Ogden Nesh. Videt' - znachit verit'
(SSHA)
Ogden Nash
SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING
Ironicheskie proizvedeniya dlya vzroslyh i detej
"Obshchina" MOSKVA 1992
Perevod i sostav A.N. ZHukova
A FRIEND IN NEED WILL BE AROUND IN FIVE
MINUTES
What are friends?
Why, they are people for love of whom one goes out and
eagerly borrows what one to them eagerly lends,
Who in return assure one that if one were about to be
eaten by an octopus they would dive fathoms deep
to the rescue at the risk of contracting the bends,
But who, if one faces any more prosaic emergency such as
asking if they would mind one's bringing along an
extra girl, one is making a mistake if one on them depends.
They are people on whose entertainment one's entire income
one hospitably and hebdomadally spends,
And who at one's house eat birthright and at their house
one eats pottage and other odds and ends,
And for whose behavior one is to one's foes constantly
making amends,
Yes, that's what are friends.
What then are foes?
Why they are the least of anybody sensible's woes,
Because if there is one thing that you might of anybody
sensible suppose,
It is that he wouldn't have anything to do with people who
prove to be foes,
Because obviously if one tarries blithely among one's
proven foemen,
Why whom has one to blame but oneself if one receives a
poisoned barb in the small of the back or a poisoned
comment on the large of the abdomen?
Yes, friends are unavoidable and epidemic and therefore
friend trouble is forgivable but I have no sympathy
for him who circles Robin Hood's barn and exposes
Himself to foeses.
I maintain that foes are very nice people as long as a reason-
?able distance separates oneself and them, whereas a
friend in need or in his cups can reach you across mountains
of glass and lakes of fire, with which re?mark I shall now
close,
Simply pausing to add that compared to a friend at the
front door I find foes at a reasonable distance rather
restful, and from now on I shall ever think of them
as Comme Il Fauts.
NASTOYASHCHIJ DRUG BUDET CHEREZ PYATX MINUT
Itak, chto takoe nastoyashchij drug? I kakie blagodeyaniya opredelyayut
druzhbu?
Drug - eto tot, komu kazhdyj, ne koleblyas', otdaet vse to,
chto samomu ne nuzhno.
Kto v otvet nikogda ne skazhet ?net? i obeshchaet otvazhno, chto
esli
odnazhdy na vas napadut os'minogi, on, ne somnevayas',
nyrnet hot' na pyat' yardov v glubinu s riskom zarabotat'
kessonnuyu bolezn'.
No kto, esli u vas est' kakaya-libo bolee prozaicheskaya
potrebnost'
v ego druzhbe, naprimer, zhelanie poznakomit'sya s podrugoj
ego podruzhki, na vremya utrachivaet k vam vsyakij interes.
Drug - eto tot, kto za vash schet razvlekaetsya tak, chto
udivitel'no
bystro istoshchaet vash ezhenedel'nyj dohod i druzheskoe
raspolozhenie.
Kto v vashem dome nabivaet svoj zhivot do golovokruzheniya, a u
sebya
doma dovol'stvuetsya pohlebkoj, v kotoroj predostatochno
vody, no plavayut tol'ko plody ego golodnogo voobrazheniya,
I kto svoim povedeniem vynuzhdaet vas prinosit' beschislennye
izvineniya vragam, kotorye, kak narochno, tolpyatsya vokrug.
Vot chto takoe nastoyashchij drug!
A chto takoe vrag?
|to, dostavlyayushchij svoim vragam men'she vsego nepriyatnostej,
chudak.
Potomu chto, kak vy ponimaete sami,
Nikto ne zhelaet imet' nichego obshchego so svoimi vragami.
A esli kto-to pytaetsya sojtis' s nimi blizhe i pri vstreche
licemerno pokazyvaet, chto on im iskrenne rad,
To na kogo, krome sebya, on dolzhen byt' obizhen, poluchaya na
kazhdom
shagu kolkosti v lico i kolyuchki v zad?
Konechno, druz'ya neizbezhny, oni, kak bakterii, povsyudu i potomu
zabota o nih prostitel'na, no ya ne zaviduyu tem, kto
v nadezhde zatmit' Robin Guda, okruzhaet druzej zabotoj,
a sami
Bezzabotno obnazhayut sebya pered svoimi vragami.
YA priderzhivayus' mneniya, chto vragi - eto vpolne prilichnye lyudi,
poskol'ku oni derzhatsya na prilichnom rasstoyanii, nu a
druz'ya, kogda oni nuzhdayutsya, probivayutsya k vam skvoz'
ogon' i vodu, i potomu ya lichno
Svoim druz'yam predpochitayu vragov, dazhe esli vragi nahodyatsya
v perednej, a druz'ya - u cherta na kulichkah.
THE JAPANESE
How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, ?Excuse it, please."
He climbs into his neighbour's garden,
And smiles, and says, ?I beg your pardon";
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
?So sorry, this my garden now."
YAPONEC
Kak vezhliv ot prirody on!
Vstrechaya vas, kladet poklon.
A esli k vam zalezet v sad,
On govorit: ?YA ochen' rad
Zdes' videt' Vas, moj dorogoj!?
Zatem so vsej svoej rodnej
Prihodit v sad i, vstretiv vas,
Poklon otvesit tyshchu raz
I sprosit vezhlivo potom:
?CHto nuzhno Vam v sadu moem??
FRAILTY, THY NAME IS A MISNOMER
Once there was a couple named Mr. and Mrs. Pepperloaf
and they were simply devoted,
Because each other was upon what they doted,
And in Mrs. Pepperloaf's eyes Mr. Pepperloaf could never err,
And he admitted only one flaw in her,
But it was a flaw which took many virtues to assuage,
Consisting in always asking him the date while she was reading
the paper with the date clearly printed on every page,
And whenever he called her attention to this least admirable
of her trails
She would retort that he didn't trust the paper's weather
forecasts so then why should she trust its dates.
For eleven years his patience held
But finally he rebelled.
It was on the evening of Friday the seventh that she looked
up from her paper and asked him the date,
And he replied firmly that she would find it at the top of
the page so she looked at the top of the page and that
was that, and presently they sat down to supper and ate,
And they were miserable because they had never disagreed
and this contretemps was a beginner for them,
And at nine his employer's wife called up to ask where were
they,
she and eleven guests were waiting dinner for them,
And Mr. Pepperloaf asked Mrs. Pepperloaf how she could
have so misreckoned,
And she said she knew that they had been invited out on
the seventh but, according to the newspaper he had
instructed her to consult, tonight was only the second,
And he picked up the paper and it was last week's, not
today's,
And she said certainly, she had just been reading over some
recipes for different delicious souffles,
And now she found the first flaw in him because she had
obeyed his order to look for the date in the paper,
hadn't she, so his irritation was uncalled for and
unseasonable.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
MORALXNAYA NEUSTOJCHIVOSTX, IMYA TVOE - OGOVORKA
Odnazhdy zhili na svete mister i missis Pepperlouf, kotorye s
minuty venchaniya sostavlyali dve nerazdelimye poloviny.
Oni drug v druge dushi ne chayali, inymi slovami - dlya kazhdogo iz
nih na drugom svet soshelsya klinom.
V glazah missis Pepperlouf mister Pepperlouf v zhizni ne delal
oshibok, ibo v ee glazah on nikogda ih sdelat' ne mog.
A on vremya ot vremeni nahodil v nej odin-edinstvennyj porok.
Zato etot porok lish' cenoyu mnogih dobrodetelej mog by
iskupit'sya.
A sostoyal on v tom, chto ona vsegda sprashivala ego, kakoe
segodnya
chislo, chitaya gazetu, v kotoroj chernym po belomu segodnyashnee
chislo bylo napechatano na kazhdoj stranice.
I kogda on pytalsya obratit' na etu, naimenee voshititel'nuyu,
chertu ee haraktera vnimanie,
Ona sprashivala, pochemu, esli on sam ne verit gazetnym
prognozam
pogody, ee nedoverie k gazetnym datam ne dohodit do ego
ponimaniya?
Odinnadcat' let on byl razumen i terpeliv.
No v konce koncov ego terpenie lopnulo, kak naryv.
|to sluchilos' sed'mogo vecherom, v pyatnicu, kogda otorvavshis'
ot
gazety, ona sprosila ego, kakoe segodnya chislo.
I on tverdo otvetil, chto ej sleduet spravit'sya ob etom v
gazete,
i ona snova zaglyanula v gazetu, szhavshis', kak ot udara, ot ego
soveta, vyskazannogo tak holodno i zlo.
Zatem oni seli, uzhinat', chuvstvuya sebya otvratitel'no, ibo do
etogo mezh nimi bylo polnoe soglasie, a sluchivshayasya razmolvka
mogla byt' tem nachalom, za kotorym sleduyut drugie bedy.
No v devyat' chasov pozvonila zhena ego sosluzhivca i udivlenno
sprosila, pochemu oni do sih por doma?
Ona i odinnadcat' ee gostej davnym-davno zhdut ih k obedu.
I mister Pepperlouf sprosil missis Pepperlouf, kak eto ona
mogla
tak osramit'sya?
I ona otvetila: ona prekrasno pomnit, chto oni priglasheny na
obed
sed'mogo vecherom, no segodnya eshche tol'ko vtoroe, soglasno
gazete, k kotoroj on sam ej posovetoval obratit'sya.
I on vzyal gazetu, kotoruyu ona chitala, i uvidel, chto eto byla
staraya gazeta.
I ona ob®yasnila, chto interesovalas' nekotorymi napechatannymi v
etoj gazete receptami sufle.
CHto on mog skazat' ej v otvet na eto?
I togda, nakonec, ona otkryla v nem pervyj porok, ibo po ego
sovetu
zaglyanula v staruyu gazetu, i znachit, ssora sluchilas' po ego
vine.
Iz chego sleduet, chto, hotya zhenshchiny redko vedut sebya razumno,
pravda pochemu-to dovol'no chasto byvaet na ih storone.
BETWEEN BIRTHDAYS
My birthdays take so long to start.
They come along a year apart.
It's worse than waiting for a bus;
I fear I used to fret and fuss,
But now, when by impatience vexed
Between one birthday and the next,
I think of all that I have seen
That keeps on happening in between.
The songs I've heard, the things I've done,
Make my un-birthdays not so un-
MEZHDU DNYAMI ROZHDENIYA
Ax, kak on medlenno idet,
Moj den' rozhden'ya! Celyj god
YA zhdu ego, kak zhdut avtobus.
I grustno mne. I snizhen tonus.
No vspomnil nynche ya s nadezhdoj
Te pesni, chto zvuchali mezhdu,
I vspomnil bez predubezhden'ya
Vse luchshee v ne-dni rozhden'ya.
I, pravo, pokazalis' mne
Oni uzh ne takimi ne-
AND THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX
IN LEAP YEAR
Some people shave before bathing,
And about people who bathe before shaving they are
scathing,
While those who bathe before shaving,
Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are
misbehaving.
Suppose you shave before bathing, well the advantage is
that you don't have to make a special job of washing
the lather off afterwards, it just floats off with the rest
of your accumulations in the tub,
But the disadvantage is that before bathing your skin is
hard and dry and your beard confronts the razor like
a grizzly bear defending its cub.
Well then, suppose you bathe before shaving, well the
advantage is that after bathing your skin is soft and
moist, and your beard positively begs for the blade,
But the disadvantage is that to get the lather off you have
to wash your face all over again at the basin almost
immediately after washing it in the tub, which is a
duplication of effort that leaves me spotless but dis-mayed.
