Eugeny L.Schwarz. Dragon --------------------------------------------------------------- © Copyright Eugeny Schwarz © Copyright 2001 english translation Yuri Machkasov (machkasov@yahoo.com) Origin: Evgenij Shvarts "Drakon" ¡ drakon.txt --------------------------------------------------------------- A fairy tale in 3 acts. Translated from Russian by Yuri Machkasov. Copyright © 2001, Yuri Machkasov. Permission to distribute this work in its entirety or any of its parts by any and all electronic means (including, but not limited to creating local electronic copies, hosting on public servers and transmitting over networks and protocols) is hereby granted on condition that the work itself as well as this notice appear unchanged in any such distribution. All other rights reserved. The author may be contacted by means of electronic mail at machkasov@yahoo.com. All rights to the Russian original are not intended to be usurped or infringed upon by this translation and remain property of the corresponding copyright holders, or in public domain as the case may be. Cast of characters: Dragon. Lancelot. Charlemagne - the archivist. Elsa - his daughter. Burgomaster. Heinrich - his son. Cat. Mule. 1[st] Weaver. 2[nd] Weaver. Hatter. Luthier. Blacksmith. Elsa's 1[st] girlfriend. Elsa's 2[nd] girlfriend. Elsa's 3[rd] girlfriend. Sentry. Gardener. 1[st] Townsman. 2[nd] Townsman. 1[st] Townswoman. 2[nd] Townswoman. Boy. Peddler. Warden. Servants, guards, townspeople. Act 1. A spacious, cozy kitchen, with a big hearth in the back. The stone floor is shining. On the easy chair in front of the hearth Cat is napping. Lancelot (entering, looks around, calls out) Master! Mistress! Is there a living soul around here? Nobody's home... The house is empty, the gate is open, the doors are unlocked, windows ajar. Good thing I'm an honest person, otherwise I would've had to sneak around, tremble, grab what's valuable and get out fast -- just when I want to rest a little. (Sits down.) All right, we'll wait. Mister Cat! Are your masters going to be back soon? Huh? Keeping quiet, are you? Cat. I am. Lancelot. And why is that, if I may be permitted to inquire? Cat. When it's soft and warm around you, it's wiser to slumber and keep your mouth shut, my dear friend. Lancelot. Still, where are your masters? Cat. They went out, which is most pleasant. Lancelot. So, you don't like them? Cat. I love them with every hair in my fur, and with my paws and my whiskers, but there is a big tragedy upon them. I have peace in my soul only when they go out the door. Lancelot. I see. So there's trouble coming up? What kind? Are you keeping hush again? Cat. I am. Lancelot. Why? Cat. When it's soft and warm around you, it's wiser to slumber and keep your mouth shut, rather than concern yourself with future unpleasantness. Mew! Lancelot. Hey, Cat, are you trying to scare me? It's so cozy here in this kitchen, the fire in the hearth has been built so lovingly. I refuse to believe that this nice house is being threatened. Cat! What's going on here? Answer me! Now! Cat. Why don't you let me doze off, stranger. Lancelot. Listen, Cat, you don't know me. I'm a very light person -- so light that I've been drifting all over the world like a feather. And I easily stick my nose into other people's troubles. That got me wounded 19 times lightly, 5 times heavily and three times -- mortally. But I'm still alive, because I'm not only light as a feather, but also stubborn as a mule. Now tell me, Cat, what happened here? What if I could rescue your masters? I've been known to do that, you know. So? Come on! What's your name? Cat. Marichen. Lancelot. I thought you were ... Cat. Well, I am, but these humans can sometimes be so inattentive. My masters are still wondering why is it that I haven't had kittens yet. They keep saying: "What's wrong, Marichen?". Those dear, poor people! And there's not a word more out of me. Lancelot. All right, just tell me who they are, your masters. Cat. Mister Archivist Charlemagne and his only daughter, the one with such gentle paws, the lovely, dear, soft Elsa. Lancelot. And which one of them is in trouble? Cat. Ah, she is -- and so are we all! Lancelot. And what is it? Come on! Cat. Meow! It is almost four hundred years now that there's a dragon living over our town. Lancelot. A dragon? Excellent! Cat. He