  that  out, I  added  a  thousand! And
please don't  give  them any  more, dear.  With those wages  they grew  fat,
sloppy and lecherous.  Next thing  you know, they're going to bite the hands
that  feed  them. Right.  Also,  we  need  to  straighten  out  my  personal
secretary. I had to ship him off to the psychiatric ward.
     Heinrich. You don't say! Why?
     Burgomaster.  We would bid and outbid  each other on  him so many times
each day that he can no longer remember who his boss is. Now he  snitches on
me to  myself.  Plotting  against  himself to grab his own position.  He's a
decent, hard-working guy; it  pains me  to watch him suffer like that. Let's
both of us  visit him tomorrow at the clinic  and establish once and for all
who he is working for. My little sonny boy! My sweetie! We want to get  into
our daddy's chair, aren't we?
     Heinrich. Oh daddy, stop it!
     Burgomaster. That's OK, pumpkin, that's OK. We're  family.  Listen, you
know what I'm thinking? Why  don't  we just  spy on each other  openly, like
relatives should, like father and son, without all those outsiders. Think of
the money we'd save!
     Heinrich. What's a little money, daddy.
     Burgomaster. Right you are. Can't take it with you when you die...

     Sound of hooves and bells clinking.

     (dashes to the window) She's here! Our beauty  is here!  Just  look  at
that carriage! Exquisite!  Decorated  with dragon  skin! And  Elsa  herself!
Miracle of miracles.  Velvet all  over. There's something to  be said  about
power... (whispers) Interrogate her!
     Heinrich. Who?
     Burgomaster.  Elsa!  She's been so quiet  lately. Could she  know where
that...  (looks around) Lancelot might be?  Find it  out carefully. And I am
going to listen from behind this curtain.

     Enter Elsa and Charlemagne.

     Heinrich.  Greetings to you,  Elsa. You are getting more beautiful with
each passing  day, which is very nice  of you. The president is changing. He
asked  me to express his apologies. Have a seat in this chair,  Elsa. (Makes
her sit in the  chair  standing with its back to  the curtain  behind  which
Burgomaster is hiding). And you, Charlemagne, please wait in the hall.

     Exit Charlemagne, bowing.

     Elsa, I am glad president is putting on his ceremonial jewelry.  I have
long wanted to talk to you one on one, like friends, with an open heart. Why
are you  so silent?  You don't want to answer? I am  attached to you after a
fashion, you know. Talk to me.
     Elsa. About what?
     Heinrich. Whatever you want.
     Elsa. I don't know... I don't want anything.
     Heinrich.  How  can  this  be? Today is your  wedding, after all... Ah,
Elsa... Once more I have to  concede you. But the conqueror of the dragon is
the conqueror.  I am a cynic, a mockingbird, but even I bow before  him. Are
you listening?
     Elsa. No.
     Heinrich. Elsa...  Did  I become a  total stranger to you? We were such
good friends when  we were kids. Remember when  you  had measles and I would
hang out outside your window  until  I  went down  with it too? And then you
would visit  me and  cry because you  felt  sorry for me being so quiet  and
meek? Remember?
     Elsa. Yes.
     Heinrich. Are  those children dead  now? Isn't  there anything left  of
them in you and me? Let's talk like the old times, like brother and sister.
     Elsa. All right, let's talk.

     Burgomaster  peeks  from  behind  the  curtain  and  applauds  Heinrich
silently.

     You want to know why I am silent all the time?

     Burgomaster nods his head.

     I am afraid.
     Heinrich. Of whom?
     Elsa. Of people.
     Heinrich. Is that all? Just name the specific people you are afraid of.
We will throw them in jail, and you will feel all better.

     Burgomaster takes out his notebook.

     Give me the names.
     Elsa. No, Heinrich, it won't help.
     Heinrich. It will, I assure you. Tried it myself. Quick improvements in
sleep, appetite and attitude.
     Elsa. You see... I don't know how to explain this to you... I am afraid
of all people.
     Heinrich. Ah, so that's what  it is... I understand. I understand  only
too well. Everybody, myself included, seem cruel to you. Right?  You may not
believe this, but... I am afraid of them too. I am afraid of my father.