The referee reports, gentlemen, that Fate has loaded the
dice,
Since your only choice is between walking around all day
with a sore chin or washing your face twice,
So I will now go and get a shave from a smug man in a crisp
white coat,
And I will disrupt his smugness by asking him about his
private life, does he bathe before shaving or shave be-
fore bathing, and then I will die either of laughing
or of a clean cut throat.
A V VISOKOSNOM GODU 366 RAZ!
Odni lyudi breyutsya, pered tem kak prinimayut vannu,
Oni schitayut chto brit'sya posle vanny po men'shej mere
stranno.
Drugie prinimayut vannu pered tem kak pobrit'sya.
I oni schitayut, chto sadit'sya v vannu posle brit'ya nikuda ne
goditsya.
Dopustim, vy breetes' pered vannoj, i togda u vas est'
preimushchestvo:
ne nuzhno special'no smyvat' s lica penu, ibo ona smyvaetsya
sama, pokryvaya vodu gryazno-seroj plenkoj.
No est' i nedostatok: vasha kozha pered vannoj takaya zhestkaya
i suhaya, chto shchetina srazhaetsya s britvoj, kak medvedica
grizli, zashchishchaya svoego medvezhonka.
Dopustim teper', chto vy prinimaete vannu do brit'ya, i togda
preimushchestvo v tom, chto posle vanny kozha stanovitsya myagkoj
i vlazhnoj i boroda sama naprashivaetsya na lezvie.
No togda est' drugoj nedostatok: chtoby smyt' myl'nuyu penu s
lica,
vam neobhodimo umyvat'sya srazu zhe posle myt'ya v vanne,
to est' delat' odno i to zhe dvazhdy, vmesto togo, chtoby
sovershit' chto-nibud' poleznoe.
Sud'ba - eto igra v kosti, kak odin znakomyj krup'e vyrazilsya
odnazhdy.
I u kazhdogo iz nas - edinstvennyj vybor: hodit' ves' den'
s obodrannym podborodkom ili myt' lico dvazhdy.
I potomu segodnya ya idu brit'sya k shchegolyu v hrustyashchem belom
halate
i nachisto sotru s ego lica samodovol'noe vyrazhenie odnim -
edinstvennym voprosom (predstavlyayu, kakaya budet poteha!)
Breetsya li on do vanny ili prinimaet vannu pered tem kak
breetsya,
posle chego ya neminuemo pogibnu, esli ne ot britvy to
ot smeha.
SEEING EYE TO EYE IS BELIEVING
When speaking of people and their beliefs I wear my
belief on my sleeve;
I believe that people believe what they believe they
believe.
When people reject a truth or an untruth it is not because
it is a truth or an untruth that they reject it,
No, if it isn't in accord with their beliefs in the first
place
they simply say, ?Nothing doing", and refuse to
inspect it.
Likewise when they embrace a truth or an untruth it is not
for either its truth or its mendacity,
But simply because they have believed it all along and
therefore regard the embrace as a tribute to their own
fair-mindedness and sagacity.
There are enlightened days in which you can get hot water
and cold water out of the same spigot,
And everybody has something about which they are proud
to be broad-minded but they also have other things
about which you would be wasting your breath if you
tried to convince them that they were a bigot,
And I have no desire to get ugly,
But I cannot help mentioning that the door of a bigoted
mind opens outwards so that the only result of the
pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
Naturally I am not pointing a finger at me,
But I must admit that I find Mr. Ickes or any other speaker
far more convincing when I agree with him than when
I disagree.
VIDETX ZNACHIT VERITX
Kogda govoryat o lyudyah i ob ih ubezhdeniyah, u menya vsegda
nagotove
sobstvennoe mnenie.
YA veryu chto lyudi veryat, chto oni veryat bez predubezhdeniya.
Oni otricayut pravdu ili nepravdu ne iz-za togo, chto eto
pravda ili nepravda, no, okazyvaetsya,
|to proishodit potomu, chto, kogda chto-to ne sootvetstvuet ih
ubezhdeniyam, oni srazu zhe zayavlyayut: "Nichego podobnogo!" -
i vyslushivat' dal'nejshie raz®yasneniya otkazyvayutsya.
Tochno takzhe oni vsem serdcem prinimayut pravdu ili nepravdu
vovse ne potomu, chto eto istina ili lozh' v dejstvitel'nosti.
A potomu, chto s samogo nachala oni imenno tak i schitali i,
takim
obrazom, eto chuzhoe mnenie sluzhit lishnim podtverzhdeniem ih
sobstvennoj soobrazitel'nosti.
I eto mig vzaimoponimaniya, kogda po odnoj i toj zhe
vodoprovodnoj
trube mozhet bezhat' potok i holodnoj vody i goryachej,
Kogda kazhdyj mozhet gordit'sya, chto po mnogim voprosam on terpim
ko mneniyu drugih, hotya u kazhdogo, nesomnenno, ostayutsya takie
ubezhdeniya, v kotoryh on nepokolebim, i vy gorazdo ran'she
vydohnetes', chem zastavite ego dumat' inache.
U menya net ni malejshego zhelaniya zadirat'sya,
No ya ne mogu ostavit' mysli, chto dveri fanaticheskogo razuma
otkryvayutsya tol'ko naruzhu i pod davleniem vneshnih faktov
mogut tol'ko eshche plotnee zakryvat'sya.
Net, ya imeyu v vidu ne sebya, hotya priznayus', chto smysl
izrechenij
mistera Iksa ili lyubogo drugogo oratora mne gorazdo bolee
yasen,
Kogda ya razdelyayu s nim svoe mnenie, chem togda, kogda ya s nim
ne soglasen.
JACK DO-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING
(A cursory nursery tale for lot-bailers)
Once there was a kindhearted lad named
Jack Do-Good-for-Nothing, the only son of a
poor widow whom creditors did importune,
So he set out in the world to make his fortune.
His mother's blessing and a crust of bread was
his only stake,
And pretty soon he saw a frog that about to be
devoured by a snake.
And he rescued the frog and drove the snake away,
And the frog vowed gratitude to its dying day,
And a little later on in his walk,
Why, he saw a little red hen about to be carried off
by a hawk,
And he rescued the little red hen and drove the
hawk away,
And the little red hen vowed that whenever he was
in trouble his kindness she would repay,
And he walked a few more country blocks,
And he saw a bunny rabbit about to be gobbled up
by a fox,
And he rescued the bunny rabbit before the fox
could fall on it,
And the bunny rabbit thanked Jack and told him
any time he needed help, just to call on it,
And after all this rescuing, Jack was huffing
and puffing,
And a little farther on the snake and the hawk and
the fox jumped him, and out of him they beat
the stuffing;
They even stole his crust of bread and each ate a
third of it,
And the frog and the little red hen and the bunny
rabbit said they were very sorry when they heard of it.
You see, Jack against a cardinal rule of conduct had
been a transgressor:
Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared
to take on the oppressor.
DZHEK-DOBRYAK-ZA PROSTO TAK
(Skazochka dlya iskatelej priklyuchenij)
ZHil da byl na svete chudak po prozvishchu Dzhek-Dobryak-Za Prosto
Tak,
edinstvennyj syn bednyazhki vdovy, kotoruyu kreditory rvali
na chasti,
I vot odnazhdy on shagnul za porog rodnogo doma, chtoby najti
svoe
schast'e.
Vse, chto Dzhek prihvatil s soboj, byla krayuha hleba, da
materinskoe blagoslovenie.
I vskore on povstrechal lyagushonka, kotoryj sidel pered zmeej,
ne v silah stryahnut' s sebya predsmertnoe ocepenenie.
I Dzhek prognal zmeyu, besstrashno srazivshis' s nej,
A lyagushonok poklyalsya ne zabyvat' o ego blagorodstve do konca
svoih dnej.
I dal'she po svetu Dzhek pobrel
I vdrug uvidal, kak malen'kogo cyplenka sobiraetsya scapat'
bol'shoj orel.
I on osvobodil malen'kogo cyplenka i prognal orla proch',
A malen'kij cyplenok poobeshchal, chto v kakuyu by Dzhek bedu ni
popal,
tot vsegda smozhet emu pomoch'.
I dal'she poshel Dzhek tvorit' chudesa
I povstrechal krohotnogo krolika,
kotorogo gotovilas' slopat' lisa.
I on prognal lisu, izdav uzhasayushchij krik.
A kroshka-krolik zaveril Dzheka, chto, kogda tot budet nuzhdat'sya
v pomoshchi, on yavitsya k nemu v tot zhe mig.
Posle vseh etih rycarskih deyanij Dzhek shestvoval po zemle s
vazhnym vidom, predvkushaya pobedu ocherednuyu,
Poka zmeya, orel i lisa, zataivshie obidu, ne nabrosilis'
na nego vse razom i ne sdelali iz Dzheka horoshuyu otbivnuyu.
K tomu zhe oni otnyali u nego krayuhu hleba i tut zhe slopali
kazhdyj tret'yu chast' ee.
A lyagushonok, malen'kij cyplenok i kroshka-krolik, konechno zhe,
prinyali v ego bede serdechnoe uchastie.
I vse eto sluchilos' potomu, chto Dzhek prenebreg vazhnejshim
pravilom
vo vzaimootnosheniyah bezzashchitnogo i agressivnogo:
Nikogda ne podderzhivaj slabogo, esli ne uveren v tom, chto
mozhesh'
operet'sya na sil'nogo.
THE MERMAID
Say not the mermaid is a myth,
I knew one once named Mrs. Smith.
She stood while playing cards or knitting:
Mermaids are not equipped for sitting.
RUSALKA
Kto govorit,
rusalok ne byvalo?!
A missis Smit?
Ta, chto vsegda stoyala.
Ona by s udovol'stviem prisela,
Da ne imela
vazhnoj chasti tela.
THE PURIST
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed,
?He never bungles!
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You, mean," he said, ?a crocodile."
PURIST
Bol'shoj uchenyj mister Tvist,
V opredeleniyah - purist,
Nauke predannyj do zhuti,
Byl poslan dlya otkrytij v dzhungli.
Odnako, po doroge k mestu
On poteryal svoyu nevestu.
I provodnik emu povedal,
CHto eyu sytno poobedal
Odin bolotnyj alligator.
Tvist zaglyanul v klassifikator
i, ulybayas', utochnil:
"Kak Vy skazali? - Krokodil?"
*****
Einstein received a questionnaire
In which they asked him to declare
Whether he thought we might be forced
Into atomic holocaust.
So, putting down his violin
The old man neatly pencilled in
The middle of the form they sent.
(Yes. Not, I trust, by accident).
Sprosili kak-to u |jnshtejna,
Ne to vser'ez, ne to shutejno,
Vozmozhno li, chtob mirnyj atom
Ves' mir vdrug rasshchepil kogda-to?
On otlozhil v storonku skripku,
V zatylke pochesal s ulybkoj.
Otvet byl prost
neobychajno: "Da... Net... Nu, razve chto - sluchajno!..."
Oh, weep for Mr and Mrs Bryan!
He was eaten by a lion;
Following which, the lion's lioness
Up and swallowed Bryan's Bryaness.
LEV
Neschastnye suprugi Grev!
Snachala muzha skushal Lev.
Potom reshila L'vova L'vica
Ego zhenoyu pozhivit'sya.
DR. FELL AND POINTS WEST
Your train leaves at eleven-forty-five and it is now but
eleven-thirty-nine and a half,
And there is only one man ahead of you at the ticket window
so you have plenty of time, haven't you, well I
hope you enjoy a hearty laugh,
Because he is Dr. Fell, and he is engaged in an intricate
maneuver,
He wants to go to Sioux City with stopovers at Plymouth
Rock, Stone Mountain, Yellowstone Park, Lake Louise
and Vancouver,
And he would like some information about an alternate
route, One that would include New Orleans and Detroit,
with possibly a day or two in Minneapolis and Butte,
And when the agent has compiled the data with the aid of
a slug of aromatic spirits and a moist bandanna,
He says that settles it, he'll spend his vacation canoeing up
and down the Susquehanna,
And oh yes, which way is the bus terminal and what's
playing at the Rivoli,
And how do the railroads expect to stay in business when
their employees are incapable of answering a simple
question accurately or civilly?