imposed a tribute on the town. Every year the dragon selects a maiden. And we give her to him without so much as a meow. And he takes her to his cave. And we never see her again. It's said that they die there from disgust. Pfft! Off! Off you go! Ffff! Lancelot. Who? Cat. The dragon! He chose our Elsa! That cursed lizard! Lancelot. How many heads does he have? Cat. Three. Lancelot. Impressive. What about paws? Cat. Four. Lancelot. Well, that's decent. Talons? Cat. Sure. Five talons on each paw. Each one the size of an antler. Lancelot. You don't say! Are they sharp, those talons? Cat. Like knives. Lancelot. I see. How about breathing fire? Cat. That, too. Lancelot. Real fire? Cat. Burns the forest. Lancelot. Uh-huh. Has he got scales? Cat. He got scales. Lancelot. And them scales, tough, I gather? Cat. Solid. Lancelot. No, really, how tough? Cat. Couldn't cut'em with a diamond. Lancelot. I see. Size? Cat. Like a church. Lancelot. OK, I get the picture. Thanks, Cat. Cat. Are you going to fight him? Lancelot. We'll see. Cat. I'm begging you -- please challenge him to a fight. He'll kill you, of course, but what with the commotion and all, we'd be able to dream in the meantime in front of the fireplace that by accident or by miracle, with something or other, maybe, possibly -- you'd kill him too. Lancelot. Thanks much, Cat. Cat. Get up. Lancelot. What is it? Cat. They're coming. Lancelot. I wish I'd like her, if only I would like her! This usually helps so much ... (Looks out the window). I do like her! Hey, Cat, she's a very sweet girl! What's that? Cat! She's smiling? She's completely calm! And her father is smiling happily. You tricked me! Cat. No. The saddest part of this story is exactly that they are both smiling. Quiet now. Good evening! To dinner, to dinner, my dear friends! Enter Elsa and Charlemagne. Lancelot. Good evening, kind sir and gentle lady. Charlemagne. Good evening, young man. Lancelot. Your house -- it was looking at me so invitingly, and the gates were open, and the fire was burning in the fireplace, so I let myself in. I apologize. Charlemagne. No apologies necessary. Our doors are open for everyone. Elsa. Please, sit down. Let me take your hat, I'll hang it by the door. The table will be ready in a minute... What is it? Lancelot. Nothing. Elsa. Why do I get a feeling that you are... afraid of me? Lancelot. No, no, no... It's just... Never mind. Charlemagne. Have a seat, my friend. I like strangers. That's probably because I've lived my entire life without ever venturing outside the town. Where do you come from? Lancelot. South. Charlemagne. I guess you had a lot of adventures along the way? Lancelot. Oh, more than I'd wish for. Elsa. You must be really tired. Do sit down. Why are you standing? Lancelot. Thank you. Charlemagne. You can have a wonderful rest with us. This is a very quiet town. Nothing ever happens here. Lancelot. Never? Charlemagne. Never. Well, last week we had some very strong winds. The roof of one house was nearly blown off. But this is not such a big deal, is it? Elsa. Here's the dinner. Come, please. What's wrong? Lancelot. Excuse me, but... You're saying that this is a very quiet town? Elsa. Of course. Lancelot. What about... the dragon? Charlemagne. Oh, that... But we've grown so accustomed to him. He's lived with us for four hundred years now. Lancelot. But... I was told that your daughter... Elsa. Mister stranger, sir... Lancelot. My name is Lancelot. Elsa. Mr. Lancelot, I beg your pardon, it's not that I am trying to reprimand you, not at all, but please, I am asking you not to speak of this anymore. Lancelot. Why? Elsa. Because there's nothing that can be done about it. Lancelot. You think so? Charlemagne. Yes, nothing can be done here. We just had a walk in the woods, and we discussed everything so nicely, so precisely. Tomorrow, as soon as the dragon takes her away, I'll die too. Elsa. Daddy, please don't talk about this. Charlemagne. Yes, yes, that's all. Lancelot. I am sorry. If I may be allowed just one more question: didn't anyone try to fight him? Charlemagne. Not in the last two hundred years. Before that, he was fought a lot, but he would kill all his adversaries. He's an amazing strategist and a great tactician. He attacks the enemy unawares, pelting him with stones from above, then swoops straight down, right