     Burgomaster throws up his hands, perplexed.
     
     I am afraid of  those  loyal servants of ours.  And I  make myself look
cruel so  that they would be afraid of me. We're all tangled in  the  web we
weave. Talk to me, tell me more, I am listening.

     Burgomaster is nodding understandingly.

     Elsa.  What  more  can  I  tell  you...  At  first  I was  angry,  then
despondent, and they I just stopped caring about everything. I am so passive
now, like I've never been before. They can do whatever they want with me.

     Burgomaster  giggles  loudly;  then, alarmed,  hides  deeper behind the
curtain. Elsa looks around.

     What was that?
     Heinrich.  Never mind that. They are preparing for  the feast there. My
poor, my dear little sister. Such a pity that Lancelot is gone, disappeared.
Only now I am beginning to understand him. That was an extraordinary man. We
all are beholden to him. Isn't there any hope he will be back, any at all?

     Burgomaster peeks from behind the curtain again. He is all ears.

     Elsa. He... He will not be back.
     Heinrich. Don't say that. For some reason I feel we  are still going to
see him yet.
     Elsa. No.
     Heinrich. Believe me!
     Elsa. It is very nice  of you to say that,  but...  Are you sure no one
can hear us?

     Burgomaster dives down behind the chair's back.
     
     Heinrich. Of course they can't, my dear. Today  is public  holiday. All
spies have the day off.
     Elsa. You see... I know what happened to Lancelot.
     Heinrich. You don't have to say it if this is painful for you.

     Burgomaster shakes his fist at him.

     Elsa. I have been silent for so long that now I simply have to tell you
everything. I  thought that  nobody but  me would understand how sad  it is,
such is the town I  have been born in. But you have been listening to me  so
carefully today... So... Exactly one year ago, when the battle was over, Cat
ran to the town square. And this is what he saw: Lancelot, white as a ghost,
was  standing  beside the  dragon's  heads. He was leaning on his  sword and
smiling so as  not to worry the Cat. Cat ran off to me, to call for my help.
But guards were watching me so  vigilantly, not even a mouse could sneak in.
They chased the Cat away.
     Heinrich. Rude, inconsiderate soldiers!
     Elsa. Then he called his friend the Mule. After settling the wounded on
Mule's back, he led them through back streets and out of our town.
     Heinrich. But why?
     Elsa. Ah,  Lancelot was so weak  that people could have killed him. And
so they started off along the trail to  the mountains.  The Cat was  sitting
near the wounded and listening if his heart was still beating.
     Heinrich. It was, I hope?
     Elsa. Yes, but weaker and weaker. And then  the Cat cried out: "Halt!".
And  the  Mule stopped. It was already late night. They have ventured far up
the mountain,  high up, and everything was so  quiet around them,  so  cold.
"Turn  back  towards home!",  the Cat  said. "People cannot hurt him anymore
now. We have to let Elsa say goodbye to him, and then we will bury him."
     Heinrich. He died, poor thing!
     Elsa.  He died, Heinrich. But the stubborn  Mule  said: I  do  not turn
back. And he kept going. And Cat returned - he is so  fond of our house, you
know. He returned, told me all that, and now I  am not waiting for anything.
It is all over.
     Burgomaster. Hooray! It  is all over! (dances, dashes around the  room)
All over! I am the unlimited ruler over everybody! I don't have to be afraid
of anyone ever! Thank you, o  thank you, Elsa! This is truly a  celebration!
Who would dare say now that it was not I who killed the dragon? Well, who?
     Elsa. He had been listening?
     Heinrich. Of course.
     Elsa. And you knew all along?
     Heinrich.  Don't pretend to  be  this naïve little  girl, Elsa. You are
getting married today, after all.
     Elsa. Daddy! Daddy!

     Charlemagne runs in.
     
     Charlemagne. What's wrong, sweetie? (Tries to embrace her.)
     Burgomaster. Attention, you! Stand to attention in front of my bride!
     Charlemagne. (snapping  to attention) There, there... Please don't cry.
What can we do? There is nothing we can do. What is there to do?

     Music starts playing.