He then demands and receives change for twenty dollars
and saunters off leaving everybody's jaw with a sag
on it,
And when you finally get to buy your ticket not only has
your train gone but you also discover that your porter
has efficiently managed to get your bag on it.
DOKTOR F|LL I STANCII ZAPADA
Vash poezd othodit v odinnadcat' sorok pyat', a sejchas
odinnadcat'
tridcat' devyat', to est' bolee pyati minut v vashem
rasporyazhenii.
I poskol'ku v ocheredi za biletami vsego odin chelovek, vam
kazhetsya, chto u vas dostatochno vremeni, no, uvy, skoro vy
ubedites'
chto eto ne tak, prostite za predpolozhenie.
Potomu chto pered vami nikto inoj, kak doktor Fell, kotoryj
vsegda
prepodnosit okruzhayushchim syurprizy.
I sejchas on vyyasnyaet, kak mozhno dobrat'sya do Sioksa, delaya
ostanovki
v Plimute, Kamennyh Gorah, Ielloustonskom parke, Vankuvere
i na ozere Luizy.
A krome togo, ego interesuet informaciya o dopolnitel'nom
marshrute,
Kotoryj prohodit cherez Novyj Orlean i Detrojt s vozmozhnymi
ostanovkami na den' ili na dva v Minneapolise i B'yutte.
I kogda kassir sobiraet vse eti dannye s pomoshch'yu holodnyh
primochek
i glotka spirtnogo,
On zayavlyaet, chto razdumal i zhelaet provesti otpusk, katayas' na
bajdarke vverh-vniz po Saskuehanne, i vse nachinaetsya snova.
Ego interesuet i mestonahozhdenie avtovokzala, i
dostoprimechatel'nosti Rivoli,
I kakim obrazom, esli zheleznodorozhnye sluzhashchie ne mogut
otvetit'
tochno i vezhlivo na prostye voprosy, zheleznye dorogi
eshche poluchayut pribyli?
A zatem on trebuet razmenyat' i poluchaet meloch'yu dvadcat'
dollarov,
i, ostavlyaya vsyu ochered' s perekoshennymi chelyustyami, na vremya
othodit, poka emu v golovu ne prihodit eshche kakaya-nibud'
blazh'.
I kogda, nakonec, vy priobretaete bilet, vash poezd ne tol'ko
uzhe
ushel, no, okazyvaetsya, ves'ma opytnyj nosil'shchik sumel
pristroit' na nego ves' vash bagazh.
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS
Behold the hippopotamus!
We laugh at how he looks to us,
And yet in moments dank and grim
I wonder how we look to him.
Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus!
We really look all right to us,
As you no doubt delight the eye
Of other hippopotami.
BEGEMOT
My usmehaemsya nad nim.
On kazhetsya takim smeshnym!
No do sih por ya ne pojmu,
Kakim my kazhemsya emu?
Hotya sosed moj lichno mne
Normal'nym kazhetsya vpolne,
No tak li myslit begemot,
Razinuv na soseda rot?
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO THE OCEAN
Let us now consider the ocean.
It is always in motion.
It is generally understood to be the source of much of our
rain,
And ten thousand fleets are said to have swept over it in
vain.
When the poet requested it to break break break on its
cold gray rocks it obligingly broke broke broke.
Which as the poet was Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't surprise
him at all but if it had been me I would probably
have had a stroke.
Some people call it the Atlantic and some the Pacific or
the Antarctic or the Indian or the Mediterranean Sea,
But I always say what difference does it make, some old
geographer mumbling a few words of it, it will always
be just the Ocean to me.
There is an immortal dignity about something like the
Atlantic,
Which seems to drive unimmortal undignified human
beings frustratedly frantic.
Just give them one foot on the beach and people who were
perfectly normal formerly, or whilom,
Why, they are subject to whoops and capers that would
get them blackballed from an asylum;
Yet be they never so rampant and hollerant,
The ocean is tolerant,
Except a couple of times a day it gives up in disgust and
goes off by itself and hides,
And that, my dears, accounts for the tides.
PUTEVODITELX PO OKEANU
Okean eto vsegda dvizhenie
Ne potomu li on volnuet voobrazhenie?
|to istochnik dozhdej, carstvo tumana, i ne tol'ko eto,
konechno.
Tysyachi korablej borozdili prostory okeana, no skazat', chto
oni
ego otkryli, bylo by pospeshno.
Kogda poet treboval, chtoby volny okeana bilis', bilis', bilis'
o skaly, oni obyazatel'no sbivalis', sbivalis', sbivalis',
ne obrashchaya vnimaniya na ego pros'by.
I poskol'ku poetom byl Al'fred Lord Tennison, eto ego
niskol'ko
ne udivilo, no bud' ya na ego meste, takih udarov ya ne perenes
by.
Okean! Ego nazyvayut Tihim i Atlanticheskim, Indijskim i
Antarkticheskim, i takoe obilie naimenovanij kazhetsya strannym,
Ibo nezavisimo ot togo, chto o nem napisano v uchebnikah
geografii,
on byl i ostanetsya prosto okeanom.
Konechno, est' nechto bessmertnoe i velichestvennoe v takom,
naprimer,
okeanskom slove kak Atlanticheskij,
CHto delaet obyknovennyh smertnyh poistine neistovo
fanaticheskimi.
Predostav'te im fut peska na okeanskom poberezh'e i lyudi,
kotorye
prezhde byli normal'nymi (bolee-menee),
Nachinayut rezvit'sya i vydelyvat' takie antrasha, budto ih tol'ko
chto
prezhdevremenno vypisali iz psihiatricheskogo otdeleniya.
No kak by oni ne shodili s uma, Okean terpeliv, i ves'ma.
Tol'ko dvazhdy v den', ot priliva otvrashcheniya vne sebya,
okean staraetsya ujti v sebya neterpelivo.
Imenno poetomu proishodyat ego prilivy i otlivy.
DRAKONY SLISHKOM REDKI
Uvidet' voochiyu nastoyashchee morskoe chudovishche hotya by odnazhdy -
Vot zavetnoe zhelanie, osushchestvit' kotoroe ya zhazhdu.
I esli by menya sprosili, hotel by ya, chtoby pered moim nosom
vynyrnulo Lohnesskoe chudovishche?
YA, ne koleblyas', otvetil by: "Da, konechno, i ne tol'ko, i ne
to eshche
Vsyakij raz glaza moi uvlazhnyayutsya, kogda ya vspominayu,
chto prozhil dolgie gody,
Ne povstrechavshis' ni razu licom k licu ni s odnim iz kaprizov
prirody.
CHto govorit' o tom, chto ya nikogda ne vidal Meduzu-Gorgonu?!
Esli ya ne vidal dazhe obyknovennogo karlika, sevshego na
koleni
mul'timillioneru, misteru Morganu ili drugomu.
Bol'she togo, i vovse ne iz-za sobstvennoj leni,
YA nikogda i ne dumal o tom, chto u mistera Morgana est' koleni.
Hotya, nado polagat', oni u nego est', kak i u vseh lyudej,
chto v izvestnoj mere nas s nim sblizhaet.
I ne isklyucheno, chto hotya by inogda mul'timillioner ikaet.
A vse normal'nye chudovishcha, takie kak morskie drakony,
ne imeyut ni kolenej, ni ikoty.
I potomu s gorazdo bol'shej ohotoj
YA predpochel by vstretit' lyubogo vtororazryadnogo vodyanogo,
chem nezauryadnogo chelovecheskogo geniya.
I vot vam slovo - ya ne imeyu na etot schet ni malejshego
somneniya.
Da, ya predpochel by uvidet'sya s odnoj sirenoj, kotoraya mne
vremenami
snitsya,
CHem s Lordom Bajronom v dvuh licah.
A esli by ya znal, chto povstrechayu Scillu i Haridbu, Ciklopa ili
Pegasa,
YA by, ne koleblyas', proshelsya na rukah ot svoego doma do
Tehasa.
Da, chto tam govorit'! Uzhe davnym-davno prishel ya k zaklyucheniyu,
CHto my mogli by s vygodoj ispol'zovat' imeyushchiesya chudesa,
esli by pridavali im bol'shee znachenie.
I nasha zhizn' byla by mnogo znachitel'nej i interesnej,-
ya dumayu poroyu, sozhaleya,
Esli by vmesto togo, chtoby vyslushivat'
po radio vymuchennye pesni, my s zamiraniem serdca
slushali lorelejnye treli, okruzhiv Loreleyu.
CHTO KAZHDAYA ZHENSHCHINA UZNAET RANO ILI POZDNO
Muzh'ya - eto lyudi, ot kotoryh proistekayut vse bedy, no s
sushchestvovaniem kotoryh zhenam prihoditsya mirit'sya,
I ezhednevno vo vremya zavtraka i obeda videt' pered soboj
ih neizmenno nedovol'nye lica.
Muzh'ya sporyat s zhenoj dazhe po voprosam vospitaniya detej,
no nahodyatsya v postoyannom zabluzhdenii
Otnositel'no dnya ih rozhdeniya.
I dazhe kogda muzh'ya byvayut nastol'ko nevnimatel'ny, chto
zamechayut
eto sami,
Oni vser'ez schitayut, chto odnim velikodushnym poceluem mogut
zagladit' lyubuyu obidu, nanesennuyu besceremonnymi slovami.
Da, muzh'ya nevynosimy, kogda oni doma i ujti kuda-nibud' s
glaz
doloj dazhe ne pytayutsya.
No oni eshche bolee nevynosimy, kogda neizvestno gde shatayutsya.
Lyubye vashi zamechaniya oni prinimayut s usmeshkoj, a v glazah u
nih
pri etom takoe vyrazhenie;
Budto, slushaya vas, oni, konechno, delayut vam gromadnoe
odolzhenie.
Oni polny energii, kogda im predstoit projti pyat' mil' peshkom,
chtoby sygrat' partiyu v gol'f, no esli nuzhno sdelat' chto-to
po hozyajstvu, stanovyatsya vyalymi i apatichnymi,
I pri etom oni lyubyat porassuzhdat' o tom, chto vse zhenskie
postupki
yavlyayutsya nelogichnymi.
Kogda vy podaete na stol frikadel'ki, oni vosprinimayut ih
s kisloj minoj, vosklicaya: "Neuzheli my ne mozhem pozvolit' sebe
chto-nibud' vrode file ili antrekota?!"
No esli, posle ispolneniya v techenie mesyaca podobnyh zhelanij,
vy kladete pered nimi schet semejnyh rashodov, on dejstvuet
na nih sil'nee horoshego apperkota.
S kakoj gerojskoj vyderzhkoj, s kakim hladnokroviem perenosyat
oni
bolezni teh, kogo kogda-to obeshchali berech' i leleyat' nezhno!
No esli u nih krasneet gorlo ili bolit zhivot, mozhno podumat',
chto ih blizkaya smert' neizbezhna.
Kogda vy ostaetes' s nimi tet-a-tet, oni zamykayutsya v sebe,
ochevidno schitaya, chto v besede s vami dlya nih net nichego
interesnogo.
No v obshchestve oni bespreryvno klanyayutsya, ulybayutsya,
rassharkivayutsya
pered vami, podstavlyayut takoe kolichestvo stul'ev, predlagayut
stol'ko buterbrodov i sigaret, chto vam nesterpimo hochetsya
vybrat' udobnyj moment i kak-nibud' posil'nee tresnut' ih!