on top of the horse's head, and beats it with fire -- which totally demoralizes the poor beast. Then he rips the horseman apart with his claws. Well, in time, they finally stopped going against him. Lancelot. Didn't you try going with entire town? Charlemagne. Of course we did. Lancelot. And? Charlemagne. He torched the suburbs and driven half the population mad with poisonous smoke. I told you this is a great warrior. Elsa. Please, do take more butter. Lancelot. Yes, I think I will. I need to restore my strength. So, I apologize for asking so many questions, but -- nobody even tries to go against the dragon anymore? He's grown completely shameless? Charlemagne. Oh no! Not at all! He's so kind! Lancelot. Kind? Charlemagne. I assure you. When the town was under the threat of a cholera epidemic, upon the pleading of the town doctor he breathed fire on the lake and thus boiled it. The entire town drank boiled water, which saved us from the epidemic. Lancelot. Was that long time ago? Charlemagne. Oh no. It's been only eighty two years. Good deeds you don't forget, do you? Lancelot. What other good deeds did your dragon accomplish? Charlemagne. He rid us of gypsies. Lancelot. But gypsies are very sweet people. Charlemagne. What! I'm speechless! I admit, I've never seen a single gypsy in my life. But even in elementary school they taught us that these are horrible people. Lancelot. Why is that? Charlemagne. They are vagrants by nature. It's in their blood. They are an enemy of any organized state -- or they long would have settled down, instead of drifting here and there. Their songs are without courage, and their ideas are destructive. They steal children. They sneak everywhere. Now we have completely cleansed ourselves of them, but as recently as a hundred years ago any brunette had to prove he did not have gypsy blood in him. Lancelot. And who told you all that about gypsies? Charlemagne. Our dragon, of course. Gypsies would challenge him blatantly in the first years of his rule. Lancelot. Now there's a nice, impatient people. Charlemagne. Don't. Please don't say that. Lancelot. That dragon of yours, what does he eat? Charlemagne. Our town delivers a thousand cows, two thousand sheep, five thousand chickens and eighty pounds of salt a month. In summer and fall, there's also ten acres of lettuce, asparagus and cauliflower added to that. Lancelot. He's eating you around! Charlemagne. Not at all! We're not complaining. How else can it be? As long as he's here, no other dragons would dare touch us. Lancelot. My guess is all the others are long gone. Charlemagne. And what if they aren't? Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own. That's enough of him, please. Why don't you tell us something really interesting instead? Lancelot. All right. Do you know what the Book of Sorrows is? Elsa. No. Lancelot. Now you will. Five years' walk from here, in the Black Mountains, there's an enormous cave. There's a book lying in this cave, filled up to half. Nobody touches it, but page after page gets added to the ones written before, added every day. Who writes them, you ask? The world! The mountains, the grass, the stones, the trees, the rivers -- they all see what people are doing. All the crimes are known to them, all the suffering of innocents. From branch to branch, from drop to drop, from cloud to cloud the human sorrows reach the cave in the Black mountains, and the book grows with them. If there weren't this book in the world, all trees would die from longing, and water would become bitter. Who is this book being written for? For me. Elsa. For you? Lancelot. For us. For me and few others. We are light and watchful people. We discovered that there is such a book, and took pains to reach it. And whoever glances into this book once will never have peace again. What a sorrowful book it is! The complaints cannot lay unanswered. And we answer them. Elsa. How? Lancelot. We insert ourselves in other people's business. We help those in need of help. We destroy those who need to be destroyed. Do you need help? Elsa. What help? Charlemagne. How can you help us? Cat. Mew! Lancelot. Three times I have been mortally wounded, and all of those by the people I was trying to save against their will. But even though you aren't asking me to do it, I will challenge the dragon to a fight! Elsa, do