. -  () Ogden Nash SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING "" 1992 .. A FRIEND IN NEED WILL BE AROUND IN FIVE MINUTES What are friends? Why, they are people for love of whom one goes out and eagerly borrows what one to them eagerly lends, Who in return assure one that if one were about to be eaten by an octopus they would dive fathoms deep to the rescue at the risk of contracting the bends, But who, if one faces any more prosaic emergency such as asking if they would mind one's bringing along an extra girl, one is making a mistake if one on them depends. They are people on whose entertainment one's entire income one hospitably and hebdomadally spends, And who at one's house eat birthright and at their house one eats pottage and other odds and ends, And for whose behavior one is to one's foes constantly making amends, Yes, that's what are friends. What then are foes? Why they are the least of anybody sensible's woes, Because if there is one thing that you might of anybody sensible suppose, It is that he wouldn't have anything to do with people who prove to be foes, Because obviously if one tarries blithely among one's proven foemen, Why whom has one to blame but oneself if one receives a poisoned barb in the small of the back or a poisoned comment on the large of the abdomen? Yes, friends are unavoidable and epidemic and therefore friend trouble is forgivable but I have no sympathy for him who circles Robin Hood's barn and exposes Himself to foeses. I maintain that foes are very nice people as long as a reason- ?able distance separates oneself and them, whereas a friend in need or in his cups can reach you across mountains of glass and lakes of fire, with which re?mark I shall now close, Simply pausing to add that compared to a friend at the front door I find foes at a reasonable distance rather restful, and from now on I shall ever think of them as Comme Il Fauts. , ? ? - , , , , . ?? , , , , . , - , , , . - , , . , , , , , , , . ! ? , , . , , . - , , , , , ? , , , , , , , , . , - , , , , , , , - . THE JAPANESE How courteous is the Japanese; He always says, ?Excuse it, please." He climbs into his neighbour's garden, And smiles, and says, ?I beg your pardon"; He bows and grins a friendly grin, And calls his hungry family in; He grins, and bows a friendly bow; ?So sorry, this my garden now." ! , . , : ? , !? , , : ? ?? FRAILTY, THY NAME IS A MISNOMER Once there was a couple named Mr. and Mrs. Pepperloaf and they were simply devoted, Because each other was upon what they doted, And in Mrs. Pepperloaf's eyes Mr. Pepperloaf could never err, And he admitted only one flaw in her, But it was a flaw which took many virtues to assuage, Consisting in always asking him the date while she was reading the paper with the date clearly printed on every page, And whenever he called her attention to this least admirable of her trails She would retort that he didn't trust the paper's weather forecasts so then why should she trust its dates. For eleven years his patience held But finally he rebelled. It was on the evening of Friday the seventh that she looked up from her paper and asked him the date, And he replied firmly that she would find it at the top of the page so she looked at the top of the page and that was that, and presently they sat down to supper and ate, And they were miserable because they had never disagreed and this contretemps was a beginner for them, And at nine his employer's wife called up to ask where were they, she and eleven guests were waiting dinner for them, And Mr. Pepperloaf asked Mrs. Pepperloaf how she could have so misreckoned, And she said she knew that they had been invited out on the seventh but, according to the newspaper he had instructed her to consult, tonight was only the second, And he picked up the paper and it was last week's, not today's, And she said certainly, she had just been reading over some recipes for different delicious souffles, And now she found the first flaw in him because she had obeyed his order to look for the date in the paper, hadn't she, so his irritation was uncalled for and unseasonable. Women would rather be right than reasonable. , - , . , - . , . - . . , , , , . , , , , , , ? . , . , , , , . , , , , , , . , , , , , . , ? - . , ? : , , , , . , , , . , . ? , , , , , . , , , - . BETWEEN BIRTHDAYS My birthdays take so long to start. They come along a year apart. It's worse than waiting for a bus; I fear I used to fret and fuss, But now, when by impatience vexed Between one birthday and the next, I think of all that I have seen That keeps on happening in between. The songs I've heard, the things I've done, Make my un-birthdays not so un- Ax, , ! , . . . , , - . , , - AND THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX IN LEAP YEAR Some people shave before bathing, And about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing, While those who bathe before shaving, Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving. Suppose you shave before bathing, well the advantage is that you don't have to make a special job of washing the lather off afterwards, it just floats off with the rest of your accumulations in the tub, But the disadvantage is that before bathing your skin is hard and dry and your beard confronts the razor like a grizzly bear defending its cub. Well then, suppose you bathe before shaving, well the advantage is that after bathing your skin is soft and moist, and your beard positively begs for the blade, But the disadvantage is that to get the lather off you have to wash your face all over again at the basin almost immediately after washing it in the tub, which is a duplication of effort that leaves me spotless but dis-mayed. The referee reports, gentlemen, that Fate has loaded the dice, Since your only choice is between walking around all day with a sore chin or washing your face twice, So I will now go and get a shave from a smug man in a crisp white coat, And I will disrupt his smugness by asking him about his private life, does he bathe before shaving or shave be- fore bathing, and then I will die either of laughing or of a clean cut throat. 366 ! , , . . , . , , : , , - . : , , , . , , , . : , , , , - . - , . - : . - (, !) , , . SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING When speaking of people and their beliefs I wear my belief on my sleeve; I believe that people believe what they believe they believe. When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it, No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first place they simply say, ?Nothing doing", and refuse to inspect it. Likewise when they embrace a truth or an untruth it is not for either its truth or its mendacity, But simply because they have believed it all along and therefore regard the embrace as a tribute to their own fair-mindedness and sagacity. There are enlightened days in which you can get hot water and cold water out of the same spigot, And everybody has something about which they are proud to be broad-minded but they also have other things about which you would be wasting your breath if you tried to convince them that they were a bigot, And I have no desire to get ugly, But I cannot help mentioning that the door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. Naturally I am not pointing a finger at me, But I must admit that I find Mr. Ickes or any other speaker far more convincing when I agree with him than when I disagree. , . , . - , , , , , , - , : " !" - . , . , , , . , , , , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , , . JACK DO-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING (A cursory nursery tale for lot-bailers) Once there was a kindhearted lad named Jack Do-Good-for-Nothing, the only son of a poor widow whom creditors did importune, So he set out in the world to make his fortune. His mother's blessing and a crust of bread was his only stake, And pretty soon he saw a frog that about to be devoured by a snake. And he rescued the frog and drove the snake away, And the frog vowed gratitude to its dying day, And a little later on in his walk, Why, he saw a little red hen about to be carried off by a hawk, And he rescued the little red hen and drove the hawk away, And the little red hen vowed that whenever he was in trouble his kindness she would repay, And he walked a few more country blocks, And he saw a bunny rabbit about to be gobbled up by a fox, And he rescued the bunny rabbit before the fox could fall on it, And the bunny rabbit thanked Jack and told him any time he needed help, just to call on it, And after all this rescuing, Jack was huffing and puffing, And a little farther on the snake and the hawk and the fox jumped him, and out of him they beat the stuffing; They even stole his crust of bread and each ate a third of it, And the frog and the little red hen and the bunny rabbit said they were very sorry when they heard of it. You see, Jack against a cardinal rule of conduct had been a transgressor: Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. -- ( ) -- , , , , . , , , . , , . , , . , . , , , . , . , . - , , , . , , , , , . . , -, , . , : , , . THE MERMAID Say not the mermaid is a myth, I knew one once named Mrs. Smith. She stood while playing cards or knitting: Mermaids are not equipped for sitting. , ?! ? , . , . THE PURIST I give you now Professor Twist, A conscientious scientist. Trustees exclaimed, ?He never bungles! And sent him off to distant jungles. Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. "You, mean," he said, ?a crocodile." , - , , . , . , . , , : " ? - ?" ***** Einstein received a questionnaire In which they asked him to declare Whether he thought we might be forced Into atomic holocaust. So, putting down his violin The old man neatly pencilled in The middle of the form they sent. (Yes. Not, I trust, by accident). - , , , , -? , . : "... ... , - !..." THE LION Oh, weep for Mr and Mrs Bryan! He was eaten by a lion; Following which, the lion's lioness Up and swallowed Bryan's Bryaness. ! . . DR. FELL AND POINTS WEST Your train leaves at eleven-forty-five and it is now but eleven-thirty-nine and a half, And there is only one man ahead of you at the ticket window so you have plenty of time, haven't you, well I hope you enjoy a hearty laugh, Because he is Dr. Fell, and he is engaged in an intricate maneuver, He wants to go to Sioux City with stopovers at Plymouth Rock, Stone Mountain, Yellowstone Park, Lake Louise and Vancouver, And he would like some information about an alternate route, One that would include New Orleans and Detroit, with possibly a day or two in Minneapolis and Butte, And when the agent has compiled the data with the aid of a slug of aromatic spirits and a moist bandanna, He says that settles it, he'll spend his vacation canoeing up and down the Susquehanna, And oh yes, which way is the bus terminal and what's playing at the Rivoli, And how do the railroads expect to stay in business when their employees are incapable of answering a simple question accurately or civilly? He then demands and receives change for twenty dollars and saunters off leaving everybody's jaw with a sag on it, And when you finally get to buy your ticket not only has your train gone but you also discover that your porter has efficiently managed to get your bag on it. , , . , , , , , , . , , . , , , , , . , , . , , , - , . , , , , ? , , , , - . , , , , , , . THE HIPPOPOTAMUS Behold the hippopotamus! We laugh at how he looks to us, And yet in moments dank and grim I wonder how we look to him. Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus! We really look all right to us, As you no doubt delight the eye Of other hippopotami. . ! , ? , , ? A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO THE OCEAN Let us now consider the ocean. It is always in motion. It is generally understood to be the source of much of our rain, And ten thousand fleets are said to have swept over it in vain. When the poet requested it to break break break on its cold gray rocks it obligingly broke broke broke. Which as the poet was Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't surprise him at all but if it had been me I would probably have had a stroke. Some people call it the Atlantic and some the Pacific or the Antarctic or the Indian or the Mediterranean Sea, But I always say what difference does it make, some old geographer mumbling a few words of it, it will always be just the Ocean to me. There is an immortal dignity about something like the Atlantic, Which seems to drive unimmortal undignified human beings frustratedly frantic. Just give them one foot on the beach and people who were perfectly normal formerly, or whilom, Why, they are subject to whoops and capers that would get them blackballed from an asylum; Yet be they never so rampant and hollerant, The ocean is tolerant, Except a couple of times a day it gives up in disgust and goes off by itself and hides, And that, my dears, accounts for the tides. ? , , , . , , , . , , , , , , , . , , , . ! , , , , , . , , , , . , (-), , . , , . , , . . - , . , , ? , , : ", , , , , , . , -?! , , . , - , , . , , , , . , . , , , . , . - . , , , . , , , , , . , ! - , , . ,- , , , , , . - , , , . , . , , , , . , , - . , . , ; , , , , . , , , - , , , . , , : " - ?!" , , , . , , - ! , , . --, , , . , , , , , - ! , - , , , , , . THE MULES In the world of mules There are no rules. , , . -1- An elderly bride of Port Jcrvis Was quite understandably nervis. Since her apple - cheeked groom, With three wines in the tomb, Kept insuring her during the service. , , , , : " , , !" -2- lady from near Rising Sun, She flattened her boy friend in fun, Saying, Don't worry kid, That's for nothing you did, It's for something I dreamed that you done. ! ,- ,- , , . , , , , . , , , . , , . , , , . , , , , - - . , . , , , . , , - , : , ! , , , , , , , . NOW TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF Everybody speaks of being patronized, Yet nobody speaks of the truly irksome shambles which is, or are, being matronized, By which I mean that there is nothing more impolitely and noticeably aloof Than a woman of a certain sort sounding out