Da, muzh'ya - eto naibolee razdrazhayushchij faktor semejnoj zhizni,
i,
hotya, govorya iskrenne, dlya doma oni absolyutno ne nuzhny,
No po ironii sud'by bol'shinstvo iz nih ustraivaetsya ves'ma
udobno
pod krylyshkom u sobstvennoj zheny.
THE MULES
In the world of mules
There are no rules.
SREDI OSLOV
Znaet tot, kto imi pravil,
CHto osly ne znayut pravil.
LIMERIKI
-1-
An elderly bride of Port Jcrvis
Was quite understandably nervis.
Since her apple - cheeked groom,
With three wines in the tomb,
Kept insuring her during the service.
Zagrustila ona, kogda on,
Do nee shoronivshij treh zhen,
Ulybayas', skazal:
"YA vas zastrahoval, Dragocennaya, na million!"
-2-
A lady from near Rising Sun,
She flattened her boy friend in fun,
Saying, Don't worry kid,
That's for nothing you did,
It's for something I dreamed that you done.
Deva strastnaya iz Fermopil
Bila milogo chto bylo sil!
Ne za to,- govorila,-
CHto v real'nosti bylo,
A za to, chto vo sne izmenil.
MISTER ARTEZIAN I EGO BUMAZHNOE USERDIE
V odnoj kontore ves'ma cenili mistera Arteziana,
kotoryj schital,
chto na svete net raboty vazhnee bumazhnoj,
I byl nedovolen soboj postoyanno, hotya ego rabotosposobnosti
mog by pozavidovat' kazhdyj.
Podkorku ego bol'shih polusharij ni na mig ne pokidala zabota,
Kak ustranit' prichiny, te chto eshche meshali zabyt' o tom,
chto na svete est' ne tol'ko rabota.
On podschital, chto esli budet spat' vosem' chasov v sutki,
to za sem'desyat pyat' let zhizni dvadcat' pyat' let
on provedet v posteli.
I stal spat' shest' chasov i, takim obrazom, mog poteryat'
tol'ko vosemnadcat' let, devyat' mesyacev i dve nedeli.
Emu bylo izvestno, chto on potratit na edu tri goda, dva mesyaca
i pyatnadcat' dnej, esli desyat' minut kazhdyj den'
u nego otnimet kofe, dvadcat' - zavtrak i polchasa - obed.
I ne pokidaya rabochego mesta, on stal pitat'sya bul'onnymi
kubikami
i vse vysheukazannye poteri svel na net.
On obnaruzhil, chto ezhednevnye desyat' minut, neobhodimye dlya
brit'ya,
ukorachivayu ego dragocennuyu zhizn' na shest' mesyacev s gakom.
I otpustil borodu, chto dalo emu dlya raboty dopolnitel'noe
vremya,
i odnako
Golovu ego opyat' sverlila pochemu-to
Odna navyazchivaya mysl', i s kazhdym dnem vse sil'nej:
Teryaya kazhdyj den' v lifte vsego lish' dve minuty,
On poteryaet za vsyu zhizn' celyh tridcat' vosem' dnej!
I potomu odnazhdy, zhelaya ustraneniya i etoj poteri,
edinstvennoj,
chto eshche meshala ujti v svoi bumagi s golovoj,
On, ne dohodya do dveri, shagnul iz okna kontory, kotoroe
nahodilos' v pyatistah futah nad zemlej.
NOW TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF
Everybody speaks of being patronized,
Yet nobody speaks of the truly irksome shambles which is,
or are, being matronized,
By which I mean that there is nothing more impolitely and
noticeably aloof
Than a woman of a certain sort sounding out a man of
whose certain sort she hasn't yet got definite affidavits
or proof.
She displays the great names of her acquaintance for his
benefit like a nouveau riche displaying his riches,
And fixes him with the stare of a psychiatrist to see if there
is one at which he twitches.
George Washington and George Sand and Lloyd George
to her are Georgie,
And she would have addressed the Borgias behind their
back as Borgie.
She always wants to know, first, where do you come from,
and second, do you of course know Babs and Bonzo
Beaver there, which you never do, often for your own
very good reasons, but you try to make your reply a
polite one,
So you murmur, ?Well I don't really know them, but I
know of them," and she at once assigns you to your
proper side of the tracks, and it is not the right one.
When she discusses national affairs she doesn't talk exactly
treasonably, But she refers to that part of the nation which
lies outside
of New York in the bright tone of one referring to a
little tailor she has just discovered who does alterations
very reasonably.
Please do not get the impression that a matronizing
woman causes me to froth at the mouth or slaver;
I only wish to notify you that whenever you want her you
can have her.
MATRONA V KACHESTVE PATRONA
Mnogie lyubyat porazglagol'stvovat' o pokrovitel'stve patrona.
No vryad li komu zahochetsya vspominat' o tom neperenosimom
sostoyanii,
kogda tebe pokrovitel'stvuet matrona.
Predstav'te sebe zhenshchinu neopredelennogo vozrasta i
opredelennyh
ubezhdenij, kotoraya avansiruet svoe polozhenie v pol'zu muzhchiny,
O pol'ze kotorogo dlya sebya ona ne imeet nikakih podtverzhdenij,
i kotoryj ne imeet dlya takovyh podtverzhdenij ni malejshej
prichiny.
Kak nuvorish raskladyvaet i, lyubuyas', perebiraet svoi
dragocennosti,
ona perechislyaet imena svoih vliyatel'nyh znakomyh
ves'ma obstoyatel'no i podrobno,
Odnovremenno sledya za svoim sobesednikom pristal'nym
vzglyadom
psihoanalitika, daby ne promorgat', pri upominanii kakoj
iz znamenitostej ee protezhe vzdrognet.
Dzhordzh Vashington ili Llojd Dzhordzh dlya nee - prosto ZHora.
Kak budto ona rosla vmeste s nimi, i esli by odin iz nih vdrug
poyavilsya pered vami, ona kivnula by emu, kak staromu
znakomomu,
ne preryvaya razgovora.
Obsuzhdaya nacional'nye problemy, ona, razumeetsya, ne delaet
otkrytij i ne vyskazyvaet ni odnoj stoyashchej idei.
I vse ee otkroveniya otnositel'no chasti nacii, zhivushchej za
predelami
N'yu-Jorka, nahodyatsya na urovne rassuzhdenij modnicy,
rasskazyvayushchej pro portnogo, kotoryj v oblasti zhenskih naryadov
nesomnenno yavlyaetsya charodeem.
Pozhalujsta, ne poschitajte, vyslushav menya, budto ya puskayu
slyunki,
vidya, kak komu-to pokrovitel'stvuet matrona, ne nadeyas' sam
na podobnyj sluchaj.
Net, ya priderzhivayus' mneniya, chto esli kto-nibud' chego-nibud'
ochen'
zahochet, on v konce koncov eto obyazatel'no poluchit.
****
There was a lady loved a gent,
But her reward was meager.
Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends,
The lady's overeager.
There was a lady loved a gent,
She held her backbone rigid.
Said her gentleman friend to his gentleman friends,
The lady's for too frigid.
There was a lady loved herself,
But equipped with COLD and HOT.
Said her gentleman friends to their gentleman friends,
Whatever it is, she's got.
Oh let us laugh at the lines above,
Less precious than pearls and rubies -
Telling the ladies what ladies know,
That gentlemen ALL are boobies.
LYUBOVX I TOCHKA ZRENIYA
Lyubila vsem serdcem, ne znaya korysti,
Lyubila bezmerno.
Naprasno!
Znakomym dzhentl'menam schastlivchik otkrylsya,
CHto lyubit ona slishkom strastno.
Drugaya lyubila ne v meru primerno -
Sama ne brosalas' na sheyu.
Povedal neschastnyj znakomym dzhentl'menam,
CHto ryby ona holodnee.
Lyubila sebya. I prekrasno! Da tol'ko
S pripadkami ne bylo sladu.
Ob etoj dzhentl'meny reshili:
Poskol'ku Upryamaya - tak ej i nado!
Dzhentl'meny nahodyat dlya smeha prichiny,
Vrachuya serdechnye rany.
A ledi, vedya razgovor o muzhchinah,
schitayut: dzhentl'meny - bolvany!
THE ANT
The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?
MURAVEJ
Vsegda v trude. Pokoya - ni minutki.
A byl by ty spokoen?
- Net uzh, dudki! -
Kogda b imel v svoej krovi i ty
Hot' kaplyu murav'inoj kisloty.
THE PARENT
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
OTCY I DETI
Poroj ponyat' ne mogut nashi deti,
Zachem zhivut roditeli na svete.
THOUGHTS THOUGHT ON AN AVENUE
There would be far lees masculine gaming and boozing
But for the feminine approach to feminine fashions, which
is distinctly confusing.
Please correct me if, although I don't think I do, I err;
But it is a fact that a lady wants to be dressed exactly
like
everybody else but she gets pretty upset if she see
anybody else dressed exactly like her.
Nothing so infuriates her as a similar hat or dress,
Especially if bought for less,
Which brings up another point which I will attempt to
discuss in my guttural masculine jargon;
Her ideal raiment is costlier than her or her dearest
friend's
purse can buy, and at the same time her own exclusive
and amazing bargain.
Psychologists claim that men are the dreamers and women
are the realists,
But to my mind women are the starriest-eyed of idealists,
Though I am willing to withdraw this charge and gladly
eat it uncomplaineously.
If anyone can explain to me how a person can wear a costume
that is different from other people's and the same
as other people's and more expensive than other
people's and cheaper than other people's, simultaneously.
MYSLI NA AVENYU
YA utverzhdayu, chto muzh'ya gorazdo rezhe zhalovalis' by na semejnye
uzy,
Esli by otnoshenie ih zhen k predmetam zhenskoj odezhdy ne
dohodilo
by poroj do konfuza.
Pozhalujsta, poprav'te menya, esli ya ne prav, a, vprochem, ya ne
somnevayus', chto moya mysl' verna,
Kazhdaya zhenshchina mechtaet byt' odetoj kak vse, no byvaet uzhasno
ogorchena, vstrechaya kogo-libo, kto odet, kak ona.
Nichto ne razdrazhaet ee tak, kak pohozhaya shlyapka ili plat'e,
Osobenno priobretennye za men'shuyu platu,
CHto vyzyvaet u menya eshche koe-kakie soobrazheniya, i ya ispol'zuyu
vse svoe muzhskoe krasnorechie, chtoby otstoyat' ih.
Ideal'noe odeyanie zhenshchiny gorazdo dorozhe togo, kotoroe mozhet
pozvolit' sebe ona ili ee podruga, no kotoroe v konce koncov
dostaetsya imenno ej v silu kakogo-to neveroyatnejshego
stecheniya obstoyatel'stv.
Psihologi utverzhdayut, chto muzhchiny - mechtateli, a zhenshchiny -
realistki.
No, po-moemu, zhenshchiny i est' samye otchayannye idealistki.
Vprochem, ya gotov vzyat' vse svoi slova obratno, no vy dolzhny
mne
nepremenno
Ob®yasnit', kak mozhno nosit' plat'e, kotoroe otlichaetsya ot
plat'ya
drugih i kotoroe toch'-v-toch' takoe zhe, kak u nih, i kotoroe
dorozhe i deshevle, chem u drugih, odnovremenno.
THE FLY
God in His wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
MUDROSTX TVORCA
Bog byl nastol'ko mudr,
chto muhu sotvoril!
Bog znaet, dlya chego.
No nam skazat' zabyl.
FUNEBRIAL REFLECTION
Among the anthropophagi
People's friends are people's sarcophagi.
