Sem Kin. Interv'yu s Kastanedoj, 1976
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Seeing Castaneda (1976), reprinted from Psychology Today, 1972
Perevod: Dmitrij Manaev, 1999, E-mail: level@aport.ru
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Sem Kin: Sledya za donom Huanom na protyazhenii Vashih treh
knig, vremya ot vremeni ya podozreval, chto on byl tvoreniem
Karlosa Kastanedy. On slishkom horosh, chtoby byt' nastoyashchim -
mudryj staryj indeec, ch'e znanie chelovecheskoj prirody
prevoshodit znanie pochti lyubogo cheloveka.
Karlos Kastaneda: Ideya o tom, chto ya pridumal takuyu
lichnost', kak don Huan, neveroyatna. On vryad li yavlyaetsya takim
tipom personazha, k izobreteniyu kotorogo mogla by privesti moya
evropejskaya intellektual'naya tradiciya. Istina gorazdo bolee
strannaya. YA dazhe ne byl podgotovlen k tomu, chtoby delat' te
izmeneniya v moej zhizni, v kotorye menya vovleklo obshchenie s donom
Huanom.
Kin: Kak i gde Vy vstretili dona Huana i stali ego
uchenikom?
Kastaneda: YA zakanchival uchebu v Universitete Los-Andzhelesa
i planiroval postupat' v aspiranturu po antropologii. YA byl
zainteresovan v tom, chtoby stat' professorom i dumal, chto
podhodyashchim nachalom mogla by stat' publikaciya korotkoj raboty po
medicinskim rasteniyam. YA ne zabotilsya o poiskah takogo
strannogo cheloveka kak don Huan. YA byl na avtobusnoj stancii v
Arizone s odnim drugom po universitetu. On ukazal mne na
kakogo-to starogo indejca i skazal, chto tot znaet o pejote i
medicinskih rasteniyah. YA napustil vazhnyj vid, predstavilsya donu
Huanu i skazal: "Mne izvestno, chto Vy znaete massu vsego o
pejote. YA odin iz ekspertov po pejotu (ya k tomu vremeni
prochital "Kul't pejota" Uestona la Berra) i dlya Vas bylo by
polezno kakoe-to vremya pogovorit' so mnoj za lanchem". Nu, on
prosto vzglyanul na menya i moya bravada rastayala. YA stal
absolyutno kosnoyazychnym i nemym. Obychno ya byl ochen' agressivnym
i mnogoslovnym, i okazat'sya utihomirennym ot odnogo vzglyada
bylo ochen' neobychnym. Posle etogo ya stal poseshchat' ego i
primerno cherez god on skazal mne, chto reshil peredat' mne znanie
o magii, kotoromu on nauchilsya u svoego uchitelya.
Kin: To est', don Huan - ne izolirovannyj fenomen.
Sushchestvuet li kakoe-to obshchestvo magov, kotoroe razdelyaet
sekretnoe znanie?
Kastaneda: Konechno. YA znayu treh magov i sem' uchenikov i
sushchestvuet eshche bol'she. Esli Vy prochtete istoriyu ispanskogo
zavoevaniya Meksiki, Vy uznaete, chto katolicheskie inkvizitory
pytalis' likvidirovat' magiyu, potomu chto oni rassmatrivali ee
kak rabotu d'yavola. Tak bylo povsyudu mnogie sotni let. Mnogie
tehniki, kotorym menya uchil don Huan, ochen' starye.
Kin: Nekotorye iz tehnik, kotorymi pol'zuyutsya magi,
nahodyatsya v shirokom primenenii v drugih okkul'tnyh gruppah.
Lyudi chasto ispol'zuyut snovideniya, chtoby iskat' poteryannye veshchi
i oni otpravlyayutsya vo vnetelesnye puteshestviya vo sne. No kogda
Vy rasskazyvali o tom, kak don Huan i ego drug don Henaro
zastavili vash avtomobil' rastvorit'sya sredi bela dnya, ya mog
tol'ko pochesat' v zatylke. YA znayu, chto gipnotizer mozhet
sozdavat' illyuziyu prisutstviya ili otsutstviya ob容kta. Vy
dumaete, chto Vas gipnotizirovali?
Kastaneda: Vozmozhno, chto-to vrode etogo. No my dolzhny
nachat' s ponimaniya, kak govorit don Huan, chto v mire sushchestvuet
gorazdo bol'she, chem my priznaem. Nashi obychnye ozhidaniya naschet
real'nosti sozdayutsya social'nym dogovorom. Nas obuchayut kak
videt' i kak ponimat' mir. Tryuk socializacii - ubedit' nas v
tom, chto opisaniya, s kotorymi my soglashaemsya, opredelyayut
granicy real'nogo mira. To, chto my nazyvaem real'nost'yu - eto
tol'ko odin iz sposobov videniya mira, sposob, kotoryj
podderzhivaetsya social'nym dogovorom.
Kin: Togda mag, kak gipnotizer, sozdaet al'ternativnyj mir
postroeniem razlichnyh ozhidanij i manipulirovaniem namekami,
chtoby sozdat' social'nyj dogovor.
Kastaneda: Imenno. YA prishel k ponimaniyu magii v terminah
idei Talkotta Parsonsa o glossah. Gloss - eto sovmestnaya
sistema vospriyatiya i yazyka. Naprimer, eta komnata - odin iz
glossov. My nasobirali vmeste nabory izolirovannyh vospriyatij -
pol, potolok, okno, svetil'niki, kovry i t.p., chtoby sozdat'
obshchnost'. No my dolzhny byli byt' obucheny skladyvat' mir vmeste
takim sposobom. Rebenok razvedyvaet mir s malym kolichestvom
predvzyatyh mnenij, poka ego ne uchat videt' veshchi tem sposobom,
kotoryj otvechaet tem opisaniyam, s kotorymi kazhdyj soglashaetsya.
Mir yavlyaetsya soglasheniem. Sistema glossinga kazhetsya pohozhej na
nechto vrode hozhdeniya. My dolzhny uchit'sya hodit', no raz my
uchimsya, my podvergaemsya sintaksisu yazyka i rezhimu vospriyatiya,
kotoryj v nem soderzhitsya.
Kin: To est' magiya, kak i iskusstvo, obuchaet novoj sisteme
glossinga. Kogda, naprimer, van Gog porval s hudozhestvennoj
tradiciej i narisoval "Zvezdnuyu noch'", on v rezul'tate skazal:
vot novyj sposob vzglyada na veshchi. Zvezdy zhivy i vrashchayutsya v
svoem energeticheskom pole.
