One man defecates at the Westminster Bridge. A cop comes to
him and says:
- Sir, you mustn't do that!
- Fuck you!!!
- Sir, but the law!...
- I fucked your law!!!
- Sir! But our Queen!...
- I fucked your queen!
- Indeed!???
- In bed!!!
- Oh, I'm sorry, Your Majesty...
Rannim utrom na beregu Temzy otzhimaetsya legko odetyj
dzhentl'men. K nemu podhodit policejskij i vezhlivo govorit:
"Prostite, ser, eto, vozmozhno, ne moe delo, no mne kazhetsya, chto
vasha dama uzhe ushla".
Sidyat na beregu Temzy dva rybaka. Odin - derg! - vytashchil
obnazhennuyu rusalku. Povertel-povertel ee v rukah, da i
vybrosil. Drugoj ego sprashivaet:
- But WHY?
- But HOW?
Za stolom sidit prilichnaya anglijskaya sem'ya: lord, ledi i
dve docheri. Den'gi u nih konchilis', sluzhanku soderzhat' ne na
chto, a ved' nado posle obeda myt' posudu. Reshili tak, chto kto
pervyj skazhet slovo, tot idet myt' posudu. Sidyat - molchat. V
eto vremya na svoej mashine priezzhaet zhenih mladshej docheri lorda.
Zashel v dom, pozdorovalsya, popytalsya zavyazat' besedu, no nikto
ne otvechaet.
Togda on vzyal, da i sdelal so svoej nevestoj to, chto
sobiralsya sdelat' v pervuyu noch' posle svad'by. Vse molchat.
Togda on sdelal so starshej docher'yu lorda, to, chto
sobiralsya sdelat' cherez mesyac posle svad'by. Vse molchat.
Togda on razoshelsya i sdelal s zhenoj lorda to, chto voobshche
ne sobiralsya s nej delat', i opyat' vse molchat.
On vyshel iz doma, podoshel k mashine i obnaruzhil, chto u nee
skripit dverca. On snova zashel v dom i sprosil: - Prostite, u
vas ne najdetsya vazelina?
- Nu net,- skazal staryj lord i poshel myt' posudu...
Zametka v provincial'noj anglijskoj gazete:
"Pozavchera ser Hartni s druz'yami ohotilsya na zajca.
On ostavil posle sebya zhenu, treh synovej i zajca."
- Dzhordzh! CHto za shum na ulice?
- Demonstraciya prostitutok, ser!
- A kakovy ih trebovaniya?
- Trebuyut povysheniya zarplaty, ser!
- Im chto malo platyat?!
- Dostatochno, ser!
- Tak pochemu zhe oni tak shumyat?!
- .lyadi, ser.
Vecher. Holl londonskogo doma. Odin Dzhentel'men sidit v
kresle-kachalke, kurit sigaru, p'et grog, parit nogi, chitaet
vechernie gazety, slushaet vechernie novosti. S ulicy zahodit
drugoj Dzhentel'men.
- Dobryj vecher, ser!
- Dobryj vecher, ser!
- Prekrasnaya pogoda, ser!
- Uzhasnaya pogoda, ser!
- Vasha zhena u sebya, ser?
- Da, ser, ona naverhu.
Utro sleduyushchego dnya. Tot zhe holl, tot zhe Dzhentel'men, te
zhe aksessuary, tol'ko gazety i novosti utrennie. Drugoj
Dzhentel'men spuskaetsya sverhu.
- Dobroe utro, ser!
- Dobroe utro, ser!
- Prekrasnaya pogoda, ser!
- Uzhasnaya pogoda, ser!
- Vy znaete, ser, Vasha zhena segodnya byla kak-budto ne v duhe.
- Da, ser, ona i pri zhizni ne otlichalas' temperamentom.
To be, or not to be, - that is the fate...
Too beer, or not too beer - question of the time...
Two bee, or not two bee - do'nt drink so much!
- Are you Finish?
- No, I`m British!
Dear Diary. New Hampshire
AUG 12 Moved to our new home in New Hampshire. It is so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait
to see them with snow on them. I love it here.
Oct 14 New Hampshire is the most beautiful place on earth. The
leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some
deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most
wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it
here.
NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow
soon. I love it here.
DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything
blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside
and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (Iwon), and when the snow plow came by
we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love New
Hampshire.
DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his
trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway
to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow
plow.
DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got
blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow
hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the
driveway. Asshole!
DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever
get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plow, I
swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use
more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.
DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for three days
except for shoveling out the driveway everytime that snow plow
goes through. Can't go anywhere because the car is stuck in a
huge pile of that white shit. The weatherman said to expect
another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow
10" is?
DEC 28 The weatherman was wrong. We got 34 more inches. At this
rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plow got stuck up
the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow
a shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already
shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my
last one over his head.
JAN 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to
get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the
car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. All those
deer should have been killed by the hunters last November!
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusting out from that salt they keep putting all over
the road!
MAY 10 Moved to Arizona. I can't imagine why anyone in his
right mind would want to live in that God-Forsaken state of New
Hampshire.
Last-modified: Mon, 01 Jun 1998 15:31:44 GMT