you hear? Elsa. No, please! He will kill you, and that would poison the last hours of my life! Cat. Meow! Lancelot. I am going to challenge the dragon! A sound is heard that is growing in intensity -- whistling, noise, howling. The windows are clattering. Purple glow is seen behind them. Cat. Speak of the devil! Howling and whistling suddenly stop. There is a loud knock on the door. Charlemagne. Come in! Enter Butler dressed in a lavish livery. Butler. Sir dragon. Charlemagne. Our pleasure. Butler swings the door wide open. Pause. Then an elderly, gray but sturdy, rather youngish-looking man with a military air about him walks in. His hair is in a crewcut. He's in no hurry, smiling widely. In general his manner, while blunt, is not without charm. He's slightly hard of hearing. Man. How's it going, guys. Hi, Elsa, honey. You've got yourselves a guest. Who is it now? Charlemagne. That's a stranger. Just passing by. Man. What? Report loudly and precisely, as a soldier should. Charlemagne. He is a stranger! Man. Is he a gypsy? Charlemagne. No, no! He's a very nice person. Man. What? Charlemagne. Nice man. Man. Good. Stranger! Why aren't you looking at me? What's with staring at the door? Lancelot. I'm waiting for the dragon to come in. Man. Ha! I'm the dragon. Lancelot. You are? And I've heard -- three heads, talons, huge size... Dragon. I'm just plain Jane today. No ranks, y'know. Charlemagne. Sir dragon has been living among humans for so long that he turns into one himself from time to time, and drops by for a friendly visit. Dragon. Yes. Friends indeed, my dear Charlemagne. In fact, I am even more than a friend to all of you. I am your childhood friend. Not even that, I am a childhood friend of your father's, and your grandfather's, and your great-grandfather's. Why, I even remember your great-great-grandfather in diapers. Darn! A wayward tear. Ha! The stranger is gawking. Didn't expect such feelings from me, did you? Did you? Lost your wits, you son of a bitch. Well, well. That's OK. Ha! Elsa! Elsa. Yes, sir dragon. Dragon. Give me your paw. Elsa gives Dragon her hand You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile. Right. What's that, stranger? Huh? Lancelot. Admiring the view. Dragon. Good. Now that's a honest soldier's reply. Carry on. We're simple people here, stranger. Like in the military. "I don't know but I've been told...". Grab a bite! Lancelot. Thank you. I'm full. Dragon. That's all right. Eat anyway. What'cha doin' here? Lancelot. Business. Dragon. Huh? Lancelot. Business. Dragon. What kind of business? Come on, spill it. Huh? Maybe I'll help you, y'know. What did you come here for? Lancelot. To kill you. Dragon. Louder! Elsa. No! He's joking! Would you like to hold my hand again, sir dragon? Dragon. Wha? Lancelot. I am challenging you to a fight, do you hear? Dragon stands silent, fuming. Lancelot. I am challenging you for the third time, hear? A deafening, horrible triple howl is heard. Despite all its might, it is not without certain musical quality. There is nothing human in this howl. This is the Dragon screaming, stomping his feet, fists clenched. Dragon. (Suddenly cutting the howl short; very calmly) You idiot. Well? Wanna say anything? Scared? Lancelot. No. Dragon. No? Lancelot. No. Dragon. All right, then. (With a slight shrug of his shoulders suddenly completely transforms himself. There's a new head on his shoulders; the old one vanished without a trace. A somber, reserved, highbrowed, narrow-faced graying blond man is standing in front of Lancelot.) Cat. Don't be afraid, my dear Lancelot. He's got three noggins, so he just swaps them when he pleases. Dragon. (his voice changed just as his face did. Quietly and dryly.) Is your name Lancelot? Lancelot. Yes. Dragon. Are you a descendant of the infamous itinerant knight named Lancelot? Lancelot. He is my distant relative. Dragon. I accept your challenge. Itinerant knights are like gypsies. You need to be exterminated. Lancelot. I won't let you. Dragon. I have exterminated: eight hundred and nine knights, nine hundred and five men of undetermined social status, one old drunkard, two loonies, two women -- a mother and an aunt of the girls I have chosen, and one adolescent boy of twelve -- a brother of similar girl. This list has also been extended by six armies and five rebellious