Kastaneda: Otchasti. No est' razlichie. Hudozhnik obychno
prosto peredelyvaet starye glossy, kotorye podhodyat dlya ego
chlenstva. CHlenstvo sostoit v tom, chtoby byt' ekspertom po tem
smyslovym namekam, kotorye soderzhatsya v kul'ture. Naprimer, moe
pervonachal'noe chlenstvo, kak ves'ma obrazovannogo zapadnogo
cheloveka, bylo v evropejskom intellektual'nom mire. Nevozmozhno
vyjti iz odnogo chlenstva, ne buduchi vvedennym v drugoe. Mozhno
tol'ko peredelyvat' glossy.
Kin: Don Huan resocializiroval ili desocializiroval Vas?
Obuchal li on Vas novoj sisteme znachenij ili tol'ko metodu
sryvaniya staroj sistemy, tak chto Vy mogli by videt' mir kak
voshishchennoe ditya?
Kastaneda: Don Huan i ya ne soglasny s etim. YA govoryu, chto
on reglossiroval menya; on govorit, chto on deglossiroval menya.
Obuchaya menya magii, on daval mne novyj nabor glossov, novyj yazyk
i novyj sposob videniya mira. Odnazhdy ya pochital donu Huanu
nemnogo iz linvisticheskoj filosofii Lyudviga Vittgenshtejna i on
rassmeyalsya i skazal: "Tvoj Vittgenshtejn slishkom tugo zatyanul
arkan vokrug svoej shei, tak chto ne mozhet nikuda idti".
Kin: Vittgenshtejn - odin iz nemnogih filosofov, kto mog by
ponyat' dona Huana. Ego zamechanie, chto est' mnogo razlichnyh
yazykovyh igr - nauka, politika, poeziya, religiya, metafizika,
kazhdaya so svoim sobstvennym sintaksisom i pravilami - moglo by
pozvolit' emu ponimat' magiyu kak al'ternativnuyu sistemu
vospriyatiya i znacheniya.
Kastaneda: No don Huan schitaet, chto to, chto on nazyvaet
videniem, yavlyaetsya postizheniem bez vsyakoj interpretacii; eto
chistoe, zhelayushchee poznavat', vospriyatie. Magiya yavlyaetsya
sredstvom dlya etogo. CHtoby razrushit' uverennost', chto mir - eto
sposob, kotoromu vas vsegda uchili, vy dolzhny nauchit'sya novomu
opisaniyu mira - magii - i zatem uderzhivat' staryj i novyj
vmeste. Togda vy uvidite, chto ni odno opisanie ne yavlyaetsya
konechnym. V etot moment vy proskal'zyvaete mezhdu opisaniyami; vy
ostanavlivaete mir i vidite. Vy ostavleny naedine s chudom;
nastoyashchim chudom videniya mira bez interpretacii.
Kin: Kak Vy dumaete, vozmozhno li vybrat'sya za predely
interpretacii pri pomoshchi psihodelicheskih sredstv?
Kastaneda: YA tak ne dumayu. I v etom moya ssora s takimi
lyud'mi, kak Timoti Liri. YA dumayu, chto on improviziroval v
predelah evropejskogo chlenstva i prosto peredelyval starye
glossy. YA nikogda ne prinimal LSD, no ya ponyal iz tehnik dona
Huana, chto psihotropiki ispol'zuyutsya, chtoby ostanavlivat' potok
ordinarnyh interpretacij, rasshiryat' protivorechiya vnutri glossov
i rasshatyvat' ubezhdennost'. No odni tol'ko narkotiki ne
pozvolyat vam ostanovit' mir. CHtoby sdelat' eto, vam nuzhno
al'ternativnoe opisanie mira. Vot pochemu don Huan dolzhen byl
obuchat' menya magii.
Kin: Est' obychnaya real'nost', kotoraya, kak my, zapadnye
lyudi, ubezhdeny, yavlyaetsya "tem" edinstvennym mirom, i zatem,
est' otdel'naya real'nost' maga. Kakovy vazhnejshie razlichiya mezhdu
nimi?
Kastaneda: V evropejskom chlenstve mir stroitsya bol'shej
chast'yu iz togo, chto glaza soobshchayut umu. V magii vse telo
ispol'zuetsya kak receptor. Kak evropejcy, my vidim mir vovne i
rasskazyvaem sebe o nem. My zdes', a mir tam. Nashi glaza pitayut
nash razum i u nas net pryamogo znaniya veshchej. V sootvetstvii s
magiej, eto bremya na glazah neobyazatel'no. My znaem vsem telom.
Kin: Zapadnyj chelovek nachinaet s predpolozheniya, chto
sub容kt i ob容kt razdeleny. My izolirovany ot mira i vynuzhdeny
peresekat' nekotoryj razryv, chtoby popast' v nego. Dlya dona
Huana i ego magicheskoj tradicii telo uzhe nahodit'sya v mire. My
ob容dineny s mirom, a ne otchuzhdeny ot nego.
Kastaneda: |to verno. Magiya imeet druguyu teoriyu
voploshcheniya. Problema v magii v tom, chtoby nastroit' i privesti
telo v sostoyanie gotovnosti, chtoby sdelat' ego horoshim
receptorom. Evropejcy obrashchayutsya so svoimi telami tak, kak esli
by oni byli ob容ktami. My napolnyaem ih alkogolem, plohoj pishchej
i bespokojstvom. Kogda chto-to idet ne tak, my dumaem, chto
bakterii pronikli v telo izvne i poetomu prinimaem kakoe-libo
lekarstvo, chtoby ego vylechit'; zabolevanie ne yavlyaetsya chast'yu
nas. Don Huan ne verit v eto. Dlya nego zabolevanie - eto
dizgarmoniya mezhdu chelovekom i ego mirom. Telo - eto soznanie i
s nim neobhodimo obrashchat'sya bezuprechno.
Kin: |to zvuchit pohozhe na ideyu Normana O.Brauna o tom, chto
deti, shizofreniki i lica s dionisijskim soznaniem schitayut veshchi
i drugih lyudej rasshireniyami sobstvennyh tel. Don Huan namekaet
na nechto podobnoe, kogda govorit, chto chelovek znaniya obladaet
voloknami sveta, kotorye soedinyayut ego solnechnoe spletenie s
ostal'nym mirom.