NA KONCHINU LYUDOEDA
Net sarkofagov dlya lyudoedov.
Ih sarkofagi - chrevo soseda.
THE CHERUB
I like to watch the clouds roll by,
And think of cherubs in the sky;
But when I think of cherubim,
I don't know if they're her or him.
HERUVIM
Kogda, kak oblachko, nevinny
Plyvut po nebu heruvimy,
Mysl' v golove moej odna:
Kto eto? - On ili Ona?!
SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
O PRIDOROZHNOJ REKLAME
Pozhaluj, ya voveki ne uvizhu
Prekrasnuyu, kak derevo, afishu.
I kak sravnit' odno s drugim? -
Obidno!
Iz-za afishi dereva ne vidno.
NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW I DON'T
Some people look to the future and others look days of
yore-wards,
But even they see more eye to eye than two people on a
train one of whom is riding backwards and the other
forwards.
I don't know how it does or when,
But anything interesting described by a forwards rider has
vanished by the time it should have swum into the
backwards rider's ken,
While, through a freak twist of the current
The backwards rider gets to see a lot of interesting things
that should have been there a moment ago for
the forwards rider to see but somehow they just
wurrent.
Travelers have told me and 1 have believed them,
That such noticeable objects as the Mississippi River and
the Sierra Nevada mountains have disappeared between
the time when the forwards rider pointed them
out and the backwards rider should have perceived them.
There are those who in an effort to explain this phenomenon
have developed a disturbing knack;
They sit forwards and look back,
While others to whom their vertebrae are dearer
Sit backwards and gaze on the fleeting landscape through
a mirror.
But no matter what they describe
Their accounts never jibe.
When I eventually establish my Universal Travel Service
and Guide Ways
I shall advise all my clients who really want to see anything
just to sit at home and look sideways.
TEPERX VY VIDITE, CHTO YA TEPERX NE VIZHU?
Odni lyudi smotryat v budushchee, drugie - v proshloe, i, konechno
zhe,
u teh i u drugih - ogranichennyj vzglyad.
No dazhe oni, glyadya navstrechu drug drugu, vidyat bol'she chem dva
cheloveka na poezde, odin iz kotoryh puteshestvuet licom vpered,
a drugoj - licom nazad.
YA ne znayu, pochemu tak poluchaetsya?
No vse interesnoe, opisannoe pervym puteshestvennikom, k tomu
vremeni, kogda ego dolzhen uvidet' vtoroj, bessledno konchaetsya.
I naoborot -
Puteshestvuyushchij licom nazad vidit massu interesnogo,
sluchivshegosya
na mgnoven'e pozzhe togo, chto uvidal ego antipod.
Puteshestvenniki rasskazyvali mne dazhe (i svoim neveriem ya ne
smeyu
ih obidet'),
CHto takie zamechatel'nye pejzazhi kak Missisipi i S®erra-Nevada,
posle togo kak vpered smotryashchie videli ih sobstvennymi
glazami, bessledno ischezali k tomu vremeni, kogda sidyashchie
zadom
napered namerevalis' ih uvidet'.
Sredi nih vstrechalis' i takie, kotorye, zhelaya ubedit'sya, chto
polozhenie ih tela po otnosheniyu k dvizheniyu absolyutno ne pri
chem,
Sadilis' grud'yu vpered, no smotreli v protivopolozhnuyu storonu,
polozhiv podborodok sebe na plecho.
V to vremya kak drugie, ne reshayas' na podobnyj shag, ibo
sobstvennaya
sheya byla im neskol'ko dorozhe,
Sadilis' zadom napered i rassmatrivali v zerkalo proplyvayushchij
mimo landshaft, rasschityvaya uvidet' odno i to zhe.
No kak by oni ni delali i chto by ni uvidali,
Opisaniya pervyh i vtoryh nikogda ne sovpadali.
Kogda, nakonec, budet izdan moj "Universal'nyj putevoditel'
puteshestvennika", v neobhodimosti kotorogo ya ubedilsya davno,
Kazhdyj smozhet prochest' tam, chto esli on dejstvitel'no zhelaet
uvidet' chto-nibud' interesnoe, to samoe luchshee dlya nego -
ostavat'sya doma i smotret' v okno.
GET UP, FELLOWS, IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED
It's more than logical, it's biological,
To be lethargikal,
And contrariwise it's abecedarian, or childishly alphabetic,
That it's ridiculous to be energetic.
Welcome, lassitude!
Scram, vivacitude!
Up with the grasshopper and the sluggard!
Away with the ant and the bee and all individualists
whether puny or ruggard!
Before our ancestors were apes they were fish,
But they improved their condition and got to be human
beings and founded a lot of empires such as the ancient
Persian and Roman and the contemporary Brish,
But the ocean today with us would be brimming
If our ancestors hadn't had sense enough to stop all that
continuous swimming,
Whereas now we can ride up and down in elevators and go
to the movies, and fish are only something about
which some people say, ?Yum yum, right put of the
water and fried to a delicate golden, brown",
And the only reason the fish aren't eating the people in-
stead of the people eating the fish is that fish can't do
two things that have got people where they are, they
can't close their eyes and they can't sit down.
POSHEVELITESX, DRUZXYA, PORA V POSTELX
|to bol'she chem logichno, eto biologichno
Byt' letargichnym.
I naoborot eto ABVGDichno ili po-detski alfavitichno,
CHto nelepo byt' ne v meru energichnym.
Doloj vertlyavost' i kriklivost'!
Uzh luchshe vyalost' i sonlivost'.
Da, zdravstvuyut kuznechiki i prochie lentyai!
K chertyam vseh suetlivyh murav'ev i pchel, gde by oni ni
polzali,
kuda by ni letali.
Nashi predki byli rybami prezhde chem stali obez'yanami,
i kak glasyat predaniya,
Uluchshaya svoi usloviya, oni v konce koncov stali lyud'mi
i osnovali mnozhestvo imperij, takih kak drevnyaya Persiya,
i Rim, i sovremennaya Britaniya.
Okean byl by nami segodnya napolnen s krayami,
Esli by nashi predki ne dogadalis' vo vremya prekratit' eto
beskonechnoe nyryanie, v rezul'tate chego oni i stali nami.
I teper' my raz®ezzhaem vverh-vniz po eskalatoru i spim
v kinematografe, a ryba - vsego lish' nechto, o chem lyudi
poroj govoryat: "YAm-yam! Kakaya appetitnaya korochka! Luchshe
i ne prisnitsya".
A edinstvennaya prichina, pochemu ne ryby edyat nas, a my edim
ryb,
zaklyuchaetsya v tom, chto oni ne umeyut delat' dvuh veshchej,
harakternyh dlya lyudej, a imenno: ne mogut zakryvat' glaza i ne
sposobny sadit'sya.
WE DON'T NEED TO LEAVE YET, DO WE?
OR, YES WE DO
One kind of person when catching a train always wants to
allow an hour to cover the ten-block trip to the terminus,
And the other kind looks at them as if they were verminous,
And the second kind says that five minutes is plenty and
will even leave one minute over for buying the tickets,
And the first kind looks at them as if they had cerebral
rickets.
One kind when theater-bound sups lightly at six and
hastens off to the play,
And indeed I know one such person who is so such that it
frequently arrives in time for the last act of the matinee,
And the other kind sits down at eight to a meal that is
positively sumptuous,
Observing cynically that an eight-thirty curtain never rises
till eight-forty, an observation which is less cynical
than bumptious.
And what the first kind, sitting uncomfortably in the waiting
room while the train is made up in the yards, can
never understand, Is the injustice of the second kind's
reaching their scat
just as the train moves out, just as they had planned,
And what the second kind cannot understand as they
stumble over the first kind's feel just as the footlights
flash on at last Is that the first kind doesn't feel the least
bit foolish at
having entered the theater before the cast.
Oh, the first kind always wants to start now and the second
kind always wants to tarry,
Which wouldn't make any difference, except that each
other is what they always marry.
NAM ESHCHE RANO, NE PRAVDA LI?
ILI SKOREJ, MY UZHE OPOZDALI!
Odni lyudi otpravlyayutsya na vokzal za chas do othoda poezda,
hotya im projti vsego nichego.
Drugie smotryat na nih pri etom kak na otvratitel'noe sushchestvo
I utverzhdayut, chto im vpolne dostatochno pyati minut, i vyhodyat
minutoj pozzhe, ne somnevayas', chto eshche uspeyut kupit' bilet.
A pervye smotryat na nih pri etom tak, kak budto u nih
mozgovoj
rahit, a vse ih rassuzhdeniya - naivnyj bred.
Odni lyudi, esli u nih est' bilety na vechernij spektakl',
naskoro perekusyvayut v shest' i vyskakivayut iz doma
bez promedleniya.
A odin moj znakomyj obychno yavlyalsya na vechernij koncert
k poslednemu aktu dnevnogo predstavleniya.
Drugie v vosem' chasov tol'ko pristupayut k uzhinu,
na kotoryj bylo by ne stydno priglasit' vel'mozhu,
I cinichno schitayut, chto zanaves spektaklya, nachinayushchegosya v
vosem'
tridcat', ran'she vos'mi soroka podnyat'sya ne mozhet.
Edinstvennoe, chto pervye, sidyashchie v zale ozhidaniya, kak na
igolkah, ponyat' ne v sostoyanii,-
|to nespravedlivost' sud'by, pozvolyayushchej vsegda opazdyvayushchim
vtorym popadat' na svoe mesto dazhe posle signala otpravleniya,
to est' kak oni i rasschityvali zaranee.
V svoyu ochered' vtorye, natykayas' na nogi pervyh, v tot mig,
kogda ogni rampy, nakonec, zagorayutsya, nikak ne mogut
postignut'
logiki pervyh, kotorye
Postoyanno stavyat sebya v naiglupejshee polozhenie, poyavlyayas' v
teatre eshche do raspredeleniya rolej mezhdu akterami.
Itak, pervye vsegda speshat, vtorye nikogda ne toropyatsya, vse
eto tak.
No po ironii sud'by imenno oni vstupayut drug s drugom v
brak.
THE TURTLE
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
DOM CHEREPAHI
V nem est' i potolok i pol.
I tak legko skryvat' svoj pol!
Ne iz-za skrytnogo li vida
Tak cherepaha plodovita?
THE STRANGE CASE OF MR. ORMANTUDE'S BRIDE
Once there was a bridegroom named Mr. Ormantude
whose intentions were hard to disparage,
Because he intended to make his a happy marriage,
And he succeeded for going on fifty years,
During which he was in marital bliss up to his ears.
His wife's days and nights were enjoyable
Because he catered to every foible;
He went around humming hymns
And anticipating her whims.
Many a fine bit of repartee died on his lips
Lest it throw her anecdotes into eclipse;
He was always silent when his cause was meritorious,
And he never engaged in argument unless sure he was so
obviously wrong that she couldn't help emerging victorious,
And always when in her vicinity
He was careful to make allowances for her femininity;
Were she snappish, he was sweetish,
And of understanding her he made a fetish.
Everybody said his chances of celebrating his golden wedding
looked good,
But on his golden wedding eve he was competently poisoned
by his wife who could no longer stand being perpetually
understood.
MISTER ORMANTXYUD I EGO NEVESTA
Odnazhdy zhil na svete nekij Ormant'yud, o namereniyah kotorogo
luchshe ne govorit' by,
Ibo ego edinstvennym namereniem byla schastlivaya zhenit'ba.
V chem on i preuspel i byl pochti polveka schastliv po ushi
S edinstvennoj, kotoruyu lyubil, sebya ne pomnivshi.
Vse brachnye dni i nochi ego byli sploshnym blazhenstvom,
Potomu chto vse chuvstva ego sledili za kazhdym ee zhestom.