mobs. Please have a seat. Lancelot. (Sits.) Thank you. Dragon. Do you smoke? You may smoke now. Lancelot. Thank you. (Takes out a pipe, starts filling it leisurely with tobacco). Dragon. Do you know on which day I was born? Lancelot. Wretched? Dragon. The day of a great battle. That day Attila himself was defeated -- you understand, of course, how many warriors had to be slain for that to happen? The ground was soaked with blood. The leaves on the trees turned brown by midnight. By dawn the huge black mushrooms, which they call Gravediggers, sprang up under the trees. And after them, I slithered out from under the ground. I am the offspring of war. I am war. My veins flow with the blood of the dead Huns. This is cold blood. When in battle, I am cold, composed and precise. At the word "precise" Dragon makes a slight movement with his hand. A thread of flame shoots out of his index finger. It lights up the tobacco in the pipe that Lancelot have filled. Lancelot. Appreciate it. (Draws on the pipe with contentment.) Dragon. You are against me, consequently, you are against war. Lancelot. Not at all. I have been at war for most of my life. Dragon. You are an outsider, and we have learned to understand each other from ancient times here. The entire town shall look at you with dread and rejoice at your downfall. It will be a demise without honor. Do you understand? Lancelot. No. Dragon. I can see you are still resolute. Lancelot. Even more so. Dragon. You are a worthy opponent. Lancelot. Thank you. Dragon. I will fight you in earnest. Lancelot. Excellent. Dragon. This means I am going to kill you immediately. Here. Right now. Lancelot. But I am unarmed! Dragon. Would you have liked me to give you enough time to arm yourself? No. I told you I was going to fight you in earnest. Elsa, please fetch a broom! Elsa. What for? Dragon. I will presently incinerate this man, and you will sweep his ashes out. Lancelot. Are you scared of me? Dragon. I am unfamiliar with fear. Lancelot. Why are you in such a hurry then? Give me until tomorrow. I'll pick weapons, and we will meet on the battlefield. Dragon. Why would I want to do that? Lancelot. So that people do not think you a coward. Dragon. People will know nothing of this. These two will keep their mouths shut. You are going to die now -- bravely, quietly and disgracefully. (Raises his hand.) Charlemagne. Hold it! Dragon. What is it? Charlemagne. You cannot kill him. Dragon. What do you mean? Charlemagne. Do not be angry, I implore you -- you know I am loyal to you with all of my soul. But I am still an archivist. Dragon. What does your position has to do with anything? Charlemagne. I am in possession of a certain document signed by you three hundred and eighty two years ago. This document had never been rescinded. You see, I am not protesting -- I am just refreshing your memory. It is signed, "Dragon". Dragon. What of it? Charlemagne. After all, she is my daughter. I am allowed to wish for her to live longer, aren't I? This is only natural, isn't it? Dragon. To the point. Charlemagne. Be it how it may -- I object. You may not kill him. Anyone challenging you shall be secure until the day of the battle, so you write and affirm under oath. And the day of the battle shall be chosen not by you but by the one challenging you, so the document says and it is also affirmed under oath. And the town shall render him assistance, and no one will be punished -- this is also affirmed under oath. Dragon. When was this document written? Charlemagne. Three hundred and eighty two years ago. Dragon. I was a naïve, sentimental, inexperienced youth. Charlemagne. But the document has not been rescinded. Dragon. Big deal. Charlemagne. But the document... Dragon. Enough about documents. We are all adults here. Charlemagne. But you have signed. I can fetch the document real quick. Dragon. Stay where you are. Charlemagne. There came someone who is trying to save my girl. Loving one's children is OK. It is permitted. And being a good host -- it is also mostly permitted. Why are you looking at me so horribly? (Buries his face in his hands). Elsa. Daddy! Charlemagne. I protest! Dragon. All right. I'll eliminate the entire nest. Lancelot. And the whole world will know you're a coward! Dragon. How? Cat jumps out of the window in one leap. He is heard hissing