Kastaneda: Moj razgovor s kojotom - horoshaya illyustraciya
razlichnyh teorij voploshcheniya. Kogda on podoshel ko mne, ya skazal:
"Zdravstvuj, malen'kij kojot. Kak pozhivaesh'?" I on mne otvetil:
"YA horosho, a kak ty?" Tak vot, ya ne slyshal slova obychnym
sposobom. No moe telo znalo, chto kojot chto-to govoril i ya
perevel eto v dialog. Kak u intellektuala, moe otnoshenie k
dialogu nastol'ko glubokoe, chto moe telo avtomaticheski perevelo
v slova to chuvstvo, kotoroe zhivotnoe soobshchalo mne. My vsegda
vidim neizvestnoe v terminah izvestnogo.
Kin: Kogda Vy v tom magicheskom sostoyanii soznaniya, v
kotorom kojoty govoryat i vse yasno i ponyatno, eto vyglyadit tak,
kak budto ves' mir zhivoj i chto chelovecheskie sushchestva nahodyatsya
v soobshchestve, kotoroe vklyuchaet v sebya zhivotnyh i rasteniya. Esli
my otbrosim nashi vysokomernye predpolozheniya, chto my yavlyaemsya
edinstvennoj ponimayushchej i kommuniciruyushchej formoj zhizni, my
smozhem ponyat', chto vse chto ugodno razgovarivaet s nami.
Dzhon Lilli razgovarival s del'finami. Vozmozhno, my
pochuvstvovali by sebya menee otchuzhdennymi, esli by mogli
poverit' v to, chto my ne edinstvennaya razumnaya zhizn'.
Kastaneda: My mogli by byt' sposobny razgovarivat' s lyubym
zhivotnym. Dlya dona Huana i drugih magov ne bylo nichego
neobychnogo v moem razgovore s kojotom. Na samom dele oni
skazali, chto mne sleduet vybrat' bolee nadezhnoe zhivotnoe v
kachestve druga. Kojoty-obmanshchiki i im nel'zya doveryat'.
Kin: Kakie zhivotnye stanovyatsya bolee podhodyashchimi druz'yami?
Kastaneda: Zmei stanovyatsya izumitel'nymi druz'yami.
Kin: Odnazhdy u menya byl razgovor so zmeej. Kak-to noch'yu
mne prisnilas' zmeya v mansarde doma, gde ya zhil, kogda byl
rebenkom. YA vzyal palku i popytalsya ubit' ee. Utrom ya rasskazal
son svoej podruge i ona napomnila mne, chto ubivat' zmej
nehorosho, dazhe esli oni v mansarde vo sne. Ona nastaivala,
chtoby v sleduyushchij raz, kogda zmeya poyavit'sya vo sne, mne sleduet
pokormit' ee ili chto-to sdelat', chtoby pomoch' ej. Primerno
cherez chas ya ehal na motorollere po maloispol'zuemoj doroge i
tam ona zhdala menya - chetyrehfutovaya zmeya, vytyanuvshayasya i
grevshayasya na solnce. YA pod容hal k nej i ona ne shevel'nulas'.
Zatem my smotreli drug na druga kakoe-to vremya i ya reshil, chto
mne sleduet sdelat' kakoj-to zhest, chtoby dat' ej znat' o tom,
chto ya sozhaleyu, chto pytalsya ubit' ee sestru v svoem sne. YA
priblizilsya i prikosnulsya k ee hvostu. Ona svilas' i pokazala,
chto ya narushil nashu intimnost'. Tak chto ya otoshel nazad i prosto
smotrel. Primerno cherez pyat' minut ona ushla v kusty.
Kastaneda: Vy ne podobrali ee?
Kin: Net.
Kastaneda: |to byl ochen' horoshij drug. CHelovek mozhet
nauchit'sya vyzyvat' zmej. No nuzhno byt' v ochen' horoshej forme,
spokojnym, sobrannym - v druzhelyubnom nastroenii, bez somnenij i
nevypolnennyh del.
Kin: Moya zmeya nauchila menya, chto u menya vsegda byli
paranoidal'nye chuvstva po otnosheniyu k prirode. YA schital
zhivotnyh i zmej opasnymi. Posle toj vstrechi ya nikogda by ne
ubil zmeyu i eto stalo bolee pravdopodobnym dlya menya, chto my
mozhem nahodit'sya v chem-to vrode zhivogo soobshchestva.
Nasha ekosistema vpolne mogla by vklyuchat' kommunikaciyu
mezhdu razlichnymi formami zhizni.
Kastaneda: U dona Huana ob etom est' ochen' interesnaya
teoriya. Rasteniya, kak i zhivotnye, vsegda vliyayut na vas. On
govorit, chto esli ne izvinyat'sya pered rasteniyami za to, chto vy
sryvaete ih, mozhno zabolet' ili mozhet proizojti neschastnyj
sluchaj.
Kin: U amerikanskie indejcev byli pohozhie verovaniya o
zhivotnyh, kotoryh oni ubivali. Esli ne poblagodarit' zhivotnoe
za to, chto ono otdaet svoyu zhizn' za to, chtoby vy mogli zhit',
ego duh mozhet sozdat' vam nepriyatnosti.
Kastaneda: U nas est' obshchnost' so vsej zhizn'yu. CHto-to
menyaetsya kazhdyj raz, kogda my bezdumno vredim rastitel'noj ili
zhivotnoj zhizni. My zabiraem zhizn' dlya togo, chtoby zhit', no my
dolzhny byt' gotovy otdat' nashi zhizni bez negodovaniya, kogda
pridet nashe vremya. My takie vazhnye i prinimaem sebya tak
vser'ez, chto zabyvaem o tom, chto mir - eto velichajshaya tajna,
kotoraya budet uchit' nas, esli my budem slushat'.
Kin: Vozmozhno, psihotropnye preparaty vremenno otmetayut
izolirovannoe ego i dopuskayut misticheskoe sliyanie s prirodoj.
Mnogie kul'tury, kotorye sohranili chuvstvo obshchnosti mezhdu
chelovekom i prirodoj, takzhe sozdali ceremonial'noe
ispol'zovanie psihodelicheskih sredstv. Vy ispol'zovali pejot,
kogda razgovarivali s kojotom?
Kastaneda: Net. Sovsem net.