On na letu lovil lyuboj ee kapriz,
Kak samyj dragocennyj priz.
A na gubah u nego, tak i ne vyporhnuv v svet, umirali ostroty,
Kotorye ne mogli ne rodit'sya v otvet na ee anekdoty.
Esli pravda byla na ego storone, on ne vstupal s suprugoyu
v spor nikogda,
A sporil tol'ko uverennyj vpolne, chto on nastol'ko ne prav,
chto dazhe ej posramit' ego ne stoilo nikakogo truda.
I kakaya by ni byla na lice ee mina,
Ryadom s nej on vsegda pomnil o tom, chto ona - femina.
I prevrashchal v fetish svoe vnimanie k lyubomu vyletayushchemu iz
e£ gorla zvuku:
Kogda ona layala, on myaukal.
Kazhdyj, kto znal o ego postoyanstve, prorochil im zolotuyu
svad'bu,
no nakanune vecherom, ne pomnya o tom,
Ego obozhaemaya otravila ego, ne v silah bol'she vynesti
uzhasnogo sostoyaniya byt' vechno neponyatnoj.
THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS
The people upstairs all practice ballet.
Their living room is a bowling alley.
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours.
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their orgy at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs wondrous
If instead of above us, they just lived under us.
SOSEDI SVERHU
Sosedi, chto sverhu, konechno tancory.
V gostinoj u nih beskonechnye spory.
Tam v kegli igrayut s utra i do nochi.
Ih gosti - kriklivej, ih radio - gromche.
V ih vannoj est' dyrochki navernyaka,
I kapaet dozhdik u vas s potolka.
Konechno, oni ne skuchny, kak inye.
No vsyu-to nedelyu u nih vyhodnye.
I slishkom uzh chasto konchaetsya eto
Katan'em po polu vsyu noch' do rassveta.
No, pravo, ya byl by im iskrenne rad,
Kogda by ya zhil ne pod nimi, a - nad.
YA VAS UZNAL, SNIMAJTE BAKENBARDY!
Dvadcatyj vek. Kakoj razmah! Edinstvennoe, v chem pora obvinit'
ego,
Mozhno vyrazit' v dvuh slovah: Slishkom stremitel'nyj!
Lichno ya predpochel by chto-nibud' medlitel'no-tyaguchee,
zevatel'no-tomnoe,
I tem luchshe, chem bolee monotonnoe.
O, Novyj God! Vse lyudi nakanune prevrashchayutsya v poetov i
vidyat
kazhdyj priblizhayushchijsya god skvoz' volshebnye okonnye uzory.
I hotya v golove u nih pri etom kasha ih hlopot, zato nadezhd
u nih v serdcah bol'she, chem v ovsyanke ovsyanyh zeren.
Da, oni schitayut, chto Staryj god byl nastol'ko ploh, chto Novyj
god
ne mozhet ne byt' luchshe, i nuzhno skazat', chto oni ne godyatsya
v proroki,
Ibo, kak pokazyvaet itog, Novyj God vsegda idet po stopam
staryh let
povtoryaya i sobiraya v sebe ih tipichnye poroki.
I ya znayu prichinu takogo povedeniya Novogo Goda, ya oshchushchayu ee
tak zhe yasno, kak zvuk struny, na kotoryj nanizal svoyu simfoniyu
YAn Sibelius.
A delo v tom, chto Novyj God, dazhe pokrytyj novogodnim ineem,
sovsem ne Novyj god, a odin iz staryh, no pod vymyshlennym
imenem
i eto ya namotal sebe na us.
I potomu sredi lyudej ya vne konkurencii i podnimayu ran'she vseh
svoj Novogodnij tost
Za to, chtob etot Novyj God byl nastoyashchim Novym Godom, a ne
tem,
so sbritoj borodoj pod vidom mladenca i s novogodnej nadpis'yu
cherez plecho na polotence - toch'-v-toch', kak s oblozhki
?Saterdej Ivning Post."
Vryad li najdetsya kartina menee ubeditel'naya i bolee neugodnaya,
CHem kakoj-nibud' Staryj God v odeyanii Novogo Goda.
Lichno ya uzhe vyros iz naivnogo vozrasta rebenka i gotov
postoyat'
kak za chestnost', tak i za novogodnee obzhorstvo.
I ya ne zhelayu bol'she chestvovat' poderzhannoe 1-e yanvarya takzhe
kak
za novogodnim uzhinom zhevat' myaso kozlenka, kotoroe okazyvaetsya
kak u kozla, zhestkim.
Privetstvuyu tebya, moj Novyj God! Vozmozhno narisovannye mnoj
kartinki ustupayut kartinam Rembranta ili |l' Greko, no, pravo,
eto ne pomeha,
Esli eto nastoyashchij Novyj God, pozhelat' Novogodnego Schast'ya
vsem, vsem, vsem! Bystree chem malen'kij Ser |ho.
SWEET DREAMS
I wonder as into bed I creep
What it feels like to fall asleep.
I've told myself stories, I've counted sheep,
But I'm always asleep when I fall asleep.
Tonight my eyes I will open keep,
And I'll stay awake till I fall asleep,
Then I'll know what it feels like to fall asleep,
Asleep,
Asleeep,
Asleeeep...
SLADKIE SNY
YA dumayu, v spal'nyu napraviv svoj put',
CHto skoro usnu. No chto znachit usnut'?
YA dolgo schitayu, gotovyas' ko snu.
I vse zh zasypayu, lish' tol'ko zasnu.
YA glaz ne smykayu, chtob vdrug ne prospat'
Tot mig, kogda v son pogruzhayus' opyat'.
Hochu oshchutit' eto chuvstvo spolna.
Ne stanu segodnya do samogo sna
Spat',
Spat',
Spat'...
THE TERMITE
Some primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good,
And that is why your
Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.
TERMIT
Termit v nash dom voshel snachala,
A posle on vo vkus voshel.
Vot pochemu kuzina Alla
Segodnya prolomila pol.
I'M SURE SHE SAID SIX-THIRTY
One of the hardest explanations to be found
Is an explanation for just standing around.
Anyone just standing around looks pretty sinister,
Even a minister;
Consider then the plight of the criminal,
Who lacks even the protective coloration of a hyminal,
And as just standing around is any good criminal's practically
daily stint,
I wish to proffer a hint.
Arc you, sir, a masher who blushes as he loiters,
Do you stammer to passers-by that you are merely expecting
a street-car, or a dispatch from Reuter's?
Or perhaps you are a safeblower engaged in casing a joint;
Can you look the patrolman in the eye or do you forget
all the savoir-faire you ever loint?
Suppose you are a shoplifter awaiting an opportunity to
lift a shop,
Or simply a novice with a length of lead pipe killing time
in a dark alley pending the arrival of a wealthy fop,
Well, should any official ask you why you are just standing
around,
Do you wish you could simply sink into the ground?
My dear sir, do not be embarrassed, do not reach for your
gun or your knife, Remember the password, which, uttered in a
tone of quiet
despair, is the explanation of anyone's standing
around anywhere at any hour for any length of time:
?I'm waiting for my wife".
ONA OBESHCHALA BYTX V 6.30
Est' takie situacii, kotorye byvaet trudno ob®yasnit'.
Naprimer, kogda vy vynuzhdeny ostavat'sya na odnom i tom zhe
meste
i ne uhodit'.
Kazhdyj, stoyashchij na meste bez dela, smahivaet na recidivista,
Bud' to dazhe ministr.
Nu, a predstav'te sebe tol'ko vchera osvobozhdennogo gangstera,
Kotoryj ne imeet ni prilichnogo kostyuma, ni podhodyashchego
galstuka,
I okolachivaetsya gde-nibud' na uglu do posineniya, poka emu
ne podvernetsya del'ce, kotorym stoit zanyat'sya.
I ya predlagayu odno ischerpyvayushchee ob®yasnenie dlya vseh podobnyh
situacij. Skazhite, Ser, esli vy sovremennyj Don ZHuan,
pristayushchij k damam,
to pochemu, stoya na uglu, vy tak krasneete pri etom?
I zachem, zaikayas', pytaetes' ob®yasnit', chto lovite taksi ili
chto
vam s minuty na minutu dolzhny dostavit' telegrammu iz
Agentstva
Rejter?
Ili esli vy prestupnik, steregushchij vhod v priton, to pochemu,
pri poyavlenii polismena,
Vy ne smeete vzglyanut' emu v glaza nahal'no i smelo?
Nu, a polozhim, vy specialist-tovaroved i vybiraete udobnyj
moment, chtoby obchistit' magazin,
Ili nachinayushchij lyubitel', zazhavshij v ruke tyazhelyj predmet,
v ozhidanii interesnoj vstrechi s zapozdalym prohozhim odin na
odin.
I kogda blyustitel' poryadka zagonyaet vas v tupik voprosom:
"A chto vy zdes' delaete?!", a ego pristal'nyj vzglyad sledit
za tem, chtoby vy ne uskol'znuli v kakuyu-nibud' lazejku,
Pochemu vam tak hochetsya v etot mig provalit'sya skvoz' zemlyu?
Milejshij! Ne nado smushchat'sya, ne stoit tyanut'sya za pistoletom
ili nozhom, stoit tol'ko vspomnit' odnu magicheskuyu frazu,
Kotoraya, kogda by i gde by vy ni stoyali, posluzhit vam i
pasportom
i ob®yasneniem srazu.
Vot ona, eta fraza, ta chto pomozhet vam eshche ne odnazhdy:
"Vy ponimaete, ya zhdu zhenu!" - I bud'te uvereny - vas pojmet
kazhdyj.
THE SNIFFLE
In spite of her sniffle, Isabel's chiffle.
Some girls with a sniffle
Would be weepy and tiffle;
They would look awful,
Like a rained-on waffle,
But Isabel's chiffle
In spite of her sniffle.
Her nose is more red
With a cold in her head,
But then, to be sure,
Her eyes are bluer.
Some girls with a snuffle,
Their tempers are uffle,
But when Isabel's snivelly
She's snivelly civilly.
And when she is snuffly
She's perfectly luffly.
NASMORK
Nesmotrya na svoj nasmork,
Izabella - prekrasna!
Drugim etot nasmork
nos delaet krasnym.
Ih vzglyad - polusonnyj.
I "chih-li" i "kah-li",
i lica ih, slovno
mochenye vafli.
A Izabella
lish' porozovela
I nasmork ne v schet ej.
I chem on sil'nee,
tem rozovej shchechki,
tem glazki sinee.
Drugim eto slozhno.
Im s nosom soplivym
pochti nevozmozhno
ostat'sya schastlivym.
A Izabelle
nichto ne opasno.
Ona i bez nasmorka
tak zhe prekrasna.
The song about the happy-go-lucky fellow who hasn't time
to be a millionaire strikes me as pretty funny,
Because I am pretty happy-go-lucky myself but it isn't lack
of time that keeps me from being a millionaire, it's lack of
money,
But if anybody has a million that they're through with it
Well, I know what I'd like to do with it.
My first acquisition would not be a lot of Old Masters or
first editions or palatial palaces,
No, it would be to supply each of my pairs of pants with its
own set of gallowses.
I can also think of another extravagance with which to
startle all beholders
Which is an attendant with no other duties than to apply
antisunburn lotion to that vulnerable spot you can't
get at yourself either by reaching over or under your
shoulders.
My next goal is one to reach which I should probably have
to sink into debt,
But it would be worth it because it is the development
of a short, hot, harsh, quick-burning, full-of-nicotine
cigarette.