from a distance. Cat. Everything, to everybody, I'll tell everything, you decrepit lizard! Dragon breaks into a howl again, it is as loud as before, but this time we distinctly hear moans, coughing and hissing in it. This is a huge ancient evil monster roaring. Dragon. (Suddenly cutting the roar short.) All right. We'll fight tomorrow, as requested. Departs quickly. Immediately loud whistling noise starts behind the door. Walls are shaking, the light blinks. The noise dies down in the distance. Charlemagne. He's gone. What have I done! Whatever have I done! The damned old egoist. I could not help myself! Elsa, are you angry with me? Elsa. No, of course not. Charlemagne. I suddenly feel very weak. Excuse me. I have to lie down. No, no, you should not accompany me. Stay with our guest. Entertain him with a conversation. He was so nice to us. Excuse me, I'll go now. Exit Charlemagne. Pause. Elsa. Why have you started all this? I am not blaming you, but everything was so clear, so decent. It is not at all frightening to die young. Everybody will grow old, and you won't. Lancelot. How can you say that! Even trees sigh when we bring them down. Elsa. I am not complaining. Lancelot. Don't you feel for your father? Elsa. But he will die exactly when he wants to. This is happiness, wouldn't you say? Lancelot. Wouldn't you miss your girlfriends? Elsa. No. If not for me, the dragon would have chosen one of them. Lancelot. What about your fiancée? Elsa. How did you know I had one? Lancelot. I could sense that. Won't it pain you to part with him? Elsa. But to console him, the dragon made Heinrich his personal secretary. Lancelot. I see. In this case, it is not such a tragedy to leave him after all. What about your town? Are you going to miss it? Elsa. But it is exactly for my town that I am dying. Lancelot. And does it just casually accept your sacrifice? Elsa. Oh no! I will perish on Sunday, but up until the next Tuesday the entire town will be in mourning. For three whole days nobody will eat any meat. And special rolls called "the poor girl" will be served with tea -- in honor of me. Lancelot. That's it? Elsa. What else can we do? Lancelot. Kill the dragon. Elsa. That is impossible. Lancelot. The dragon dislocated your soul, poisoned your mind and obscured your vision. We are going to fix all that. Elsa. Don't. If it is true what you just said about me, I am better off dead. Cat bursts in. Cat. Eight of my cat girlfriends and forty eight of my kittens ran all around town, telling everyone of the little skirmish we're going to have. Meow! Burgomaster himself is on his way here! Lancelot. Burgomaster? How lovely! Enter Burgomaster. Burgomaster. Hello, Elsa. Where's the stranger? Lancelot. Here I am. Burgomaster. First off, be a sport, speak softly, preferably without waving your hands, move slowly and above all don't look me in the eye. Lancelot. Why? Burgomaster. Because my nervous system is in awful condition, that's why. I am afflicted with all of the neurological and psychiatric disorders that exist in the world, and with three more on top of that which were previously unknown. You think maybe that being a burgomaster under the dragon is just a walk in the park? Lancelot. You'll get better once I kill the dragon. Burgomaster. Better? Ha! Better! Ha! Better! (has a hysteric attack. Drinks some water, calms down). The fact that you dared to challenge sir dragon is a disaster, that's what it is. The business was in top shape. Sir dragon, by using his considerable influence, was keeping my worthless punk of an assistant under control, and his entire gang of flour merchants along with him. Now everything is going to be messed up! Sir dragon is going to be preoccupied with the upcoming fight and will disregard the concerns of the town council -- just when we started to make progress! Lancelot. How I can get it into your head, you poor man -- I am going to save the town! Burgomaster. Town? Ha! Town! Ha! Town! (Drinks some water, calms down). My assistant is such a scoundrel that I will gladly sacrifice not one, but two towns if only I could get rid of him. Five dragons are better than one bastard like my assistant. I am begging you -- please leave? Pretty please? Lancelot. I won't. Burgomaster. Congratulations. I am having a cataleptic fit. (Goes rigid, with a bitter smile on his