Kin: |to perezhivanie bylo bolee intensivnym, chem podobnye
perezhivaniya, kotorye u Vas byli, kogda don Huan daval Vam
psihotropnye rasteniya?
Kastaneda: Gorazdo bolee intensivnym. Kazhdyj raz kogda ya
prinimal psihotropnye rasteniya, ya znal, chto ya prinyal chto-to i
mog vsegda usomnit'sya v podlinnosti moego opyta. No kogda kojot
razgovarival so mnoj, mne nechem bylo zashchishchat'sya. YA nikak ne mog
etogo ob座asnit'. YA dejstvitel'no ostanovil mir i na korotkoe
vremya polnost'yu vyshel iz moej evropejskoj sistemy glossinga.
Kin: Kak Vy dumaete, don Huan zhivet v takom sostoyanii
soznaniya bol'shuyu chast' vremeni?
Kastaneda: Da. On zhilet v magicheskom vremeni i inogda
vhodit v obychnoe vremya. YA zhivu v obychnom vremeni i inogda
pogruzhayus' v magicheskoe vremya.
Kin: Lyuboj, kto puteshestvuet tak daleko ot izbityh putej
dogovorennosti, dolzhen byt' ochen' odinokim.
Kastaneda: YA dumayu, chto da. Don Huan zhivet v osobennom
mire i on ostavil obychnyh lyudej daleko pozadi. Odnazhdy, kogda ya
byl s donom Huanom i ego drugom donom Henaro, ya uvidel to
odinochestvo, kotoroe oni razdelyali i ih pechal' ob ostavlennyh
pozadi vneshnih atributah i tochkah otscheta obychnogo obshchestva. YA
dumayu, chto don Huan prevrashchaet svoe odinochestvo v iskusstvo. On
uderzhivaet i upravlyaet svoej siloj, zhazhdoj znaniya i
odinochestvom i prevrashchaet ih v iskusstvo.
Ego iskusstvo - eto metaforicheskoe vyrazhenie obraza ego
zhizni. Vot pochemu ego tehniki obladayut takim dramaticheskim
aromatom i edinstvom. On obdumanno konstruiruet svoyu zhizn' i
svoyu maneru obucheniya.
Kin: Naprimer, kogda don Huan vzyal Vas v gory ohotit'sya na
zhivotnyh, on soznatel'no vystraival allegoriyu?
Kastaneda: Da. Ego ne interesovala ohota radi sporta ili
radi dobychi myasa. Za 10 let, kotorye ya znayu ego, don Huan ubil
tol'ko chetyreh zhivotnyh radi moego znaniya i eto bylo tol'ko
togda, kogda on videl, chto ih smert' byla darom dlya nego tak zhe
kak ego smert' kogda-nibud' mogla by stat' darom chemu-libo.
Odnazhdy my pojmali krolika v lovushku, kotoruyu ustanovili i don
Huan polagal, chto mne sledovalo ubit' krolika, potomu chto ego
vremya vyshlo. YA byl v otchayanii, potomu chto u menya bylo takoe
oshchushchenie, tochno ya sam byl krolikom. YA popytalsya osvobodit' ego,
no ne mog otkryt' lovushku. Togda ya pnul lovushku nogoj i
nechayanno slomal kroliku sheyu. Don Huan vse vremya pytalsya nauchit'
menya tomu, chto ya dolzhen prinimat' na sebya otvetstvennost' za
sushchestvovanie v etom udivitel'nom mire. On naklonilsya i
prosheptal mne na uho: "YA govoril tebe, chto u etogo krolika
bol'she net vremeni prygat' po etoj prekrasnoj pustyne". On
soznatel'no vystroil etu metaforu chtoby uchit' menya o putyah
voina. Voin - eto chelovek, kotoryj ohotitsya i nakaplivaet
lichnuyu silu. CHtoby delat' eto, on dolzhen razvivat' terpenie i
volyu i obdumanno dvigat'sya v mire. Don Huan ispol'zoval
dramaticheskuyu situaciyu nastoyashchej ohoty, chtoby uchit' menya,
potomu chto sam on obrashchalsya k moemu telu.
Kin: V vashej samoj nedavnej knige "Puteshestvie v Ikstlen",
Vy razrushaete to vpechatlenie, poluchennoe ot Vashih pervyh knig,
chto ispol'zovanie psihotropnyh rastenij bylo glavnym metodom
dona Huana pri obuchenii Vas magii. Kak Vy ponimaete mesto
psihotropikov v ego uchenii?
Kastaneda: Don Huan ispol'zoval psihotropnye rasteniya
tol'ko v nachal'nyj period moego uchenichestva, potomu chto ya byl
takim glupym, umudrennym opytom i petushistym. YA derzhalsya za
svoe opisanie mira tak, kak esli by ono bylo edinstvennoj
pravdoj. Psihotropiki sozdavali razryv v moej sisteme glossov.
Oni razrushali moyu dogmaticheskuyu uverennost'. No ya zaplatil
uzhasnuyu cenu. Kogda klej, kotoryj uderzhival vmeste moj mir, byl
rastvoren, moe telo bylo oslableno i ponadobilis' mesyacy dlya
vosstanovleniya sil. YA byl ozabochen i funkcioniroval na ochen'
nizkom urovne.
Kin: Don Huan regulyarno ispol'zuet psihotropnye preparaty
chtoby ostanavlivat' mir?
Kastaneda: Net. On mozhet ostanovit' ego po svoej vole. On
govoril mne, chto dlya menya pytat'sya videt' bez pomoshchi
psihotropnyh rastenij bylo by bespolezno. No esli by ya vel sebya
kak voin i prinimal by na sebya otvetstvennost', ya ne nuzhdalsya
by v nih, oni by tol'ko oslablyali moe telo.
Kin: |to dolzhno okazat'sya prosto shokom dlya mnogih Vashih
poklonnikov. Vy yavlyaetes' chem-to vrode glavnogo svyatogo dlya
psihodelicheskoj revolyucii.
Kastaneda: U menya est' posledovateli, a u nih est'
kakie-to strannye idei naschet menya. Odnazhdy ya shel na lekciyu,
kotoruyu ya daval v Kalifornii, Long Bich i odin paren', kotoryj
menya znal, ukazal na menya svoej podruzhke i skazal: "|j, smotri,
eto Kastaneda". Ona ne poverila emu, potomu chto u nee byla
ideya o tom, chto ya dolzhen byt' ochen' misticheskim. Odin drug
sobral nekotorye iz istorij, kotorye hodyat obo mne. I vo vseh
soobshchaetsya, chto u menya misticheskie stupni.