A million dollars could also be well spent in hiring some-
body to invent some better rhymes for wife than rife
and knife and strife,
But I think what I would really do if I had a million would
be to buy a million dollars' worth of books written
by me and then besides having a lot of good books
I could sit back and live on the royalties for the rest of my
life.
PROZHIGATELX DENEG
Mne chertovski nravitsya pesenka o tom udachlivom parne, kotoryj
esli by u nego bylo dostatochno vremeni, zarabatyval by
stol'ko deneg, chto emu bylo by nekuda det' ih,
Potomu chto sam ya ne menee udachliv, tol'ko mne meshaet stat'
millionerom ne nedostatok vremeni, a nedostatok deneg.
O, esli by ya byl millionerom!
YA by znal, kuda istratit' million, i ne postoyal by za
primerom.
Itak, moe pervoe priobretenie! ? Oglyadyvayus' vokrug.
K chertu kartiny staryh masterov i palasy dlya pallaco tuda zhe.
Pervo-napervo ya snabdil by kazhduyu svoyu paru bryuk svoim
sobstvennym komplektom podtyazhek.
Drugaya prichuda millionera, nadeyus', vyvela by vseh zevak
na poberezh'e iz sostoyaniya pokoya, podnimaya sledom za soboyu
volny osvezhayushchego smeha.
|to sluga, edinstvennaya obyazannost' kotorogo ? hodit' za toboyu
i smazyvat' vazelinom to mesto na spine, kotoroe nevozmozhno
samomu dostat' rukoyu ni snizu, ni sverhu.
Moya sleduyushchaya cel' takova, chto dlya ee osushchestvleniya, vozmozhno,
pridetsya ne tol'ko vlezt' v dolgi, no i otpravit'sya -
na tot svet.
Ibo eta cel' ? izobretenie korotkih, obzhigayushchih, rezkih,
bystro
sgorayushchih, supernikotinovyh, po nastoyashchemu muzhskih sigaret.
I konechno zhe, celyj million ya otvalil by tomu, kto vzyalsya by
izobresti rifmu k slovu ?zhena? menee zataskannuyu, chem
?ona?, ?odna?, ?satana?, i klyanus', ob etom millione ya
ne pozhalel by dazhe.
No chto ya sdelal by dejstvitel'no, imeya million, tak eto
priobrel by
na million dollarov sobstvennyh proizvedenij i, takim obrazom,
vladel by ne tol'ko ogromnym kolichestvom prevoshodnyh knig,
no i mog by, nichego ne delaya, prozhit' ostatok dnej na gonorar
ot
ih prodazhi.
GLOSSINA MORSITANS, OR, THE TSETSE
A Glossina morsitans
bit rich Aunt Betsy.
Tsk tsk, tsetse.
BOGATAYA TETYA
I MUHA CE-CE
Tss! Tss!
Ce-ce
U teti na lice.
THE KITTEN
The trouble with a kitten is
THAT
Eventually it becomes a
CAT.
KOTENOK
S kotenkom vsya problema v tom,
CHto on stanovitsya
KOTOM.
The trouble with a kitten is
THAT
Eventually it becomes a
CAT.
BEGLEC
YA syadu na palku il' dazhe na dosku.
Verhom poskachu ot tebya k perekrestku.
Zaedu v kafe - ya golodnym ne budu!
Ne huzhe domashnih dezhurnye blyuda.
Tam sous gusinyj i klyukvennyj sous
Eshche so vchera prigotovlen na sovest'.
Uzh luchshe ya tam porabotayu lozhkoj,
Poka ty dozharish' indejku s kartoshkoj.
NEMNOGO SALATA, DOLXKU APELXSINA
I NA |TOM - SPASIBO
Nam vsem izvestno, chto hudet'
Ne kazhdomu pod silu.
O, skol'ko dram
I melodram
V probleme - byt' krasivym!
ZHena, chtob s kazhdym godom byt'
Molozhe i molozhe,
Iz goda v god
Morkov' gryzet.
A muzh, uvy, ne mozhet.
ZHena shnuruet plot' v korset.
Zatyanetsya potuzhe -
I vot ona,
Kak lan' strojna.
No chto podelat' muzhu?!
ZHene netrudno sbavit' ves.
ZHene poroj v zabavu
Zateyat' spor,
Upast' na pol.
A muzhu - ne po nravu.
My golodaem, my edim -
Byt' muzhem, oh, ne prosto!
Hudoj
Ostanetsya hudym,
A tolstyj budet tolstym.
SUPPOSE HE THREW IT IN YOUR FACE
Please don't anybody ask me to decide anything, I do not
know a nut from a meg,
Or which came first, the lady or the tiger, or which came
next, the chicken or the egg.
It takes a man of vision
To make a decision,
And my every memory
Is far too dilemmary.
I am, alas, to be reckoned
With the shortstop who can't decide whether to throw
to first or second,
Nor can Idecide whether to put, except after c,
E before i, or i before e.
But where this twilight mind really goes into eclipse
Is in the matter of tips.
I stand stricken before the triple doom,
Whether, and How Much, and Whom.
Tell me, which is more unpleasant,
The look from him who is superior to a tip and gets it,or
from him who isn't and doesn't?
I had rather be discovered playing with my toes in the
Boston Aquarium
Than decide wrongly about an honorarium.
Oh, to dwell forever amid Utopian scenery
Where hotels and restaurants and service stations are operated
by antippable unoffendable machinery.
DOPUSTIM, VAM BROSILI |TO V LICO
Pozhalujsta, ne zastavlyajte menya chto-libo reshat',
ya ne otlichu chudaka ot boltuna v lico,
I kto na pervom meste - ledi ili tigr, i chto posle chego -
kurica ili yajco.
A nuzhno byt' isklyuchitel'no pronicatel'nym,
CHtoby reshat' polozhitel'no ili otricatel'no.
Dlya menya zhe lyubaya problema -
Dilemma.
Uvy, ya ne mogu sravnivat' sebya s tem bejsbol'nym igrokom,
Kotoryj znaet, brosat' myach etomu ili tomu, potomu chto ne
uveren
ni v etom, ni v tom.
Tochno takzhe ne mogu ya reshit'sya, hotya dlya drugih eto
dvazhdy-dva,
Pisat' li v slove s bezudarnoj glasnoj E ili I, O ili A?
No dejstvitel'noe umopomrachenie nishodit na menya
i vsyakij raz, kak vpervye,
Kogda mne predstoit davat' chaevye.
I vsyakij raz trojnoj rok presleduet menya opyat':
STOIT LI? KOMU? i SKOLXKO DAVATX?
Skazhite mne, chej vzglyad na vashem nastroenii bol'she
skazyvaetsya,
Togo, kto vyshe chaevyh i beret ih, ne zamechaya, ili togo,
kto ih zamechaet, no prinyat' otkazyvaetsya?
Lichno ya predpochel by igrat' v salochki so svoimi pyatkami
v Bostonskom Akvariume pered tolpoj osuzhdayushchej moe povedenie,
CHem prinyat' nevernoe reshenie po chasti ch'ego-libo
voznagrazhdeniya.
Prihoditsya tol'ko mechtat' o takom Utopicheskom ugolke zemnogo
shara,
gde vse restorany, oteli i stancii obsluzhivaniya avtomobilej
oborudovany nepogreshimymi,
Ne prinimayushchimi nikakih chaevyh mashinami.
REFLEXIONS
ON ICE-BREAKING
Candy
is dandy
But liquor
is quicker.
VESENNIE RAZMYSHLENIYA
Konfety -
effektny!
No aperitivy -
operativnej.
LIKE A RAT IN A TRAP
After various guesses at last I've guessed
Why in spring I feel depressed.
When the robins begin to play
Summer is just a step away.
Then hardly the summer has commenced
When autumn is what you're up against,
And once the autumn has muscled in on you
Winter is waiting to begin on you.
So spring isn't spring, but otherwise,
Just a prelude to winter, which I despise.
VESNA
V prirode - vesna,
a v dushe moej - splin.
Est' v mire dlya etogo mnogo prichin.
Malinovka gde-to zapela v lesu.
Tak, znachit, i leto uzhe na nosu.
A vot uzh i leto.
I, znachit, opyat'
do oseni tol'ko rukoyu podat'.
I vot uzhe list'ya suhie shurshat.
Teper' do zimy
lish' kakoj-nibud' shag.
Vyhodit, vesna - eto ta zhe zima!
I eto svedet menya skoro
s uma.
YOU AND ME AND P.B. SHELLEY
What is life? Life is stepping down a step or sitting in a
chair,
And it isn't there.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed
the floor,
It is pulling doors marked PUSH and pushing doors marked
PULL and not noticing notices which say PLEASE USE
OTHER DOOR.
Life is an Easter Parade
In which you whisper, ?No darling if it's a boy we'll name
him after your father!" into the ear of an astonished
stranger because the lady you thought was walking
beside you has stopped to gaze into a window full of
radishes and hot malted lemonade.
It is when you diagnose a sore throat as an unprepared
geography lesson and send your child weeping to
school only to be returned an hour later covered with
spots that are indubitably genuine,
It is a concert with a trombone soloist filling in for Yehudi
Menuhin.
Were it not for frustration and humiliation
I suppose (he human race would get ideas above its station.
Somebody once described Shelley as a beautiful and ineffective
angel beating his luminous wings against the
void in vain,
Which is certainly describing with might and main,
But probably means that we are all brothers under our
pelts,
And Shelley went around pulling doors marked PUSH and
pushing doors marked PULL just like everybody else.
VY, YA I PERSI BISHI SHELLI
CHto takoe zhizn'? ZHizn' - eto kogda vy spuskaetes' vniz
po lestnice ili sidite v kresle, chitaya gazetu.
No eto i ne sovsem eto.
ZHizn' - eto kogda vam skazali, chto pol v zale tol'ko chto
natert voskom,
|to kogda vy tolkaete dver' s nadpis'yu "k sebe" i tyanete
dver' s nadpis'yu "ot sebya" i kogda, ot etogo vne sebya,
ne zamechaete ob®yavleniya o tom, chto dver' zakryta vovse.
ZHizn' - eto veselaya yarmarka,
Na kotoroj vy shepchete: "Dorogaya! Esli u nas budet mal'chik,
nazovem ego imenem tvoego papy" - na uho izumlennomu
prohozhemu, potomu chto vasha dama, kotoraya vy dumali idet ryadom,
ostanovilas' u vitriny gastronoma i vostorzhenno razglyadyvaet
appetitnoe (kak vo vremena
Adama) yabloko.
|to kogda vy nazyvaete follikulyarnuyu anginu neprigotovlennym
urokom geografii i posylaete svoego hnychushchego syna v shkolu
tol'ko zatem, chtoby chasom pozzhe on vernulsya obratno, pokrytyj
nesomnenno genial'nymi chernil'nymi pyatnami (a eto neminuemo).
|to koncert, na kotorom soliruet trombon v soprovozhdenii
Iegudi
Menuhina.
O, ZHizn'! Kogda by ne zabavnye vremya ot vremeni dorozhnye
proisshestviya,
CHelovechestvo nikogda ne zabyvalo by o konechnom punkte svoego
puteshestviya.
Odnazhdy kto-to sravnil SHelli s prekrasnym, no neudachlivym
angelom, bespolezno mashushchim svoimi oslepitel'nymi kryl'yami
v bezvozdushnom prostranstve.
I takoe sravnenie lichno mne ne kazhetsya strannym.
Ibo ono oznachaet, chto vse my - brat'ya po neschast'yu,
I SHelli tyanul dveri s nadpis'yu "ot sebya" i tolkal dveri
s nadpis'yu "k sebe", kak i lyuboj iz nas, tol'ko v silu
svoej genial'nosti neskol'ko bolee chasto.