     Burgomaster. (running  up  to  the  window)  How lovely! How cozy!  The
guests have arrived for the wedding. Horses festooned  with ribbons!  Little
lanterns on the yokes! How beautiful it is to live and know that no idiot is
going to spoil it for you! Give us a smile, Elsa. At the appropriate moment,
right on the clock,  the president of the free city himself is going to lock
you in his embrace.

     Doors swing open widely.

     Welcome, welcome, dear guests.

     Enter Guests, passing  by  Elsa  and  Burgomaster  in pairs. They speak
ceremoniously, almost whispering.

     1[st] Townsman.  Congratulations  to  the  bride and  groom.
Everybody is so happy.
     2[nd] Townsman. All buildings are decorated with lights.
     1[st] Townsman. It is bright as day outside.
     2[nd] Townsman. Liquor stores are full of people.
     Boy. They are all drinking and swearing.
     Everyone. Shhh!
     Gardener. Please let me present you with these  bluebells. They chime a
little sadly, I  admit, but that's OK. By  morning they are going  to wither
and quiet down.
     Elsa's  1[st] girlfriend. Elsa, darling, please try and look
happy. Otherwise  I am going to  cry  and ruin my lashes.  They  came out so
nicely today.
     Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. He is better than the dragon, isn't
he? He  has arms and legs, and no scales. He is human after all, even though
he's the president. You must tell us everything tomorrow.  It is going to be
ever so exciting!
     Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend. You will be able to do so much good
for the  people  now! See, for  example  you can ask your  groom to  have my
daddy's  boss fired. Then  daddy  will take over  his position,  double  the
salary, and we will be so very happy!
     Burgomaster.  (counting  guests  under  his  breath)  One,  two, three,
four... (counting place settings) One, two, three... Right... Looks like one
extra guest... Oh, it's the boy. There, there, don't  cry. You'll share  the
plate with  your mom.  Everyone's  here. To the table, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll get over with the  marriage ceremony quickly and modestly, and then we
will  commence the wedding feast. I have  procured fish bred  especially for
being  eaten. It laughs with delight when boiled, and alerts the chef itself
when it's  done.  Here's turkey  stuffed with her  own chicks. So  cozy,  so
home-style.  Here are  suckling  pigs, not  only  raised  but  also  trained
specifically for our table. They can sit up, beg and give you their trotters
even though they're roasted. Don't scream,  little boy, it's not scary, it's
comical. Here are wines so old they went a bit batty and are jumping  around
like little children inside their bottles. And  this is brandy so clear that
the flask looks  empty. Wait a  minute, it is  empty. Those shyster servants
must have cleared it. But that's OK, we have many more flasks in the cellar.
What a delight it is to be wealthy, gentlemen! Everybody seated? Great. Hold
on, hold on, don't start  eating yet, we're going to be  wed presently. Just
one moment! Elsa! Give me your paw!

     Elsa gives Burgomaster her hand

     You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile.
Is everything ready, Heinrich?
     Heinrich. Aye, Mr. President, sir.
     Burgomaster. Do it.
     Heinrich. I  am  a  poor public speaker,  gentlemen, so I apologize  in
advance if this sounds a bit muddled to you.  One year ago  a self-important
interloper  challenged the  despicable  dragon  to a  fight.  A  blue-ribbon
commission  set  up  by  the  town  council  have  managed  to establish the
following: the  deceased braggart  only  infuriated the  deceased monster by
inflicting a superficial wound. It was then that our former burgomaster, now
president of the free city,  flung  himself onto the dragon  and killed him,
this time conclusively, while demonstrating assorted feats of courage.

     Applause.

     The noxious weed of vile slavery was excised exhaustively from the soil
of our collective civic consciousness.

     Applause.

     The grateful  city had therefore established: if we  were ready to give
up our  best daughters to  the abominable  monster, how can we deny the same
simple and natural right to our esteemed redeemer!

     Applause.

     Hence,  to signify  the magnificence of the president on  one hand, and
loyalty  and  allegiance of  the town,  on the  other hand, I as burgomaster
shall now perform the marriage rites. Organist! The wedding march!

     Organ plays.

     Scribes! Open the Book of Happiness!

     Enter Scribes with gigantic fountain pens in their hands.