Kin: Misticheskie stupni?
Kastaneda: Da, chto ya hozhu bosikom kak Isus i u menya net
mozolej. Schitaetsya, chto menya pobivali kamnyami mnogo raz. YA
takzhe sovershil suicid i umer v neskol'kih razlichnyh mestah.
Moi odnoklassniki po kolledzhu pochti zakapriznichali,
kogda ya nachal govorit' o fenomenologii i chlenstve i izuchat'
vospriyatie i socializaciyu. Oni hoteli, chtoby im veleli
rasslabit'sya, otklyuchit'sya i chtoby im vysmorkali mozgi. No dlya
menya vazhno ponimanie.
Kin: Sluhi poyavlyayutsya v informacionnom vakuume. My znaem
koe-chto o done Huane, no slishkom malo o Kastanede.
Kastaneda: |to namerenno vystroennaya chast' zhizni voina.
CHtoby proskal'zyvat' v drugie miry i obratno, nuzhno ostavat'sya
nepredskazuemym. CHem bol'she vas znayut i uznayut, tem bol'she
urezaetsya vasha svoboda. Kogda u lyudej est' opredelennye idei o
tom, kto vy i kak vy budete dejstvovat', vy ne smozhete i
poshevel'nut'sya. Odna iz samyh rannih veshchej, kotorym don Huan
nauchil menya, eto chto ya dolzhen steret' moyu lichnuyu istoriyu. Esli
malo-pomalu vy sozdaete tuman vokrug sebya, to vas ne budut
prinimat' kak samo soboj razumeyushcheesya i u vas budet bol'she
mesta dlya izmeneniya. Po etoj prichine ya izbegayu zapisyvat'sya na
plenku, kogda chitayu lekcii i fotografirovat'sya.
Kin: Mozhet byt', my mozhem byt' lichnymi bez togo, chtoby
byt' istoricheskimi. Vy teper' minimiziruete vazhnost'
psihodelicheskogo opyta, svyazannogo s vashim uchenichestvom. No
pohozhe, chto Vy ne obhodite storonoj te tryuki, kotorye Vy
opisyvaete kak imushchestvo maga. Kakie elementy tehnik dona Huana
vazhny dlya Vas?
Kastaneda: Dlya menya idei byt' voinom i chelovekom znaniya, s
nadezhdoj pri izvestnyh obstoyatel'stvah byt' sposobnym
ostanavlivat' mir i videt', yavlyayutsya samymi podhodyashchimi. Oni
dali mne mir i uverennost' v moej sposobnosti upravlyat' svoej
zhizn'yu. V to vremya, kogda ya vstretil dona Huana, u menya bylo
ochen' malo lichnoj sily. Moya zhizn' byla ochen' neustojchivoj. YA
prodelal dlinnyj put' ot mesta, gde ya rodilsya, v Brazilii.
Vneshne ya byl ochen' agressivnym i petushistym, no vnutri ya byl
nereshitel'nym i neuverennym v sebe. YA vsegda sozdaval sebe
opravdaniya. Don Huan odnazhdy obvinil menya v tom, chto ya
professional'nyj rebenok, potomu chto ya byl nastol'ko polon
zhalosti k sebe. YA pochuvstvoval sebya kak list na vetru. Kak
mnogie intellektualy, ya byl pripert k stene. Mne nekuda bylo
idti. YA ne videl nikakogo puti v zhizni, kotoryj by menya real'no
uvlekal. YA schital, chto vse, chto ya mog sdelat', eto horosho
podstroit'sya k skuchnoj zhizni ili zhe najti bolee slozhnye formy
razvlecheniya, takie kak ispol'zovanie psihodelikov i marihuany i
seksual'nye priklyucheniya. Vse eto preuvelichivalos' moej
privychkoj k introspekcii. YA vse vremya glyadel vnutr' i
razgovarival sam s soboj. Vnutrennij dialog redko
ostanavlivalsya. Don Huan razvernul moi glaza naruzhu i nauchil
menya nakaplivat' lichnuyu silu.
YA ne dumayu, chto est' kakoj-nibud' drugoj obraz zhizni, esli
kto-to hochet zhit' radostno.
Kin: Pohozhe, chto on pojmal Vas starym filosofskim tryukom o
prisutstvii smerti pered glazami. YA byl porazhen tem, kakim
klassicheskim byl podhod dona Huana. YA uslyshal eho idei Platona
o tom, chto filosof dolzhen izuchat' smert' pered tem, kak obresti
lyuboj dostup k real'nomu miru i opredeleniya Martina Hajdeggera
cheloveka kak sushchestva, napravlennogo k smerti.
Kastaneda: Da, no podhod dona Huana obladaet neznakomym
izgibom, potomu chto on idet iz toj tradicii v magii, chto smert'
- eto fizicheskoe prisutstvie, kotoroe mozhno pochuvstvovat' i
uvidet'. Odin iz glossov magii takov: smert' stoit sleva ot
vas. Smert' yavlyaetsya besstrastnym sud'ej, kotoryj budet
govorit' vam pravdu i davat' tochnyj sovet. Krome togo, smert'
ne speshit. Ona voz'met vas zavtra ili na sleduyushchej nedele ili
cherez 50 let. Dlya nee eto vse ravno. V tot moment, kogda vy
vspominaete, chto dolzhny kogda-to umeret', vy privodites' k
pravil'nomu razmeru. YA dumayu, chto ne sdelal etu ideyu dostatochno
yarkoj. Gloss "smert' sleva ot vas" - ne intellektual'noe
ponyatie v magii; eto vospriyatie. Kogda vashe telo pravil'no
nastroeno na mir i vy skashivaete glaza vlevo vy mozhete zametit'
neobychnoe sobytie, tenepodobnoe prisutstvie smerti.
Kin: V ekzistencial'noj tradicii, obsuzhdenie
otvetstvennosti obychno sleduet za obsuzhdeniem smerti.