face). Lancelot. I save everybody! Understand? Burgomaster remains silent. Lancelot. Do you understand? Burgomaster remains silent. Lancelot sprays him with water. Burgomaster. No, I don't understand. Who asked you to pick a fight with him? Lancelot. The entire town wants that. Burgomaster. Oh really? Look out the window. The town's best people have assembled to ask you to get the hell out of here! Lancelot. And where are they? Burgomaster. There, beside that wall. See? Come closer, my friends! Lancelot. Why are they on tiptoes? Burgomaster. So as not to get on my nerves. My friends, let us all tell good Mr. Lancelot what is it we want of him. And one! Two! Three! Voices. Get away from us! Quickly! This instant! Lancelot steps away from the window. Burgomaster. See? Now, if you are a humane, intelligent person, you have to respect the will of the people. Lancelot. Not on your life! Burgomaster. Congratulations, I just went a bit crazy. (Puts one arm akimbo, bends the other one gracefully.) I am a teapot! Boil me! Lancelot. I think I know why these little people were running on tiptoes. Burgomaster. Oh? And why's that? Lancelot. So that they don't wake up real people. I am just going to have a little chat with them. (Runs out.) Burgomaster. Boil me! On the other hand, there isn't much he can do, right? One word from sir dragon, and we're going to lock him up in jail. Do not be concerned, my dear Elsa. At the appropriate moment, right on the clock, our dear dragon is going to lock you in his embrace. Rest assured. Elsa. I will. There is a knock on the door. Come in. Enter the same Butler that announced the arrival of the dragon. Burgomaster. Hello, sonny. Butler. Hello, father. Burgomaster. You're from him, right? There isn't going to be any fight, right? Have you brought an order to throw Lancelot in jail? Butler. Sir dragon has instructed: one -- schedule the fight for tomorrow; two -- provide Lancelot with weapons; three -- be a little more smart. Burgomaster. Congratulations. I have completely lost my marbles. Hello-o-o! Marbles! Where are you? Get out of there! Butler. I have been ordered to talk to Elsa in private. Burgomaster. I'm going, I'm going. (Departs hastily.) Butler. Hello, Elsa. Elsa. Hello, Heinrich. Heinrich. Are you hoping that Lancelot is going to save you? Elsa. No. Are you? Heinrich. Me neither. Elsa. What did the dragon want you to tell me? Heinrich. He wanted me to tell you that you have to kill Lancelot if it becomes necessary. Elsa. How? Heinrich. With a knife. Here it is. It is poisoned, by the way. Elsa. (horrified) But I don't want to! Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that he'd exterminate all of your girlfriends. Elsa. All right. Tell him I'll do my best. Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that any hesitation will be punished as insolence. Elsa. I hate you! Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that he knows how to reward loyal servants. Elsa. Lancelot will kill your dragon! Heinrich. And in response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you: "We'll see about that!" Curtains. Act 2. Town's central square. To the right there is the town hall with a tower, upon which an armed sentry is seen. In the back stands a huge somber brown building with no windows, but with an enormous cast iron door from foundation up to the roof. "No humans, no exception" is written on it in Gothic script. To the left -- a wide ancient wall. There is the town well in the middle with a gazebo and figured railings. Heinrich, without his livery, is shining the brass fittings on the cast iron door. Heinrich. (singing to himself) Old man dragon had a cow, e-i-e-i-o. He said "We'll see about that now", e-i-e-i-o... Puff the magic dragon said "Just wait and see"... Deep in my heart I do believe - we shall wait and see some day! Burgomaster runs out from the town hall. He is in a straightjacket. Burgomaster. Hello, sonny. Heinrich. Hello, father. I just wanted to know how it's going in there. Are you finished with the council meeting? Burgomaster. You wish! We have worked through the night only to agree on the agenda for the day. Heinrich. Tired, I'll bet? Burgomaster. What do you think? They had to change three straitjackets on me -- and that's in the last half hour. Maybe it's going to rain or something, but my