     For four  hundred  years  we  were inscribing  the  names of poor girls
doomed to the dragon in this  book. Four hundred pages have been filled. And
now for the first time  on the four hundred and first  page we are  going to
inscribe the name of the lucky soul to be united in matrimony with the  hero
who destroyed the dragon.

     Applause.

     Groom, answer me  in good conscience. Do you agree take this girl to be
your wedded wife?
     Burgomaster. For the benefit of my town I am willing to do anything.

     Applause.

     Heinrich. Scribes, write  that  down! Careful, you! Any  blots  you are
going  to be wiping  with your tongues! Right. Well, that's that. Oh, pardon
me! One empty formality left.  Bride! You do, of  course, agree to take  the
president of the free city to be your husband.

     Pause.

     Talk to me, girl - do you?
     Elsa. No.
     Heinrich. Splendid. Scribes, you may write that she agreed.
     Elsa. Don't you dare write that!

     Scribes recoil.

     Heinrich. Elsa, please do not hinder the proceedings.
     Burgomaster. But she is not hindering at all, my dear. When a girl says
"no", it always means "yes". Scribes, write!
     Elsa. No! I will tear this page out and stomp it into the ground!
     Burgomaster. Beautiful maiden indecision, tears, fears,  this and that.
Every girl cries  in her  own  way before  the wedding, but usually is quite
satisfied afterwards. We are going to gently hold her hands now and  do what
we need to do. Scribes...
     Elsa. At least allow me my last word! Please!
     Heinrich. Elsa!
     Burgomaster. Don't get excited, sonny.  Everything is in perfect order.
The bride is asking to  speak. Let's have her speak,  and  we'll wrap up the
official segment at  that. That's  all  right, let  her, we're all  sensible
people here.
     Elsa. Friends, my dear friends! Why are  you killing me? This is like a
nightmare. When a villain is holding his knife to your throat, you still can
escape. Somebody could kill him, or you'd  be  able to break free... What if
the villain's knife suddenly lunges at you by  itself? And his rope slithers
towards you like a  snake to tie you up? If even the drapes on  his  window,
quiet little drapes  jump at you as well, to muffle your screams? What would
you say  then? I thought you were only instruments to  the dragon, like  the
knife is to the villain. But you,  my friends, you turned out to be villains
in your own right! I am not accusing you, you may not recognize it yourself,
but I  am begging  you - come  to your senses! Could it  be that the  dragon
hasn't died but turned into a human instead, as he often did? But this  time
he turned into  many people at once, and now they are killing me. Don't kill
me! Oh  my god, what  agony... Break free of the web you all got tangled in.
Would no one stand up for me?
     Boy. I would, but my mom is holding my hands.
     Burgomaster. That's it, then. The bride has concluded her address. Life
goes on, as if nothing had happened.
     Boy. Mommy!
     Burgomaster.  Be  quiet,  pumpkin.  Let's be merry  as if  nothing  had
happened.  Enough of  this  bureaucracy, Heinrich. Just write somewhere "The
marriage is hereby declared to be valid", and let's eat. I'm starving.
     Heinrich.  Scribes, write:  "The marriage is  declared  valid".  On the
double! What's the matter?

     Scribes  take  to  their  pens. There is a loud  knocking at the  door.
Scribes recoil again.

     Burgomaster. Who's there?

     Silence.

     Hey,  you! Whoever you  are -  tomorrow, tomorrow, during the  business
hours, register with  my secretary. I don't have time! I  am getting married
here!

     Knocking again.

     Don't open the doors! Scribes, write!

     Door swings open by itself. There is no one behind it.

     Heinrich, come here at once! What does this mean?
     Heinrich. Ah, daddy, it's the usual stuff. The innocent lamentations of
our  maiden  have  disturbed  all  those  simple-minded dwellers of  rivers,
forests and ponds. The house  spirit came down from the attic, water sprites
climbed out of the well... Let them. There's nothing they can do to us. They
are just as invisible and powerless as the so called conscience. Worst case,
we'd have a couple of bad dreams, and that's it.
     Burgomaster. No, it's him!
     Heinrich. Who?
     Burgomaster. Lancelot. He's got his invisibility hat on. He is standing
nearby. He is listening  to everything we say. And his sword is hanging over
my head.
     Heinrich. My  beloved  father! If you don't come to, this instant, I am
assuming the authority myself.
     Burgomaster. Music! Let the music play! Dear guests!  Please accept our
apologies  for  this  inadvertent delay, but  it's just that  I am afraid of
drafts. A draft  has opened the door, that's all.  Elsa,  please calm  down,
honey!  I pronounce the marriage  ceremony completed  subject to  subsequent
confirmation. What's that? Who goes there?