Kastaneda: Togda don Huan - horoshij ekzistencialist. Kogda
net sposoba uznat', est' li u menya eshche odna minuta zhizni, ya
dolzhen zhit', kak esli by eto byl moj poslednij moment. Kazhdoe
dejstvie - eto poslednyaya bitva voina. Tak chto vse dolzhno
delat'sya bezuprechno. Nichto ne mozhet byt' ostavleno ozhidat'
resheniya. |ta ideya yavlyaetsya dlya menya ochen' osvobozhdayushchej. YA
razgovarivayu zdes' s Vami i mogu nikogda ne vernut'sya v
Los-Andzheles. No eto ne imelo by znacheniya, potomu chto ya
pozabotilsya obo vsem pered tem, kak prijti.
Kin: |tot mir smerti i reshitel'nosti - dolgij put' ot
psihodelicheskih utopij, v kotoryh videnie beskonechnogo vremeni
razrushaet eto tragicheskoe kachestvo vybora.
Kastaneda: Kogda smert' stoit sleva ot vas, vy dolzhny
sozdavat' vash mir posledovatel'nost'yu reshenij. Ne byvaet
bol'shih ili malyh reshenij, tol'ko resheniya, kotorye dolzhny byt'
prinyaty sejchas.
I net vremeni dlya somnenij ili ugryznenij sovesti. Esli by
ya tratil svoe vremya, sozhaleya o tom, chto sdelal vchera, ya ushel by
ot teh reshenij, kotorye mne nuzhno prinyat' segodnya.
Kin: Kak don Huan uchil Vas byt' reshitel'nym?
Kastaneda: On govoril s moim telom pri pomoshchi svoih
dejstvij.Moj staryj sbosob byl ostavlyat' vse na potom i nikogda
nichego ne reshat'.Dlya menya resheniya byli bezobraznymi. Kazalos'
nechestnym, kogda chuvstvitel'nyj chelovek dolzhen reshat'. Odnazhdy
don Huan sprosil menya: "Ty dumaesh', my ravny?" YA byl studentom
universiteta i intellektualom, a on byl starym indejcem, no ya
snizoshel i skazal: "Konechno, my ravny". On skazal: "YA tak ne
dumayu. YA ohotnik i voin, a ty parazit. YA gotov podytozhit' moyu
zhizn' v lyuboj moment. Tvoj hilyj mir nereshitel'nosti i pechali
sovsem ne raven moemu". Nu, ya byl ochen' oskorblen i ushel by, no
my byli posredi pustyni. Tak chto ya uselsya i okazalsya pojmannym
v lovushku svoego ego. YA sobiralsya zhdat', poka on ne reshit pojti
domoj. CHerez mnogo chasov ya uvidel, chto don Huan ostalsya by tam
navsegda, esli by eto bylo nuzhno. Pochemu by i net? Dlya cheloveka
bez otlozhennyh del eto est' ego sila. YA nakonec ponyal, chto etot
chelovek sovsem ne byl pohozh na moego otca, kotoryj mog prinyat'
dvadcat' reshenij na Novyj god i otmenit' ih vse. Resheniya dona
Huana byli neotmenyaemymi, nastol'ko, naskol'ko on byl
v etom zainteresovan. Oni mogli otmenyat'sya tol'ko drugimi
resheniyami. Tak chto ya podoshel i prikosnulsya k nemu i on podnyalsya
i my poshli domoj. Sila vliyaniya etogo dejstviya byla ogromnoj.
|to ubedilo menya, chto put' voina - eto energichnyj i moshchnyj
sposob zhit'.
Kin: I soderzhanie resheniya ne stol' vazhno, kak samo
dejstvie, sovershaemoe iz prinyatiya resheniya.
Kastaneda: |to to, chto don Huan nazyvaet sdelat' zhest.
ZHest - eto namerennyj akt, kotoryj predprinimaetsya radi toj
sily, kotoraya prihodit iz prinyatiya resheniya. Naprimer, esli voin
nahodil zmeyu, kotoraya byla nepodvizhna i holodna, on mog
srazhat'sya za to, chtoby izobresti sposob perenesti ee v teploe
mesto bez togo, chtoby okazat'sya ukushennym. Voin mog by sdelat'
zhest prosto chert znaet zachem. No on vypolnyal by eto v
sovershenstve.
Kin: Pohozhe, chto est' mnogo parallelej mezhdu
ekzistencial'noj filosofiej i ucheniem dona Huana. To, chto vy
skazali o reshenii i o zheste podrazumevaet, chto don Huan, kak
Nicshe ili Sartr, verit, chto volya, a ne razum yavlyaetsya samoj
fundamental'noj sposobnost'yu cheloveka.
Kastaneda: YA dumayu, chto eto verno. Pozvol'te mne govorit'
za samogo sebya. CHto ya hochu sdelat' i vozmozhno, smogu vypolnit',
eto zabrat' kontrol' u svoego rassudka. Moj um nahodilsya pod
kontrolem vsyu moyu zhizn' i eto ubilo by menya skoree, chem poterya
kontrolya. V kakoj-to moment moego uchenichestva ya stal gluboko
depressivnym. YA byl oshelomlen uzhasom i unyniem i myslyami o
suicide. Togda don Huan predupredil menya, chto eto byl odin iz
tryukov rassudka, chtoby uderzhat' kontrol'. On skazal, chto moj
rassudok zastavlyal moe telo chuvstvovat', chto net nikakogo
smysla v zhizni. Poskol'ku moj um vstupil v etu poslednyuyu bitvu
i proigral, rassudok stal zanimat' nadlezhashchee emu mesto, kak
instrument tela.
Kin: "U serdca est' svoi dovody, neizvestnye razumu", i
tak zhe i u vsego tela.
Kastaneda: V etom vse i delo. Telo obladaet svoej
sobstvennoj volej. Ili, skoree, volya eto golos tela. Vot pochemu
don Huan posledovatel'no oblekal svoi tehniki v dramaticheskuyu
formu. Moj intellekt mog legko otbrosit' ego mir magii kak
nonsens. No moe telo bylo privlecheno k ego miru i obrazu zhizni.
I poskol'ku telo vzyalo verh, novyj i bolee zdorovyj obraz zhizni
byl dostignut.
Kin: Tehniki dona Huana po rabote so snami zainteresovali
menya, potomu chto oni vnushayut vozmozhnost' volevogo kontrolya
obrazov, vidimyh vo sne. Pohozhe, chto on predlagaet dostich'
postoyannogo, stabil'nogo nablyudeniya v predelah vnutrennego
prostranstva. Rasskazhite mne o trenirovke snovideniya dona Huana.
Kastaneda: Osnovnoj tryuk v snovidenii - uderzhivat' obrazy,
vidimye vo sne dostatochno dolgo chtoby tshchatel'no ih rassmotret'.