YA NE PODOZREVAL, CHTO UZHE POZDNO
Muzhchina bez chasov! Bez teni somneniya vot kakoe sravnenie
ya schitayu naibolee blizkim -
|to soda bez viski.
A kakoe dvizhenie harakterno dlya lyubogo muzhchiny i poetomu
kazhdomu znakomo?
|to vybrasyvanie vpered levoj ruki bez vidimoj prichiny
i vzglyad na chasy, dazhe esli oni ostalis' doma.
S togo samogo mgnoven'ya, kogda muzhchiny poyavilis' na svete,
a mozhet byt' i ranee,
Oni sami pered soboj rasstavili i sami soboj zaputalis'
v beschislennye rasporyadki i raspisaniya.
Bud' to lyubovniki, igroki v gol'f ili zheleznodorozhnye
inzhenery,
Vremya vsegda yavlyalos' sushchestvennejshim faktorom ih kar'ery.
I poetomu mne kazhetsya eto po men'shej mere stranno,
Kogda muzhchina ne znaet, yavilsya on pozdno ili slishkom
rano.
I dazhe chasy na stolbe emu ne pomogut, ibo on ne mozhet
ni vzyat' ih s soboj, ni podladit' pod nih svoj marshrut.
I samoe bol'shee, chto oni mogut, eto sluzhit' dlya sravneniya
s chasami naruchnymi i pokazyvat' ot sluchaya k sluchayu,
chto po sravneniyu s chasami na ruke oni bezbozhno vrut.
Est' odna mysl', kotoraya vyskakivaet iz podsoznaniya muzhchiny
(ya sam zamechal eto za soboj ne raz).
I eta mysl' - kotoryj teper' chas?
A zhenshchiny ne lyubyat chasov, oni ih terpyat tol'ko togda, kogda
oni vpravleny v lyubimye imi kol'e, broshki ili braslety,
Ili v kakie-libo drugie dostojnye ih predmety.
Da, zhenshchiny ne nuzhdayutsya v chasah, i eto ochevidno,
Ibo na ciferblatah ih chasov bez mikroskopa vse ravno nichego
ne vidno.
Vremya est' nechto, k chemu oni otnosyatsya s poistine zhenskim
negodovaniem,
S chem oni postoyanno boryutsya, otricaya ego sushchestvovanie.
A vprochem, opredelyaya zhensko-muzhskie otnosheniya ko vremeni,
ochen' ne prosto razobrat'sya v chashche razlichnyh obstoyatel'stv
i prichin.
I lish' odno dopodlinno izvestno: chto gorazdo chashche muzhchiny
ozhidayut zhenshchin, chem zhenshchiny zhdut muzhchin.
ROBERT BERNS I BLOHA
Zachem poet, potrativ vecher,
Blohu v stihah uvekovechil?
Ona b ne sdelala togo zhe,
Probravshis' k genial'noj kozhe.
THE LOUSE
Robert Burns, that gifted souse,
Kindly immortalized the louse,
Who probably won't, when he is master.
Immortalize this poetaster.
NOSOROG
YA ne zhelayu s nim vodit'sya.
Na okorok on ne goditsya.
Ne pojdu k nemu, o, net!
On ne podhodit dlya kotlet.
ZOLOTOE SERDCE ILI SAMYE ISKRENNIE
IZVINENIYA HUZHE CHEM NICHEGO
Est' lyudi, ryadom s kotorymi dazhe artezianskij istochnik
ne idet ni v kakoe sravnenie,
Kogda oni rassypayut svoi sozhaleniya i izvineniya.
Oni schitayut, chto luchshij sposob druzej zaimet' -
|to snachala komu-to nasolit', a potom ego pozhalet'.
V gostyah oni vmig ozhivlyayutsya pri vide nakrytogo stola,
osobenno kogda na nem vdovol' spirtnogo.
I posle pervogo tosta nachinayut seriyu dvojnyh
i povtoryayut ih snova i snova.
Esli vam udaetsya ih prervat', oni obizhayutsya i vskore uhodyat,
no kak ni stranno,
Provodiv gostej i sobirayas' lech' spat', vy zamechaete ch'i-to
nogi, torchashchie iz-pod divana.
Utrom oni tak neistovo umolyayut vas o proshchenii,
nazyvayut sebya takimi unizitel'nymi slovami,
CHto vy gotovy im prostit' ne tol'ko proshloe, no i vse budushchie
pregresheniya, lish' by teper' oni perestali izdevat'sya nad vami.
I takie lyudi, opredelenno, vstrechayutsya v kazhdoj kompanii.
|to oni tolkayut vas pod ruku, kogda vy podnosite ko rtu lozhku
bul'ona, i etogo nel'zya ugadat' zaranee.
|to oni, kogda vy s zamiraniem serdca upivaetes' zvukami
bozhestvennoj sonaty,
Sigaretoj prozhigayut v skaterti dyru razmerom ne men'she
srednego tomata.
A zatem prinosyat massu izvinenij, izyskannyh nastol'ko,
CHto v antologii velikosvetskih vyrazhenij oni by vyglyadeli
vpolne dostojno.
Ne potomu li mnogie otzyvayutsya o nih ves'ma lestno i govoryat,
chto u nih - zolotye serdca. No uvy!
Imenno oni, kogda vy beseduete s ocharovatel'noj zhenshchinoj,
perebivayut vas na samom interesnom, ili, proezzhaya mimo
na avtomobile, obdayut vas gryaz'yu s nog do golovy.
I oni uvereny, tem ne menee, chto vy ne protiv togo, chtoby
segodnya vas podvergli pytkam,
Ibo zavtra, rassypaya svoi izvineniya, oni dostavyat vam takoe
udovletvorenie, chto vse vcherashnie obidy pokroyutsya s izbytkom.
CHto kasaetsya menya, to ya predpochel by uslyshat' neblagodarnoe
slovo ot gostya, kotoryj menya pal'cem ne tronul,
CHem poluchit' trogatel'noe pis'mo s izvineniyami za to, chto on
perelomal mne kosti, ot naslednika anglijskogo trona.
NE PODBROSITX LI VAS
DO DOMA,
MISSIS MERGATROJD?
Est' odno utverzhdenie, kotoroe v ustah kazhdogo, kto imeet k
nemu
kakoe-libo otnoshenie, zvuchit ubeditel'no:
Nikogda ne sleduet puskat' v svoyu mashinu passazhira s pravami
voditelya.
Ibo, esli vy postupaete tak, vash passazhir neizmenno stanovitsya
na opredelennuyu tochku zreniya,
Iz kotoroj sleduet, chto vy - man'yak, pomeshavshijsya na mysli
ugrobit' ego v avtomobil'noj katastrofe, dazhe esli pri etom
sami vy pogibnete vne vsyakogo somneniya.
On nepreryvno vzdragivaet, podprygivaet, dergaetsya, nazhimaya
nogoj
na voobrazhaemye tormoza i pominutno udaryaya loktem vam
pod rebra.
Slovom, vedet sebya tak, kak esli by utrom, otkryv glaza, on
obnaruzhil,
chto v ego posteli - kobra!
Ili zavodit kakoj-nibud' banal'nyj razgovor o pogode ili o
chem-libo
drugom v tom zhe rode, kotoryj dejstvuet na vas rasslablyayushche.
I vdrug, menyaya temu, delaet upor na ogromnom chisle
avtomobil'nyh
avarij, s kazhdym godom vse bolee i bolee vozrastayushchem.
Prichem on rasskazyvaet ne tol'ko ob avtomobilyah, kotorye
popali v katastrofu, no i ob avtomobilyah, kotorye chudom ee
izbezhali, i prepodnosit eto tak obstoyatel'no i dohodchivo, tak
nudno i protivno,
CHto vam sovershenno yasno: On schitaet vas odnovremenno i
fizicheski
i psihicheski defektivnym.
A kogda v konce koncov vy blagopoluchno dostavlyaete ego do
nuzhnogo
mesta, on drozhashchim golosom licemerno blagodarit vas za vse,
zhelaya tol'ko odnogo - poskoree vysadit'sya.
I pokidaet vas s takim licom, kak esli by on vyhodil ne iz
mashiny,
a spuskalsya s viselicy.
I eshche dolgo idet po trotuaru ves'ma neuverenno, kak by
somnevayas',
chto vse blagopoluchno oboshlos', na kazhdom shagu pominaya vas
vsyakimi nedobrymi slovami.
A vy trogaete s mesta, bormocha sebe pod nos massu
nelicepriyatnogo
otnositel'no etogo lica s voditel'skimi pravami.
I klyanetes', kak by ni slozhilas' vasha sud'ba, ni za chto
ne prisoedinyat'sya k chislu teh, kogo vy teper' klyanete.
No esli zavtra kto-nibud' ?podbrasyvaet? vas po puti domoj,
vy poteete tak, slovno s golovoj pogruzhaetes' v ledyanuyu vodu,
kogda na vashih glazah pereklyuchayut s pervoj skorosti na tret'yu
na povorote.
A vse delo v tom, mnogouvazhaemye sen'ory,
CHto vse my prirozhdennye shofery.
Inymi slovami, kazhdyj, kto sidit v avtomobile ryadom s
voditelem,
schitaet sebya masterom vozhdeniya, korolem,
Kotoryj umeet vodit' mashinu nesravnenno luchshe togo,
kto sidit za rulem.
SO THAT'S WHO I REMIND ME OF
When I consider men of golden talents,
I'm delighted, in my introverted way,
To discover, as I'm drawing up the balance,
How much we have in common, I and they.
Like Burns, I have a weakness for the bottle,
Like Shakespeare, little Latin and less Greek;
I bite my fingernails like Aristotle;
Like Thackeray, I have a snobbish streak.
I'm afflicted with the vanity of Byron,
I've inherited the spitefulness of Pope;
Like Petrarch, I'm a sucker for a siren,
Like Milton, I've a tendency to mope.
My spelling is suggestive of a Chaucer;
Like Johnson, well, I do not wish to die
(I also drink my coffee from the saucer);
And if Goldsmith was a parrot, so am I.
Like Villon, 1 have debits by the carload,
Like Swinburne, I'm afraid I need a nurse;
By my dicing is Christopher out-Marlowed,
And I dream as much as Coleridge, only worse.
In comparison with men of golden talents,
I am all a man of talent ought to be;
I resemble every genius in his vice, however heinous
Yet I write so much like me.
TE, KTO NAPOMINAET MNE MENYA
Kogda poroj velikih vspominayu,
YA voshishchen soboj v takie dni,
S velikimi sebya sopostavlyaya.
O, kak pohozhi my! - YA i oni.
Imeyu slabost' ya, kak Berne, k butyli.
Kak Aristotel' - znayu vkus nogtej.
Kak u SHekspira - znanie latyni.
Vysokomeren - slovno Tekkerej.
Kak Bajron, zhazhdu slavy nepremenno.
Zloraden, slovno Pop (no dlya dobra!).
Vzdyhayu, kak Petrarka, o sirenah.
Kak Mil'tona, menya gnetet handra.
Kogo ni vzyat' - pohozhie najdutsya
CHerty so vsemi. Pocherk moj toch'-v-toch'
Takoj zhe, kak u CHosera. Iz blyudca,
Kak Dzhonson, kofe pit' i ya ne proch'.
Kak Svinborn, ya ponyne s nyan'koj druzhen.
YA, kak Vijon - bespechnyj debitor.
Mechtayu, slovno Kolridzh, tol'ko huzhe.
Igrayu v kosti - Marlo, Hristofor.
Primetami vseh geniev napichkan,
YA polon samyh raduzhnyh nadezhd.
V odnom ya tol'ko chelovek obychnyj -
Svoi stihi pishu,
kak Ogden Nesh.
Last-modified: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 18:12:35 GMT