     A frightened Servant runs in.

     Servant. Take it back! Take it all back!
     Burgomaster. Take what back?
     Servant. Take back your dirty money! I don't serve you anymore!
     Burgomaster. Why?
     Servant. He's going to kill me for my treachery!
     Burgomaster. Who is going to kill him? Huh? Heinrich?

     Second Servant runs in.

     2[nd]  Servant. He is walking down the corridor! I bowed  to
him, but he did not even  look  at me! He does not  look  at people anymore.
He's going to get us! We're so in trouble!
     Burgomaster. Heinrich!
     Heinrich. Keep a straight face. No matter what.  Only this can  save us
now.

     Enter the third Servant, moving backwards. He is yelling into space.

     3[rd] Servant. I will prove it  to you! My wife can confirm!
I  have  always  condemned their actions!  I  only  took their  money due to
altered mental state! I'll bring an affidavit!
     Burgomaster. Look!
     Heinrich. Straight face! For heaven's sake, straight face!

     Enter Lancelot.

     Burgomaster.  Ah,  hello,  that's  an  unexpected  visit.  But  welcome
nonetheless. We  don't have enough places set at the table... but no matter.
You can eat  from the soup plate, and I'll  take  the smaller  one.  I would
order another setting,  but the servants  had run off,  silly things.  We're
just having a little wedding here, you see, tee-hee, little family business,
as  they  say,  personal  stuff... Allow  me  to introduce... Where are  the
guests?  Oh, I guess they all dropped something and are looking for it under
that table. This is my son, Heinrich. I gather  you've met before. So young,
and  already  the  burgomaster. His career  really took off since I... since
we... since the dragon was defeated. What's the matter? Please come in.
     Heinrich. Why are you so silent?
     Burgomaster. Why are you indeed? How was your trip? What's news?  Would
you like to freshen up? The guards can escort you.
     Lancelot. Good evening, Elsa!
     Elsa. Lancelot! (runs to  him). Sit, please sit down. Come  in. Is this
really you?
     Lancelot. Yes, Elsa.
     Elsa. Your  hands are warm. And your hair grew a little longer since we
last saw each other. Or does it only look  that way? And your cloak is still
the same. Lancelot! (makes him sit at  the little table in the middle). Have
some wine. No, no, don't take anything from them. You just rest a while, and
we'll go. Daddy! He has come, daddy!  Just like  that  night!  Just  when we
thought  again that  there was  only one  thing left to do  -  die  quietly.
Lancelot!
     Lancelot. Do you still love me, then?
     Elsa. Did  you hear, daddy? We  have dreamt  about this so many  times,
that he would come in and ask me: do you still love me? And I would  answer:
yes, Lancelot! And then I'd ask: Where have you been for so long?
     Lancelot. Far, far away, in the Black mountains.
     Elsa. Were you ill?
     Lancelot. Yes, Elsa. Being mortally wounded is a very dangerous affair.
     Elsa. Who looked after you?
     Lancelot.  One woodsman's wife.  Nice, kind woman. But she would always
get upset when I called her Elsa in my sleep.
     Elsa. You missed me, then?
     Lancelot. I have missed you.
     Elsa. And I was so desperate here! They were torturing me.
     Burgomaster. Who?  Impossible! Why didn't you report it to us? We would
have taken measures!
     Lancelot. I know everything, Elsa.
     Elsa. You do?
     Lancelot. Yes.
     Elsa. How?
     Lancelot. In the  Black mountains,  not  far from the woodsman's shack,
there is  an enormous  cave. There's a book lying in  this cave, the Book of
Sorrows,  filled  almost to the end. Nobody touches it,  but page after page
gets added to the ones written before, added every day. Who writes them, you
ask? The world!  Written, written are all the crimes, all  the  suffering of
innocents.