CHtoby obresti etot vid kontrolya, vam nuzhno zaranee vybrat'
kakuyu-nibud' odnu veshch' i nauchit'sya nahodit' ee v vashih snah.
Don Huan predlagal, chtoby ya ispol'zoval svoi ruki kak tochku
otscheta i perehodil tuda i syuda mezhdu nimi i obrazami. CHerez
neskol'ko mesyacev ya nauchilsya nahodit' svoi ruki i ostanavlivat'
snovidenie. YA byl nastol'ko ocharovan etoj tehnikoj, chto s
trudom mog dozhdat'sya vremeni chtoby pojti spat'.
Kin: Pohozha li ostanovka obrazov vo sne na ostanovku mira?
Kastaneda: Oni pohozhi. No est' razlichiya. Kak tol'ko vy
stanovites' sposobny nahodit' vashi ruki po vashej vole, vy
obnaruzhivaete, chto eto tol'ko tehnika. To chto vy poluchaete -
eto kontrol'. CHelovek znaniya dolzhen nakaplivat' lichnuyu silu. No
etogo nedostatochno, chtoby ostanavlivat' mir. Neobhodimo koe-chto
ostavit'. Vy dolzhny prervat' boltovnyu, kotoraya idet v vashem ume
i sdat'sya vneshnemu miru.
Kin: Iz mnozhestva tehnik, kotorym don Huan uchil Vas, chtoby
ostanavlivat' mir, kakie iz nih Vy prodolzhaete praktikovat'?
Kastaneda: Sejchas moya osnovnaya disciplina - eto razryvat'
moi shablony. YA vsegda byl ochen' zashablonennoj lichnost'yu. YA el i
spal po raspisaniyu. V 1965 ya nachal menyat' svoi privychki. YA
pisal v tihie nochnye chasy i spal i el togda, kogda chuvstvoval v
etom nuzhdu. K nastoyashchemu vremeni ya izbavilsya ot takogo
mnozhestva moih privychnyh sposobov dejstviya, chto skoro ya mogu
stat' nepredskazuemym i neozhidannym dazhe dlya samogo sebya.
Kin: Vasha disciplina napominaet mne dzenskuyu istoriyu o
dvuh uchenikah, hvastavshihsya chudesnymi silami. Odin uchenik
zayavlyal, chto osnovatel' sekty, k kotoroj on prinadlezhal, mog
stoyat' na odnoj storone reki i pisat' imya Buddy na liste
bumagi, kotoryj derzhal ego pomoshchnik na protivopolozhnom beregu.
Vtoroj uchenik otvetil, chto takoe chudo ne vpechatlyaet. "Moe
chudo", skazal on, "v tom, chto kogda ya chuvstvuyu golod, to ya em,
a kogda chuvstvuyu zhazhdu, to p'yu".
Kastaneda: |to i byl tot element vstupleniya v mir, kotoryj
uderzhal menya na puti, kotoryj don Huan pokazal mne. Net nuzhdy
prevoshodit', transcendirovat' mir. Vse, chto nam nuzhno znat',
nahodit'sya pryamo pered nami, esli my udelim vnimanie. Esli vy
vhodite v sostoyanie neobychnoj real'nosti, kak pri ispol'zovanii
psihotropnyh rastenij, to eto tol'ko dlya togo, chtoby otstupit'
nazad i uvidet' to, chto vam nuzhno - chudesnuyu sushchnost' obychnoj
real'nosti. Dlya menya obraz zhizni - put' s serdcem - ne
introspekciya ili misticheskaya transcendenciya, a prisutstvie v
mire. |tot mir - ohotnich'ya zemlya voina.
Kin: Mir, narisovannyj Vami i donom Huanom polon volshebnyh
kojotov, zakoldovannyh voron i prekrasnyh magov. Legko ponyat',
kak on mog pokorit' Vas. No kak naschet mira sovremennogo
gorozhanina? Gde magiya tam? Esli by my vse mogli zhit' v gorah,
to mogli by sohranit' chudo v zhivyh. No kak eto vozmozhno, kogda
my napolovinu sostoim iz shuma shosse?
Kastaneda: YA odnazhdy zadal donu Huanu tot zhe samyj vopros.
My sideli v kafe v YUme i ya nastaival, chto mog by ostanovit' mir
i videt', esli by otpravilsya zhit' v glushi s nim. On posmotrel v
okno na proezzhayushchie mashiny i skazal: "Vot tam, eto i est' tvoj
mir". Sejchas ya zhivu v Los-Andzhelese i nahozhu, chto mogu
ispol'zovat' etot mir, chtoby soglasovat' svoi nuzhdy. |to vyzov
- zhit' bez ustanovlennyh shablonov v shablonnom mire. No eto
mozhet byt' sdelano.
Kin: Takoj uroven' shuma i postoyannoe davlenie lyudskih mass
vyglyadit razrushayushchim tishinu i odinochestvo, kotorye byli by
neobhodimy dlya togo, chtoby ostanovit' mir.
Kastaneda: Vovse net. Na samom dele, etot shum mozhno
ispol'zovat'. Vy mozhete ispol'zovat' zhuzhzhanie shosse, chtoby
uchit'sya slushat' vneshnij mir. Kogda my ostanavlivaem mir, to
ostanavlivaemyj mir - eto tot, kotoryj my obychno podderzhivaem
svoim postoyannym vnutrennim dialogom. Raz vy mozhete ostanovit'
vnutrennee bormotanie, vy perestaete podderzhivat' vash staryj
mir. Opisaniya rushatsya. Vot togda nachinaetsya izmenenie lichnosti.
Kogda vy koncentriruetes' na zvukah, to obnaruzhivaete, chto
mozgu trudno kategorizirovat' vse zvuki i vskore vy ostavlyaete
eti popytki. |to ne pohozhe na vizual'noe vospriyatie, kotoroe
uderzhivaet nas formiruyushchimi kategorii i myshlenie. |to tak
uspokoitel'no, kogda vy mozhete otklyuchit' razgovory,
kategorizirovanie i suzhdenie.
Kin: Vnutrennij mir menyaetsya, no kak naschet vneshnego? My
mozhem revolyucionizirovat' individual'noe soznanie, no vse eshche
ne kasaemsya teh social'nyh struktur, kotorye sozdayut nashe
otchuzhdenie. Est' li kakoe-libo mesto dlya obshchestvennoj ili
politicheskoj reformy v Vashem myshlenii?