a man of whose certain sort she hasn't yet got definite affidavits or proof. She displays the great names of her acquaintance for his benefit like a nouveau riche displaying his riches, And fixes him with the stare of a psychiatrist to see if there is one at which he twitches. George Washington and George Sand and Lloyd George to her are Georgie, And she would have addressed the Borgias behind their back as Borgie. She always wants to know, first, where do you come from, and second, do you of course know Babs and Bonzo Beaver there, which you never do, often for your own very good reasons, but you try to make your reply a polite one, So you murmur, ?Well I don't really know them, but I know of them," and she at once assigns you to your proper side of the tracks, and it is not the right one. When she discusses national affairs she doesn't talk exactly treasonably, But she refers to that part of the nation which lies outside of New York in the bright tone of one referring to a little tailor she has just discovered who does alterations very reasonably. Please do not get the impression that a matronizing woman causes me to froth at the mouth or slaver; I only wish to notify you that whenever you want her you can have her. . , . , , , . , , , , , , . - . , , , , . , , , . , -, , , . , , , , , - , . , , - - , . **** There was a lady loved a gent, But her reward was meager. Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends, The lady's overeager. There was a lady loved a gent, She held her backbone rigid. Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends, The lady's for too frigid. There was a lady loved herself, But equipped with COLD and HOT. Said her gentleman friends to their gentleman friends, Whatever it is, she's got. Oh let us laugh at the lines above, Less precious than pearls and rubies - Telling the ladies what ladies know, That gentlemen ALL are boobies. , , . ! , . - . , . . ! . : - ! , . , , : - ! THE ANT The ant has made himself illustrious Through constant industry industrious. So what? Would you be calm and placid If you were full of formic acid? . - . ? - , ! - . THE PARENT Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. , . THOUGHTS THOUGHT ON AN AVENUE There would be far lees masculine gaming and boozing But for the feminine approach to feminine fashions, which is distinctly confusing. Please correct me if, although I don't think I do, I err; But it is a fact that a lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty upset if she see anybody else dressed exactly like her. Nothing so infuriates her as a similar hat or dress, Especially if bought for less, Which brings up another point which I will attempt to discuss in my guttural masculine jargon; Her ideal raiment is costlier than her or her dearest friend's purse can buy, and at the same time her own exclusive and amazing bargain. Psychologists claim that men are the dreamers and women are the realists, But to my mind women are the starriest-eyed of idealists, Though I am willing to withdraw this charge and gladly eat it uncomplaineously. If anyone can explain to me how a person can wear a costume that is different from other people's and the same as other people's and more expensive than other people's and cheaper than other people's, simultaneously. , , . , , , , , , , , , -, , . , , , - , , . , , - . , - , - . , -, . , , , , -- , , , , . THE FLY God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. , ! , . . FUNEBRIAL REFLECTION Among the anthropophagi People's friends are people's sarcophagi. . - . THE CHERUB I like to watch the clouds roll by, And think of cherubs in the sky; But when I think of cherubim, I don't know if they're her or him. , , , : ? - ?! SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. , , , . ? - ! - . NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW I DON'T Some people look to the future and others look days of yore-wards, But even they see more eye to eye than two people on a train one of whom is riding backwards and the other forwards. I don't know how it does or when, But anything interesting described by a forwards rider has vanished by the time it should have swum into the backwards rider's ken, While, through a freak twist of the current The backwards rider gets to see a lot of interesting things that should have been there a moment ago for the forwards rider to see but somehow they just wurrent. Travelers have told me and 1 have believed them, That such noticeable objects as the Mississippi River and the Sierra Nevada mountains have disappeared between the time when the forwards rider pointed them out and the backwards rider should have perceived them. There are those who in an effort to explain this