     Burgomaster and Heinrich are heading towards the door on their tiptoes.

     Elsa. And you've read about us there?
     Lancelot. Yes. Hey, you! Murderers! Stay where you are!
     Burgomaster. Now, now. Why so rude all of a sudden?
     Lancelot. Because I am not the man I was a year ago. I have  freed you,
and what have you done with your freedom?
     Burgomaster. Oh, for Pete's sake! If you  are  so dissatisfied with  my
performance, I will be happy to resign.
     Lancelot. Not so fast.
     Heinrich. That  is exactly right.  The way he conducted himself in your
absence -- it  just boggles the mind. I can provide  the  full  list of  his
crimes  that  haven't made  it to the Book of Sorrows  yet, because they are
still in the planning stage.
     Lancelot. Shut up!
     Heinrich.  Wait a minute! If  you  give  it impartial consideration,  I
personally cannot be held responsible. I was just brought up this way.
     Lancelot. Everybody was. But you had to be first in class, you bastard.
     Heinrich. We should leave, daddy. He is using bad words.
     Lancelot. You  are  not  going anywhere.  It's been a month  since I've
returned, Elsa.
     Elsa. And you didn't even think of coming by!
     Lancelot.  I  did,  but  in  the  invisibility hat,  very early  in the
morning. I have kissed you very softly, so as not to wake you up, and then I
took to wandering  around the town. It was horrible what I've  seen. Hard to
read it in the book, but seeing it with my own eyes was so much harder. You,
Mueller!

     1[st] Townsman rises up from under the table.

     I saw you  crying  tears of joy when you were shouting "Glory, glory to
the conqueror of the dragon!" at the Burgomaster.
     1[st] Townsman. That is true. I did cry. But I wasn't faking
it, Mr. Lancelot.
     Lancelot. You knew it was not him who killed the dragon.
     1[st] Townsman.  I sure did - when I was at home. But at the
rally... (Throws up his hands)
     Lancelot. Gardener!

     Gardener rises up from under the table.

     You  were trying  to  teach snapdragon  flowers to  say  "Hail  to  the
chief!", weren't you?
     Gardener. I was.
     Lancelot. Any luck?
     Gardener.  In  a way,  yes. But the snapdragon  was always sticking its
tongue at me after saying it. I  thought it would help me to receive another
grant for further experiments...
     Lancelot. Friedrichsen!

     2[nd] Townsman rises up from under the table.

     Burgomaster became mad at  you and threw your only  son in the dungeon,
didn't he?
     2[nd] Townsman. Yes. The boy was coughing all the time as it
was, and that dungeon is so damp!
     Lancelot. And after that you have presented the burgomaster with a pipe
inscribed "Yours forever"?
     2[nd] Townsman. I had to placate him somehow, don't you see?
     Lancelot. What should I do with the lot of you now?
     Burgomaster. Just forget them, Mr. Lancelot. This job  is  not for you.
Heinrich and I will handle them just fine. That would be the best punishment
for these  weaklings. Take  Elsa with you  and leave us to our  own devices.
This would be very humane. Very democratic.
     Lancelot. I can't. Come in, my friends!

     Enter weavers, blacksmith, hatter and luthier.

     And you have  disappointed me as well. I thought you could take them on
without me. Why did you yield to them and go to prison?
     Weavers. They caught us by surprise.
     Lancelot. Take these men. The president and the burgomaster.
     Weavers. (taking Burgomaster and Heinrich) Let's go.
     Blacksmith. I have checked the bars myself. Solid. Let's go.
     Hatter. These dunces' caps are for you.  I was  making  beautiful hats,
but that prison made me grow resentful. Let's go!
     Luthier. In my cell I fashioned  this violin out of bread, and made the
strings for it out of cobwebs. My  violin plays softly  and  dejectedly, but
this is your own fault. Let this music accompany you to the place from where
there's no way back.
     Heinrich. But  this  is  ridiculous! This  is not right!  This can't be
happening! A stranger, a drifter, an impractical person -- how can he...
     Weavers. Let's go!
     Burgomaster. I object! This is inhumane treatment!
     Weavers. Let's go!