blasted schizophrenia is especially nasty today. Delusions left and right. Hallucinations, fixations, you name it. (Yawns.) Got tobacco? Heinrich. Sure. Burgomaster. Untie me then, let's have a smoke. Heinrich unties father's straitjacket. They sit down together on the steps of the palace, lighting up. Heinrich. So, when are you going to decide the question of weapons? Burgomaster. What weapons? Heinrich. For Lancelot. Burgomaster. What Lancelot? Heinrich. What are you, nuts? Burgomaster. Of course I am. Now there's a good son for you. Give him a minute, and he completely forgets how deeply ill his father is. (screams) All you need is love! (calmly) If that's not a delusion, I don't know what is. Heinrich. It's OK, father. It'll pass. Burgomaster. Don't you think I know that? It's still unpleasant all the same. Heinrich. Listen here. I've got important news. Old man dragon is nervous. Burgomaster. Can't be! Heinrich. Trust me. The old timer fluttered around who knows where all through the night, wings be damned. Showed up his mugs at home only by dawn. And he reeked of fish like you won't believe, which only happens when he's worried. Burgomaster. I see. Heinrich. And I managed to find out the following. Our exalted serpent was fluttering all night exclusively to dig up the complete scoop on the good sir Lancelot. Burgomaster. No kidding. Heinrich. Don't know how, don't know where -- Himalayas or Mount Ararat, Scotland or Caucasus, but the old timer figured out that this Lancelot is a professional hero. I despise their kind. However, being a professional bad guy, our Puff obviously pays a certain attention to them. He was cursing, he was screeching, he was whining. Then grandpa sent for a little beer. After guzzling a barrel of his favorite beverage the dragon spread his webbed wings once more, and can still be seen jetting to and fro in the skies like a birdie. Doesn't this bother you? Burgomaster. Not in the least. Heinrich. Tell me, daddy. You're older than I am... More experienced... Tell me, what do you think of the upcoming battle? Answer me. Is it possible that Lancelot... Straight answer, please, without all those canned pleasantries -- is it possible that Lancelot could win? Daddy? Please? Burgomaster. My pleasure, sonny. I'll give you a simple, straight answer, right from the bottom of my soul. You see, my little one, I have grown, you know, so truly fond of our dear dragon! Cross my heart. You can almost say he's like family now. I would even, you know... What's the word... Give my life for him. Honest to goodness truth, blow me down. No, no! He's going to win, my precious! He will prevail, our fervent serpent! Snarling darling! Bustler-robustler! Heinrich. I can see, daddy, that you don't want to speak to your only son honestly and sincerely. Burgomaster. Oh no, sonny. I am not crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but not to that extent just yet. Did the dragon order you to interrogate me? Heinrich. What are you saying, daddy! Burgomaster. Great job, sonny! You conducted the entire conversation admirably. I am proud of you. And it's not because I am your father, I swear. No, I am proud of you as an expert, an old hired gun. Did you remember what I told you? Heinrich. Sure thing. Burgomaster. How about all those words - fervent serpent, snarling darling, bustler-robustler? Heinrich. I remember. Burgomaster. Beautiful. Just put them in your report. Heinrich. I will, daddy. Burgomaster. You my little spy, you! My only sonny boy! Concerned with his little career, my sweetie. Need any money? Heinrich. Not at the moment, thank you, daddy. Burgomaster. Here, don't be shy. I've got some. Just had a fit of kleptomania yesterday. Take it. Heinrich. No, thank you, daddy. Can you tell me the truth now? Burgomaster. Come on, sonny, you are not a little boy anymore. He wants truth, wouldn't you know it. I am not just your average citizen, see. I am the burgomaster. I wouldn't tell the truth to myself for so many years that I even forgot how it sounds, damn it. I distaste it. I loathe it. Do you know what that pesky truth smells like? Enough about that. Hail dragon! Hail dragon! Hail dragon! The sentry on the tower strikes his lance against the floor. Sentry. Atten-tion! Eyes to the sky! His excellency the dragon have appeared over the Gray mountains!