Kastaneda: YA rodom iz Latinskoj Ameriki, gde intellektualy
vsegda govorili o social'noj i politicheskoj revolyucii i gde
bylo brosheno mnozhestvo bomb. No revolyuciya ne mnogo peremenila.
Ne ochen' mnogo nuzhno, chtoby razbombit' zdanie, no chtoby brosit'
kurit' ili perestat' byt' ozabochennym ili ostanovit' vnutrennyuyu
boltovnyu, vam nuzhno peredelyvat' sebya. Vot gde nachinayutsya
nastoyashchie reformy. Don Huan i ya nedavno byli v Taksone, kogda
tam provodilas' Nedelya Zemli. Kakoj-to chelovek provodil lekciyu
po ekologii i bedstviyah vojny vo V'etname. On vse vremya kuril.
Don Huan skazal: "YA ne mogu sebe predstavit', chto on zabotitsya
o telah drugih lyudej, kogda emu ne nravitsya svoe sobstvennoe".
Nasha pervaya zabota dolzhna byt' o samih sebe. Mne mogut
nravit'sya moi znakomye tol'ko kogda ya na pike energii i ne v
depressii. CHtoby byt' v etom sostoyanii, ya dolzhen soderzhat' moe
telo v poryadke. Lyubaya revolyuciya dolzhna nachinat'sya zdes', v etom
tele. YA mogu izmenit' moyu kul'turu, no tol'ko iznutri takogo
tela, kotoroe bezuprechno nastroeno na etot sverh容stestvennyj
mir. Dlya menya nastoyashchaya obrazovannost' - eto iskusstvo byt'
voinom, kotoroe, kak govorit don Huan, yavlyaetsya edinstvennym
sposobom sbalansirovat' uzhas byt' chelovekom s voshishcheniem byt'
chelovekom.
Sam Keen: Castaneda Interview. 1976
---------------------------------------------------------------
Source: "Seeing Castaneda" (1976) reprinted from "Psychology Today", 1972.
---------------------------------------------------------------
SAM KEEN: As I followed don Juan through your three books, I
suspected, at times, that he was the creation of Carlos Castaneda. He
is almost to good to be true--a wise old Indian whose knowledge of
human nature is superior to almost everybody's.
CARLOS CASTANEDA: The idea that I concocted a person like don Juan
is inconceivable. He is hardly the kind of figure my European
intellectual tradition would have led me to invent. The truth is much
stranger. I wasn't even prepared to make the changes in my life that my
association with don Juan involved.
KEEN: How and where did you meet don Juan and become his
apprentice?
CASTANEDA: I was finishing my undergraduate study at UCLA and
was planning to go to graduate school in anthropology. I was
interested in becoming a professor and thought I might begin in the
proper way by publishing a short paper on medicinal plants. I
couldn't have cared less about finding a weirdo like don Juan. I was
in a bus depot in Arizona with a high-school friend of mine. He
pointed out an old Indian man to me and said he knew about peyote and
medicinal plants. I put on my best airs and introduced myself to don
Juan and said: "I understand you know a great deal about peyote. I am
one of the experts on peyote (I had read Weston La Barre's __The Peyote
Cult__) and it might be worth your while to have lunch and talk with
me." Well, he just looked at me and my bravado melted. I was
absolutely tongue-tied and numb. I was usually very aggressive and
verbal so it was a momentous affair to be silenced by a look. After
that I began to visit him and about a year later he told me he had
decided to pass on to me the knowledge of sorcery he had learned from
his teacher.
KEEN: Then don Juan is not an isolated phenomenon. Is there a
community of sorcerers that shares a secret knowledge?
CASTANEDA: Certainly. I know three sorcerers and seven
apprentices and there are many more. If you read the history of the
Spanish conquest of Mexico, you will find that the Catholic
inquisitors tried to stamp out sorcery because they considered it the
work of the devil. It has been around for many hundreds of years.
Most of the techniques don Juan taught me are very old.
KEEN: Some of the techniques that sorcerers use are in wide
use in other occult groups. Persons often use dreams to find lost
articles, and they go on out-of-the-body journeys in their sleep. But
when you told how don Juan and his friend don Genero made your car
disappear in broad daylight I could only scratch my head. I know that
a hypnotist can create an illusion of the presence or absence of an
object. Do you think you were hypnotized?
CASTANEDA: Perhaps, something like that. But we have to begin
by realizing, as don Juan says, that there is much more to the world
than we usually acknowledge. Our normal expectations about reality
are created by a social consensus. We are taught how to see and
understand the world. The trick of socialization is to convince us
that the descriptions we agree upon define the limits of the real
world. What we call reality is only one way of seeing the world, a
way that is supported by a social consensus.
KEEN: Then a sorcerer, like a hypnotist, creates an
alternative world by building up different expectations and
manipulating cues to produce a social consensus.
CASTANEDA: Exactly. I have come to understand sorcery in
terms of Talcott Parsons' idea of glosses. A gloss is a total system
of perception and language. For instance, this room is a gloss. We
have lumped together a series of isolated perceptions--floor, ceiling,
window, lights, rugs, etc.--to make a totality. But we had to be
taught to put the world together in this way. A child reconnoiters
the world with few preconceptions until he is taught to see things in
a way that corresponds to the descriptions everybody agrees on. The
world is an agreement. The system of glossing seems to be somewhat
like walking. We have to learn to walk, but once we learn we are
subject to the syntax of language and the mode of perception it contains.
KEEN: So sorcery, like art, teaches a new system of glossing.
When, for instance, van Gogh broke with the artistic tradition and
painted "The Starry Night" he was in effect saying: here is a new way
of looking at things. Stars are alive and they whirl around in their
energy field.
CASTANEDA: Partly. But there is a difference. An artist
usually just rearranges the old glosses that are proper to his
membership. Membership consists of being an expert in the innuendoes
of meaning that are contained within a culture. For instance, my
primary membership like most educated Western men was in the European
intellectual world. You can't break out of one membership without
being introduced into another. You can only rearrange the glosses.
KEEN: Was don Juan resocializing you or desocializing you?
Was he teaching you a new system of meanings or only a method of
stripping off the old system so that you might see the world as a
wondering child?
CASTANEDA: Don Juan and I disagree about this. I say he was
reglossing me and he says he was deglossing me. By t