     Simple, depressing music, barely  audible. Heinrich and Burgomaster are
being led out.

     Lancelot. Elsa, I am not the man I was before. You can see that.
     Elsa. Yes. But I love you even more for it.
     Lancelot. We cannot leave.
     Elsa. That's all right. We can be happy at home, too.
     Lancelot. This is  going to be a very meticulous job.  Even  worse than
embroidering. We have to kill the dragon in each one of them.
     Boy. Is it going to hurt?
     Lancelot. Not you.
     1[st] Townsman. What about us?
     Lancelot. You'll have to tough it out.
     Gardener.  Please  be  patient, Mr. Lancelot.  I implore you -- just be
patient. Graft carefully. Build fires -- warmth is conducive to growth. Pull
the weeds out  gently, so as not to hurt healthy roots.  If you really think
about  it,  people also,  maybe, taking  everything into account,  after all
deserve careful looking after.
     Elsa's  1[st] girlfriend. And  let  the  wedding  still take
place today.
     Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. Because people get kinder from joy.
     Lancelot. True! Let's have some music!

     Music plays.

     Elsa, give me  your hand. I love all of  you, my friends. Otherwise why
would I care to invest so  much  in you? And if I love you, then  everything
will  come  out  beautifully.  And  all of  us,  after  all the  trials  and
tribulations, all of us are going to be happy, very happy at the end!

     The end.



     Translator's notes

     Evgeny L. Schwarz (1896 or 1897-1958) is a Soviet playwright and author
of  books  for children,  as well as scripts for  enormously  popular Soviet
movies  ("Cinderella",  "Don Quixote", "The Shadow"). "Dragon"  is listed as
having  been  written in 1943 in  the book I have in my possession; however,
other sources give it as  1944,  which I  tend to  give  more credence  (see
below). In any case, this was the time Mr. Schwarz was employed as  a  chief
literary council  and writer-in-residence at  the Leningrad  Comedy Theatre;
the play was apparently  commissioned with a view to production  in the same
theatre.
     The plot in fact follows quite closely after the legend of  St. George,
patron saint  of England and  the  Russian/Soviet/Russian  capital  city  of
Moscow, among other places  (the so called Golden Legend). Briefly: a fierce
dragon was living near a  Syrian town of Silena; he demanded  two sheep from
the town  each day, and when  sheep were gone, maidens from nearby  villages
had  to  be substituted, according to  lots drawn by the  people. Into  this
country  came  the  future saint. Hearing the story on  a  day when  a local
princess  was  to  be eaten, he  crossed himself, rode to battle against the
serpent, and killed it with a single  blow of his lance. He then delivered a
sermon so powerful that local residents converted.
     In the  beginning  of  1942, as German forces  were  digging in  for  a
prolonged war after having made astounding gains against the Soviet Army the
previous  year, Mr.  Schwarz have been commissioned,  and  quickly completed
work on an openly ultra-patriotic anti-Nazi farce "Under the linden trees of
Berlin". A crude satirical review  written by an immensely talented  author,
it was received very favorably by  the high-level Party cultural bureaucrats
and approved  for performances  throughout the armed forces (and undoubtedly
was  performed many times there).  "Dragon", while having all of the outward
appearance  of  just  another  work  directed   against  Nazism  and  Hitler
personally, did not have such luck, though.
     Schwarz  carefully selected neutral,  mostly German-sounding  names for
his characters, based the play in an obviously European small burg, gave his
dragon  (or at  least  some  of  his incarnations) a vague military-Teutonic
appearance  and  inserted  historical  references   that  should  have  been
immediately familiar to contemporaries, such as having Heinrich spout almost
verbatim the hysterical feel-good propaganda of another Heinrich -- Goebbels
- about  military advantages  of contracting of the front lines (it  is this
particular phrase, by the  way, that makes me suspect  1944  as the  correct
year for the completion of the play, since in 1943 German army  has  not yet
been  driven back to the  extent that such message would become the official
propaganda stance), while the townsman is heard complaining that "It's  been
two minutes  already, and still no result" -  reducing the German blitzkrieg
concept to the point of absurdity.
     At  the same time, there are blatant digs at the other  dragon and  his
regime, this one  much  closer to  home, sprinkled all over the text,  their
ubiquity  and preciseness  leaving no doubt in my  mind  about  the author's
intentions  (and  civic courage;  people have been known to  "disappear" for
lesser  offenses). See for yourself. Dragon's  penchant for pipes ("You have
presented me  with a three-stemmed  pipe...") closely  follows  Stalin's own
well-publicized  love for them,  depicted  on  countless state portraits, so
that  eventually a  special museum housing  pipes presented to  the  beloved
leader by assorted artisans had to be instituted.  Dragon's characterization
as "amazing strategist and great tactician"  could have been lifted directly
from the front pages of the Soviet newspapers of the day describing Stalin's
military genius. At a deeper level, the  casualness  with which dragons (the
dragon himself, and later Burgomaster - "Are you kidding? Of course we do!",
and Heinrich --  "Quick improvements in  sleep, appetite  and attitude") get
rid of undesirables matches the Soviet society more accurately than  it does
the German one. Townsfolk's attitude towards  Charlemagne in the fight scene
accurately reflects the public ostracism that "family members of the enemies
of the people"  faced daily  (anyone seen helping  them risked becoming  the
enemy  himself). The phrase "spreading of rumors is going to be punished  by
chopping heads in  lieu of monetary compensation"  pretty much describes the
modus operandi of the  wartime internal secret police activity, as countless
"rumor   spreaders"  went  to  the  camps.  Different  parts   of  the  same
"communiqué" of Heinrich's  can also be perceived as retreads of  the Soviet
InformBureau's messages  during the early days of the war. There is a ban on
looking at the  sky in the book -  and  in  real  life, all radios had to be
turned  in to the authorities shortly after the war began. I could continue,
but the picture seems to be clear.
     It  should  come  as  no  surprise,  therefore,  that  the theatre  was
summarily prohibited  from  performing  the almost completed production. The
attempted revival  in 1962 met  with approximately  the  same response after
just a  couple of internal shows. Print runs  of  30,000 copies of Schwarz's
collected (not complete) plays  were ordered  that  same year  and  again 10
years later; this edition was to remain the only one until well into the 80s
(and  is  the  one  I  have  used).  Only  in  latter  Brezhnev  years  have
professional adaptations  of  the  play (and later,  during  perestroika,  a
controversial film  version  "To  Kill  A  Dragon"  imbued  with  many  more
contemporary attributes and allusions) finally appeared.
     Cultural references are an eternal translators'  bane. I firmly believe
there is a middle ground between the purist approach (taken, for example, by
Nabokov  in creating  his "Eugene  Onegin" by augmenting  one volume  of the
almost literally translated text with three more of  commentary,  a  virtual
cornucopia  of Russian culture to which the reader  is referred  from almost
every  word,  including  comments  on  comments) and  the  extreme  cavalier
attitude  to  the original  whereby  all cultural specificity  is completely
replaced  by that of the new language (but instead  is  more often  than not
completely lost).  I have tried to  maintain  the balance  as best  I could,
including keeping  these notes to manageable  size. I  admit  to having used
some references that obviously were  not on hand for  the original, but they
should be readily  accepted  and  easily  acknowledged  by any  English-  or
American-speaking  reader, while hinting  at their counterparts' position in
the  corresponding Russian  folklore  layers. By  the  way, Russian word for
snapdragon does  not have "dragon" in it, so  this delicious  pun is just an
unintended bonus.
     The play is about getting in touch with your  inner dragon,  not  about
its  various protagonists (and  would-be  protagonists)  of  all  shapes and
sizes, whether dead or alive. In this context, it is timeless and transcends
cultural boundaries. This book had been with me and dear to my heart  for as
long  as  I  could remember. Upon starting  this  project  I realized  to my
surprise  that  I still could recall  almost all  of  it word for word. I am
happy  if this  effort  of mine  can  bring it to even  one  more person who
wouldn't otherwise have had a chance to get acquainted with it. Enjoy.

     Yuri Machkasov

     February 2001, Framingham, Massachusetts.

     Copyright © 2001, Yuri Machkasov. All rights reserved.


Last-modified: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 08:22:46 GMT
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